A letter from Susanne Vincent
Dear, dear Eric
My thanks and appreciation for your thoughtful, inspiring piece.
What to do in a society where so many women are so injured…broken…angry at sex? Your words about guilt, shame and fear evoke sadness. Blame is crippling, but as men do penance, flagellating themselves for the alleged crime of lust, women do not heal.
Susanne Vincent at home in New Zealand.
As a 68-year-old Taurean woman, my sense in regard to healing the wounds is that yes — the feminine power must be returned: it’s not just personal, but societal, spiritual, sexual, cultural and political. The feminine principle is also our planetary mother, her all-inclusive, all-accommodating, nature/Nature has been raped indeed, predated, exploited, ravaged…
The feminine isn’t a concept, and as you know it is not exclusive to a gender. In our human experience, her fundamental quality is in fact reflected in our openness, our ability to open fully and relish wholly, with primordial, pleasure-bathed yesness, the all-embracing nature of being, at its moist and glorious core.
The world isn’t currently rousing us to open. The culture of fear (particularly and very much 9/11 onward) is eating into our flesh, tensing our tendons, our buttocks, our shoulders, that tight little place at the small of the back that says NO — No, don’t harm me!
While in Pacific Island villages men and women sashay like Marilyn, our bodies are getting more rigid. Our kids don’t leap bareback onto ponies any more, race and tangle in the wild, roll around getting bruised to learn about their bodies any more. Who leaps, does acrobatics, relishes that wildborn strength? Whoever even gets DIRTY now in our antibacterial fortress lives?
When there is no access to the rippling, shimmering sensations of the body, when the mind can’t explore the body, adore the body, devour and caress and merge with space inside us and each other, then how can sexual intimacy happen? What happened to long, voluptuous bodies luxuriating against other long, warm bodies of skin-covered physicality?
Are we just going to specify some contract of planned mutual exchange, substitute a strictly controlled ingredients list and impose penalties, instead of simply devouring the whole cake? To create transactional sexual contracts through lawyers, like pre-nuptial agreements? Commodify sexual connection? Make a balance sheet out of this interchange, based on the principle of withhold and conditionality?
Feeling that the only way to be safe is to protect ourselves from unscheduled experience (!), our whole society has gone litigious. Violence per se has in fact only been seen as a specific crime during the past 200 years of our history in the West — you could be hanged for stealing a loaf, but bashing the owner on the head wasn’t seen as material.
Yet nowadays, touching anyone anywhere but on the arms is seen as molestation. This is an insane polarisation. (BTW — What is this meticulous armouring against each other in the West while there has never been so much unbridled carnage and brutality carried out with impunity by the State?)
There can be no sexual intimacy, no wild dance, in the presence of such a lot of fear. Somehow the prohibitions must soften; the sense of injury, of ‘transactional injustice’, of being harmed, used, invaded, or even being physically wounded, must dissolve. When we say, ‘you can touch this, but not that, you can go here, but not there…’, we’ve placed a limit on being willing to simply bathe in another being and allow them to bathe in us; for real connection, there has to be trust in each other, and — assuming we apply certain basics of risk management — to trust is a voluntary endeavour.
As the great guru Chogyam Trungpa said (somewhere): When are we going to open, really? Defining safety in terms of security guards, rather than in terms of our own resilient power, or in fundamental trust for life’s due process, it’s as though we’ve created an edict against opening, with opening unconditionally as the ultimate social faux-pas.
And of course, you can’t say it, Mr. Francis — as one of those beings with a dick, strictly governed by protocols of correctness, it’s not appropriate for you to say that actually women must heal by opening again…and again…and again.
That actually it’s about all women and all men working with our fear of openness, nakedness and authentic connection, working kindly with the monsters we’ve constructed to prove how hurt we’ve been; to give up on wanting our pain recognised and revered; to give up revenge, to drop the karmic debt — just drop it, flat on the ground, and leave it there. To do this, is probably the most important part of our spiritual path, and to do this, at this time, is almost certainly the most nourishing thing we could do for this planet right now.
Yes, let’s start with the body. Get the hell away from the keyboard and virtual world. If we stay in the virtual world too long, we will look around and find that the planet has left.
Stand on good earth with naked feet, feel and bask in the energy that we were born with, enjoy our body moving, swim naked whenever we can, and find that deep pelvic space, its massive reservoir of strength, its deep organic power. For women, understand that this is yours, no man gave it to you just because he goes in there, or because he desires you. This place is not a marketplace, it’s part of the ground of our being.
Let’s love men. When a man finds his feminine side, he can find yours. Bless the servants of the Goddess — adore their wrinkly balls and their unsanitized trainers! Don’t close down. If the only way we can all save this unholy mess is to revert to our authentic natures as individuals and as the full potential of our species, then the feminine must be repossessed, along with the oozing, pulsating reality of our teeming world.
And then, I think something magic can occur. Gentil parfait knights have always served the grail. When there is no powerful feminine, the warriors have no Madonna, no Kwan Yin, no primordial principles to serve. When she is present, maybe the raw, Klingon ‘blindly bomb them to bits’ aggression can flip into Protector Principle mode, draw the sword of justice, defend the weak and bring the proactive, decisive vision that we so urgently and direly need here right now.
This masculine force that creates the content (which of course women have in very good measure themselves) must always refer for its map and inspiration to the container, the ‘vessel’, the context, the relevance, the profound truths of connection and inter-being that frame and constitute the actual space in which we live. This is wisdom — the feminine principle. This ground of earth, society, ocean and microbiome, is the nourishing, life-enabling container of our existence — the womb of the feminine. Serving her, we serve everyone’s survival.
Politician, president, warrior, policeperson, adjudicator as Earth-Protectors; People-Protectors; Guardians of Sacred Space?
Oh yes indeed.
Let’s make it so!
With love,
Susanne Vincent
Planet Waves (ISSN 1933-9135) is published each Tuesday and Thursday evening in Kingston, New York, by Planet Waves, Inc. Core community membership: $197/year. Editor and Publisher: Eric Francis Coppolino. Web Developer: Anatoly Ryzhenko. Designer: Lizanne Webb. Finance: Victoria Pomante. Astrology Editor: Amanda Painter. Astrology Fact Checker: Len Wallick. Copy Editor and Fact Checker: Jessica Keet. Outreach Co-ordinator: Victoria Bodge. Client Services: Amy Elliott. Media Consultant: Andrew Marshall McLuhan. Research, Writing and Editing: In addition to those listed above, Planet Waves is produced by a team consisting of Fe Bongolan, Judith Gayle, Kelly Janes, Amanda Moreno and Carol van Strum.
Full Moon, Mercury Direct and Choosing Empathy
For Eric’s video presentation on this weekend, check the new Planet Waves TV.
Dear Friend and Reader:
You’ll be happy to know that Mercury finally stations direct in Taurus at 9:20 am EDT on Sunday. Before you breathe that sigh of relief and go buy the new car/grill/phone you’ve been eyeing, however, remember that the days around a Mercury station are often the most challenging part (they can also offer key pieces of missing information).
So that’s a reminder to take things slowly and consciously, especially anytime you get behind the wheel this weekend.
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Even Mother Nature knows that being grounded doesn’t mean not changing. Photo by Amanda Painter.
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Along with the usual advice to read the fine print (twice) and notice whether you have your keys with you, the part about alert driving at legal speeds is especially important this weekend. See, we also have a Full Moon brewing. Mars is involved in that aspect directly, adding a need to stay aware of impulses based in anger, impatience or ego/resentment.
Even if you don’t have the urge to cut someone off on the highway to ‘make a point’, you’ll want to watch for that kind of behavior in others, and temper your reaction to them. I suspect that since Mars is still retrograde, how you handle your reactions and your beliefs about what constitutes ‘justified’ behavior are important for your own safety.
About that Full Moon: the Sun enters Gemini Friday at 10:36 am EDT. The very next day, the Moon enters Sagittarius (where it conjoins Mars).
A few hours later, the Moon opposes the Sun to make a Full Moon. This is the Sagittarius Full Moon, exact at 5:14 pm EDT Saturday.
Now, the question is, given the confrontational nature of a Full Moon, and given the potentially scattered or glitch-y tendencies of Mercury stationing direct, how do you go beyond basic mental housekeeping and safety precautions to actually use this energy creatively?
Yes, there is tension in the chart. But the solution to tension is not paralysis. The solution to tension is making a decision when faced with a choice — and noticing what you use to guide that decision.
You might find yourself guided by empathy as part of your natural tendencies. For most people, however, empathy must be a conscious choice. Look around at all the horrible things that people are doing to each other, including ‘casual’ cruelty online, and you’ll get a better sense of just how often empathy is not chosen. When faced width someone who needs some understanding and assistance, what do you do?
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Photo by Amanda Painter.
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I suspect that for most of us, news reports about the inhumane treatment of Syrian refugees or yet another natural disaster are totally overwhelming. It can be hard to know what to do beyond making a donation.
One friend of mine, faced with a feeling of helplessness toward the Syrian situation, remembered Mister Rogers’ famous advice to “look for the helpers” in scary situations. She now blogs regularly on a widely read forum, featuring ‘the helpers’ who are doing what they can to assist the refugees, and points out ways that readers can get involved and know that their efforts, money or supplies will go to those who need it most.
That’s just one example. I’m sure you can think of others, some of which might be very direct and personal for you: the homeless person you see on the corner as you walk to work each day; the co-worker struggling with personal issues or an oversized workload; a friend who expresses that she is feeling cut off from friends lately and Facebook just is not cutting it.
Speaking of which: the very technology that lets us know about global suffering or a friend’s rough day also allows us to detach from it under the guise of ‘sharing awareness’ of an issue. Re-posting an article tells others about it, but what else can you do? Typing a heart emoticon lets someone know their pain has been seen, but it’s not a phone conversation or an actual, in-the-flesh hug.
Beyond the Sun moving into Gemini and the Moon into Sagittarius this weekend, we have a lot of planets in mutable signs right now (Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius and Pisces). That emphasis is going to continue for quite a while. In fact, Eric describes in his Planet Waves FM broadcast for this week how this Sagittarius Full Moon and the Gemini New Moon in two weeks are connected — and have an important message.
One of the key traits of the mutable signs is flexibility. That is, that ability to move from one state of being (or thought, or action) to another as necessary.
Have you ever thought about the difference between being grounded versus being resistant for its own sake? You could say that being grounded places you firmly in reality, whereas being resistant to change or to making a choice or to taking action actually detaches you from reality.
You are being asked to make a decision. Are you resisting? Can you make the choice of empathy, and can you bring it from the ‘virtual’ into actual reality?
Yours & truly,
Amanda Painter
You Do See the Elephant, Right?
By Amanda Painter
Only a few days left in the current Mercury retrograde (it stations direct on Sunday). That’s still enough time for the trickster to do its thing. Sometimes, however, we all need a little Coyote medicine to help us shift perspective — especially if that shift helps us to see our blind spots or hang-ups better.
If we get to experience that shift with a laugh and a dose of compassion, all the better.
Enter the band Axis of Awesome and their song “The Elephant in the Room.” (And yes, their name is a play on George Dubya’s famous “Axis of Evil” phrase.)
I don’t want to spoil the surprise. But I will say that this Australian ‘comedy rock’ trio tweaks common reactions people have to transgendered individuals in a truly fun, beautiful and hilariously indirect way.
This Week on Planet Waves FM
Twin Charts: Sagittarius Full Moon, Gemini New Moon
Dear Friend and Listener:
In this week’s edition of Planet Waves FM [play episode here], I welcome the Sun to Gemini (it arrives Friday, May 20), and read the charts for the forthcoming Sagittarius Full Moon and the Gemini New Moon. You can see those charts here.
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Eric Francis, host of Planet Waves FM.
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I give a visual version of this presentation in the current Planet Waves TV.
As part of that welcome, our music is provided by the quintessential Gemini himself, Bob Dylan, to celebrate the 50th anniversary of one of his masterpieces, Blonde on Blonde.
In the astrology portion at the top of the show, I describe the relationship between a slow-moving pattern in the background — Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune in a T-square pattern — and then overlay the Full Moon chart, which adds many other points.
All of these planets are in the mutable signs Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius and Pisces. The message is hang loose and give yourself permission to change your mind when you get new information, or have a new idea.
In the second segment, I read a reader letter from Susanne Vincent, who is responding to last week’s edition of Planet Waves.
In the third segment of the program, I read the chart for May 16, 1966 — the day that Blonde on Blonde and Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys came out, and the day that the “Cultural Revolution” in China began. This was not the friendly kind of culture party we had in the U.S. but rather the beginning of a holocaust of artists, intellectuals and dissidents.
In the last segment, I read the lyrics and talk about the title of Dylan’s “Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again.”
We are sponsored by your memberships to Planet Waves. Check them out here, including our how Horoscope Lover level.
With love,
Get Inside the Planet Waves Boutique, Get Inside Your Self
Ever find yourself wondering what your life would be like if you could just simply understand it?
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We try so hard to come to terms with ourselves, our relationships, our career and sometimes it’s all just too much to get a hold of.
Step inside the Planet Waves Boutique and allow Eric Francis to guide you through to a new level of understanding.
Eric’s wisdom, dedicated time, energy and love are all put into the classes and readings here in our boutique, specially made to help you find the guidance and support that you may be searching for.
It’s time to take charge of your own life and find peace within yourself. Visit the Planet Waves Boutique today and let your inner spirit soar.
Fed Up With it All? Try This.
Are you feeling frustrated with our current retrogrades? Do you need a new way to look at how your life is going this season?
Look no further: Eric’s 2016 Spring Reading will give you the scoop on how to work with retrograde Mars entering Scorpio next week, plus Uranus conjunct Eris (exact in two weeks). It will even help you get a grip on Mercury as it stations direct this weekend.
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Let a little sunshine into your life with the 2016 Spring Reading by Eric Francis. Photo by Amanda Painter.
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After all, we still have a couple weeks of ‘echo’ phase before Mercury works out all its kinks. And Eric has been making the most of retrogrades his whole career.
It’s not too late to make use of this set of clear, direct, jargon-free readings this season — whether you buy just one or two signs, or whether you go for all 12 signs. In fact, watching these before Mars gets to Scorpio next week could be incredibly helpful to you.
Yes, this astrology is working on everyone; but not in exactly the same way. You can get a taste of Eric’s approach in this preview video he recently released.
Maybe get your sign and that of your partner; or your Sun sign and rising sign; or your sign and your child’s sign. Whatever you choose, I trust you will hear something that lets off the pressure valve just a bit, helps you make some sense of it all and suggests a workable solution. We’re with you.
Yours & truly,
Amanda Painter
Your Monthly Horoscopes — and our Publishing Schedule Notes
For Eric’s video presentation on this weekend, check the new Planet Waves TV.
We published your extended monthly horoscope for May on Thursday, April 21. We published your extended monthly horoscope for April on Thursday, March 24. We published your Moonshine horoscope for the Taurus New Moon, by Len Wallick, on Thursday, May 5. Please note: we normally publish the extended monthly horoscope on the first Friday after the Sun has entered a new sign.
Aries (March 20-April 19) — Most of us have a so-called ‘element’. That is to say, an environment in which you are most comfortable and proficient. An actor’s element, for example, might be on the stage. To be out of your element is often referred to as being ‘a fish out of water’. It is possible, however, to discover a separate or alternative element that is just as suitable as the one you now think of as your own (if not more so). Such might very well be the case for you soon. Whether as result of your own personal evolution, or by sheer serendipity, you could come across something or someplace new that feels like home. Be alert for that sensation. If you do feel it, remember to take enough time to make sure that what you are feeling is real before deciding to move in. – by Len Wallick.
Taurus (April 19-May 20) — It’s amazing how most of us can get through a day without being hyper-vigilant about every detail. It’s also probably a very good thing. That way, you can be selective, choosing how and where to focus your attentions and energy based on what your priorities are in the moment. To the extent that you may comfortably do so, however, the next few weeks might be a good time to look more closely at what you have filtered out or passed by. Reliably for you, a good place to start is to quite literally stop and smell the flowers along your way — provided you can do so safely and without doing anything inappropriate (such as trespassing). Then, go on from flowers to other observations less often taken in. This is not about seeking distraction; quite the opposite. It’s about expanding your mind without losing any focus at all. – by Len Wallick.
Gemini (May 20-June 21) — That which is delayed is not necessarily deferred. There is a difference. You are better at discerning that difference than most people are, and it is precisely that native skill which will allow you to navigate through the period of time you are now entering. Trust your judgment about whether simply being patient will pay off, and endeavor to make forbearance look easy. Conversely, if you sense you are being put off by others, consider not letting such actions simply pass. There are ways to keep your issues and negotiations alive and moving towards results that give everybody a chance to win. Find those ways, and others will see how it is in their best interest to compromise with you — without any requirement that you compromise anything that’s important to, or about, you. – by Len Wallick.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) — Do not underrate how versatile you truly are. Inside you, there’s a vast array of personal resources you might appropriately call tools. The tricks you are now being faced with performing may very well come down to simply and (above all) consciously choosing the right tool for any given situation. In other words, you will want to be more careful than ever about reacting without thinking in any circumstance that gives you even a little time to think. You will also want to be very aware of all your habits, even the very best ones. That’s because you are entering a period of at least two weeks when you are likely to encounter exceptional situations in which your best interests would be served by making an exception to what you usually do. Eschew the necessity of defaults now, so as not to find yourself in fault later. – by Len Wallick.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 23) — You may have had good reason to go it alone in some ways during your life — especially for the last four or five years. Perhaps it was to protect yourself somehow. Maybe it was because you found that you could rely on yourself when others occasionally proved to be unreliable. It’s good to be able to protect yourself. It’s also good to be self-reliant. There is no avoiding the fact, however, that you are a human being. There is also no denying that our species has survived because of, and defined itself by, a capacity for cooperation and forming communities. Therefore, as you move forward from this auspicious point into the rest of your life, be open to joining with the auspices of individuals or groups with whom you could form a more perfect union. – by Len Wallick.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22) — There is a through-line. If anybody is connected to it (or even a living manifestation of it), it’s you. The through-line is not necessarily a straight line, but it does reliably pass through what seems to be impassable. It connects everything, even that which seems impossibly remote or even irrevocably severed. For most people, this through-line is expressed by the phrase “life goes on.” For you it is more than a phrase. That’s how you have always been so adaptable when others struggle with change. It’s the reason you have always been so quick to learn new things and even better at mastering them. Remember all this now, and you will see that outward appearances do not do justice to the truth: that your situation at this time is nothing less than a threshold to being you at your very best. – by Len Wallick.
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These beautiful notebooks are pleasant to hold, high quality and have excellent paper and binding. Eric checked out about 15 varieties before choosing these. They are also available in black. He says he’ll add a splash of paint if you like. You can get your journal, while stocks last, by signing up for a one-year Core Community Membership at this link.
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Libra (Sep. 22-Oct. 23) — For every little thing you figure out how to do better — even the seemingly insignificant — the result will improve the quality of your life. Therefore, pursue perfection, but not as an end in itself. After all, perfection is only an ideal. The purpose of ideals is to serve as a guide, not as a master. For that reason you should be careful not to become a slave to the unattainable. Making yourself and everything you do more and more excellent should be a process. You will know you are engaging with that process successfully if you get a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment from even the most mundane tasks. That sense will, in turn, bring you joy. By any measure, enjoying yourself more is an indication that the quality of your life has indeed improved. – by Len Wallick.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22) — Peggy Noonan wrote that, “Part of courage is simple consistency.” True, consistency can have its shadow side just like anything else; stubbornness for its own sake would be one form. Yet consistency has its place and benefits, too. There is reason to think that your practicing at least one or two forms of consistency could very well contribute to the best possible outcomes for you and everybody you are associated with at this time. Foremost among those consistencies to consider undertaking is being kind to all. That, by the way, would necessarily include being kind to yourself. Another way you might want to practice consistency — more optional but, paradoxically, also more optimal — is by presenting the same face to every person you encounter. For only in that way can you consistently be, and feel like, your very own self. – by Len Wallick.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22) — In spite of what an old Internet hoax may tell you, Mars will never appear to be as large as the Moon from your perspective of the sky here on Earth. For the remainder of this year, however, the things that Mars represents on Earth (among them: desire) could very well appear for you to be as large as some of the things symbolized by the Moon (among them: emotional needs). That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It may be useful for you to know the difference, however. Under some circumstances at least, pursuing a desire could entail a different strategy and require different tactics from seeking to get your needs met. Therefore, to have the best results in both attaining your desires and fulfilling your emotional needs, seek to know the difference — and yourself — better. – by Len Wallick.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20) — Anybody who thinks you need fixing is probably wrong. Anybody who tries to fix you is almost certainly not doing you a good turn. Your very best friends will distinguish themselves by accepting you and being happy with you as you are. Another attribute of good friends, however, is that they want you to be happy in, and with, your life. For that reason (and for the sake of your friends, as well as for yourself) make it your business to figure out, to the extent that you can, all that makes you happy and all that does not. Once so figured, do your level best to live in ways that support, rather than sabotage, your happiness. If you can do simply that, you will have become more than just your own best friend. You will also have given your friends the best gift possible: your good example. – by Len Wallick.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19) — Children who play well, either with others or by themselves, possess a great wisdom: that being human and alive on Earth includes places and times when it is appropriate to have fun. Regardless of what you are now dealing with or living through, indications from the sky above imply that you are being accorded the right time, and enough time and space, in which to have some fun of your own (or you will be soon). But first you must remember what you knew as a child. Play does not have to be anything in particular. It’s about what you feel. If what you are doing when you play feels fun enough to keep you doing it for its own sake; and if you lose track of time, concerns, or even the weight of responsibilities in the process; you will know that you have remembered very well indeed. – by Len Wallick.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — Itemizing how your current abode does (and does not) differ from whatever home or homes were provided for you as a child is an excellent way to begin getting clear about what, if any, changes you want to make in your personal surroundings. The same principle and protocol would almost certainly allow you to take an inventory of the intangibles that constitute your inner life. That way you can get a better idea of both who and what you now are (or are not), as well as what you might (or might not) want to become. Finally, and most importantly, remember that even if there are constraints regarding the extent to which you can change the physical world, the power you have to make changes on the inside are truly unlimited — even if you might need some guidance from the outside in making them. – by Len Wallick.
Many thanks to Susanne Vincent, as well as the usual suspects (Eric, Amanda, Amy, et al) for a stirring, entertaining and hopeful issue jam-packed with useful references and resources.
Eric I was so heartened by your full moon new moon video – those patterns were just so ‘O wow!’ and so full of potential.
(…Finally, and most importantly, remember that even if there are constraints regarding the extent to which you can change the physical world, the power you have to make changes on the inside are truly unlimited — even if you might need some guidance from the outside in making them.
I’ll toast that Len thank you!
Otherwise and on the same theme. Impossible to possible too. Footnotes to Susanne (hope this is not too forward):
Breast feeding (years rather than weeks) is seemingly crucial to development to avoid things before they begin. Touch/being held contact too with the mother/loved parent 24/7 for years (rather than weeks and then childcare). https://www.amazon.co.uk/Continuum-Concept-Arkana-Jean-Liedloff/dp/014019245X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463736220&sr=1-1&keywords=the+continuum+concept
Actually men are equal to women (not just women as goddess – this may be but men have an equal role whether woman is goddess or not)
Yes opening again and again but also woman/man as mind/body aswell as heart. Being pulled up is also effective depending on the circumstances. Whatever it takes to build consciousness and anything/whoever you are can be put to the good. (It is all good sounds an enormous thing to say?) (does Louise Hay’s Mirrorwork fit here I saw it referenced and have ordered it)
There is also the responsibility of each individual to be real no matter what. So your Mother/Father/this or that wasn’t perfect or wasn’t even there, so you missed this or that element or don’t like this or that. So what. find it, make it, live inspite of it. Lets step out of the note of ‘wrong’ completely. Just live! Keep looking for this or that or to change/evolve/add/integrate this or that.
Daring to try. Knowing your limits. Courage as you can. Keeping going
xxxp)
Pam: Please accept my thanks in return.
xxxp
‘There is also the responsibility of each individual to be real no matter what. ‘
(?Better put to say) As each individual can find a way to turn his or her circumstances into consciousness-building material the fixed pattern is liberated and flows again
Susanne’s letter is really beautiful and very much needed. It also set off a visceral reaction in me, which I first noticed on Tuesday when Eric read it on PWFM. There’s a trust issue somewhere, I think. My inner critic is currently excoriating my internal flesh on an hourly basis, so I might have to put off the requisite self-examination for the time being. Anyway – Susanne, thank you.
I have not had a chance to listen to the live reading yet, but I did read Susanne’s letter in an email Eric sent early in the week. Maybe because I read it quickly, it did not quite ring all the bells on first reading, and I had questions about a couple of parts of it that I needed to ask. But I wanted to encourage anyone reading it here on the website to give it at least a couple of reads.
The reason is that, I think, for me, I could hear my own questions mingling with the defenses I imagined others might encounter as they read the letter. If a person has suffered physical or sexual trauma (or even emotional trauma), I can see how some ideas that Susanne puts forth might hit some very tender and complex/triggering spots. Not everything she suggests will necessarily feel like a joyous invitation toward healing, depending on your personal history. It might just sound scary.
But I found that as I read it a second and third time, I felt myself *really* hearing her, feeling the truth of it, and loving where she is coming from more and more.
So, I would encourage anyone who is not sure what she is saying, or who is not sure how they feel about it, to give it another read. Try hearing it from a slightly different perspective. As your questions here. See and honor your pain and your shadow, and if you need to, talk to your therapist/healer about what this letter brings up for you, if what it brings up is difficult or confusing or intense or….
Susanne, thank you for thinking and feeling so deeply and *openly*, and for sharing it all with Planet Waves. I love this letter.
Our culture is so closed, and seems to be getting ever more so; despite trends like yoga and tantra, the general population is married to their phones and barely looks up, let alone OPENS up. We are more terrified than we know, and we’re not even sure what we’re scared of.
You’ve got a point there. I’m a survivor of long-term abuse, and the idea of facing the kind of soul-level betrayal i experienced is almost too painful to contemplate.
There is one philosophical point on which I’m snagged, and that is this: in order to break free of the conventions in which our culture is currently ensnared – that is, love by contract (i.e. marriage, happily ever after, etc.) and jealousy – it would seem that independence (particularly for those who might otherwise fill the traditional feminine position) and self-wholeness is key. Yet this would seem to contrast to some extent with the full-on exposure and sharing Susanne advocates here, which rather suggests interdependence and merging in the sense often talked of by romantics.
I suspect there is a very good answer to this dilemma, but I can’t tell what it is. Any thoughts?
hmmm — I think one key distinction is between interdependence and co-dependence (or, also, merging with another to the point of losing one’s own self/center). Amanda Moreno has talked some about those distinctions in some of her essays.
From what I can gather, interdependence is healthy human relating, and it asks for the people involved to be fairly self-actualized and independent and present within themselves for it to work well (and there still may be slips). Co-dependence we all know to be unhealthy relating — taking on another person’s “stuff,” projecting, etc.
As for the merging Susanne is speaking of: I cannot speak for her, so what I say might be off-base. But my impression as I read — or, at least, the way I viewed it to allow it to be accessible to me — it is that it might be the sort of thing that can happen when we’re whole and independent *because*, at that point, it’s a conscious choice on some level, and we have the tools and awareness to allow openness without losing self completely or in unhealthy ways.
That might sound counter to her statements about needing things not to all be contractual agreements, etc, like marriage, but I’m not sure it necessarily is.
Like I said, this is my point of view that allowed me to hear what she seems to be saying, and I might be wrong. But it sounds like a first step is opening to *oneself* and to the earth. What I can say about my own ongoing journey is that to open to myself and be present within myself, I have had to understand how I allowed others into my center in ways they did not belong there — which was harmful — and reclaim myself. In reclaiming myself, I’ve gone through a process of re-boundary-ing energetically within.
Now that I feel more “safe” within myself and more clearly present there, I can hear Susanne’s words and conceive of the openness from a new framework — one that is not about pushing myself aside to make room for another, but is rather more about staying where I am in myself and allowing a meeting place. That said, it’s an ongoing process. And we all have different paths to walk at different paces — “enlightenment” or “full openness” might not be where most of us end up, but our steps that we take toward our own healing are valuable beyond measure no matter how small they seem to be. It’s not a competition.
This discussion brings up the question of what Caroline Myss calls woundology — the sacred wound, around which all of life centers. This is about pain as an entitlement, which becomes an organizing principle.
When this becomes an excuse not to live, rather than to heal, that’s a problem. At this stage many are afraid to even being up the discussion of sexuality lest it offend someone who is injured. This is going on at conferences, it’s on the internet, it’s at lectures, it happens in therapy. Many therapists are afraid to discuss sexuality with their clients lest they be accused of abuse even for raising the subject. (Wilhelm Reich called this the “emotional plague”).
Since a trip to Crete and Egypt with Barbara Hand Clow in 1996, literally within days of returning, my previously empty appointment calendar filled up with clients who came to me to help heal various kinds of sexual injury. I have, since then, worked with many hundreds of people, along the way working through my own family legacy.
Healing is a practical matter. It is possible and once sought out, it’s inevitable. Healing is not about reverence for what went wrong and how much pain one is in; rather, healing is about the desire to feel better and to be free to make choices; free to be close to people. What I hear Susanne saying, at one crux point of her essay, is that injury has become an excuse to avoid life. It’s time to take the conversation to a new level, and I think that this essay does so with tectonic strength.
PS, people tend to think of their sexual injury as a strictly personal thing. What Alice Miller and others have pointed out is that we are really dealing with a collective issue. That is good news, because it’s a lot less lonely that way, and we are all pretty much in the same boat.
That’s pretty damn profound.
Yes, Carolyn Myss is brilliant on woundology – and helped me so much.
Amy, I suffered repeated sexual abuse (though I have a feeling you lived through far worse) , coupled with a deep betrayal of trust, in early adolescence. I didn’t realize how much I mistrusted men (and their penises) until I embarked on my first proper relationship when I turned 40. It was a tormented and difficult relationship, but it also opened up deep wounds to be healed, for the first time. In a way I called this relationship to me, because deep down (and I only realised this with hindsight) I was ready to embark on this journey. I discovered the wonders of masturbation after we split up. Another first. I think I understand why Eric advocates masturbation so strongly, because it’s a way of giving love and attention to ourselves and our bodies, and experimenting the wonders of our sexual beings in a safe place. I think that everything always starts with us, and from us, and that in learning to know and love ourselves, we can be with others in a different way.
This is such a powerful letter, Suzanne, and so great of you to publish it, Eric.
Thank you, all of you, for another wonderful edition.
Lizzy, thanks for sharing, and hugs if you want them. I think you are quite right. Loving ourselves may be the answer to my little dilemma; because then we can share energies and feelings with others in the healthiest way; not seeking healing through completion in another being, so much as offering mutual support, compassion and validation.
“O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive…”
Yes – that’s lovely Amy. Saint Francis’ prayer – fantastic choice, I love that prayer. Thanks for the hugs! (((()))))
Susanne your letter hit spot on and truly opened my eyes further in so many ways, as a 22 year old female still trying to make sense of what it means to be truly connected and engaged with someone. I strongly feel that my generation of people see relationships now as, an “i love you” text every morning and every night, instead of an intimate sexual experience (or even simply a discussion) every morning and every night, possibly while you’re taking your morning/evening stroll through the woods to the stream. Which is a serious problem — I have even encountered that. You get caught up in being on the go, your daily routine. You quickly can start to forget what it means to be a human being and what’s actually important, you have a soul, you have more feelings and thoughts in that imagination than what’s showing first in line. Every thing turns into.. a cookie cutter life style. Sex turns into a job, a need; rather than a want and a feel to enjoy and gather in one-ness with your lover.
Also, people are too caught up with what every one else is “doing”. Who’s getting married, having kids? That’s what my generation has succumbed to lately. Why are we not out with our lovers exploring the universe and making our own memories and relationships while getting lost in the mountains, and having to build a fire and sleep on the ground for a night? Oh, that’s right.. We’re sitting home pretending we have a truly open and connected relationship with one another, while one’s playing their video game and the other is engulfed in the latest Facebook drama.
Throughout my teenage years I struggled with friendships, intimate relationships and family relationships. I felt I was always honest and brought my all to each relationship I’ve ever had the opportunity to be involved in. I always tried to be adventurous, understand, connect and be open — to almost always being turned on, lied to and simply just not understood. All I ever wanted and still strive to reach in another human being is to feel one with that person. It just seemed like no one was truly interested..
I just thought these people don’t get it the way I do. No one wants to go on an actual date, no one wants to talk about real life sexual experiences, no one wants to even be in one because everyone is afraid. Afraid of what could happen, afraid of what they may have experienced in the past. The worst, most popular excuse I’ve heard is, “Well, this happened to someone I know, so no way am I even thinking about it.” The only way to learn and to connect is to talk about it and experiment!
Over time those experiences, those “stories” most certainly made me fear future relationships — with anyone. I shut down, backed off, closed my mind and body to everyone. Pretty much said “screw this, I give up. I am not going to be hurt again.” I quickly turned into one of the people that didn’t get it and never thought about it again.
We need to learn from everything and build on it rather than retract ourselves from real life. You as yourself, need to bring your openness, your connection, your love, your inner being and outer being to the table. Be you, do not hold back. Ride with the wind and let your spirit and body soar. Yes, fear can definitely make you feel like you’re going to drown in quick sand. However, it’s up to you to pull yourself out and ” just drop it, flat on the ground, and leave it there.”
Susanne, Thank You.
Reading your letter four times now, made me think, really think — and dig a little deeper into myself and pull out my thoughts, my past, the present. How things were, how things are, how things need to be. We all need to stop this cascade of fear being brought onto us from others, from things and “stories” and keep growing and not succumb to it’s deadly force. We take control and pass it to others. The more grounded, honest and open one can be, the more others will catch on and only wish to be so connected to life and another human being.
Again, Thank you.
This might be of interest to readers – just found it
http://restlessimaginations.blogspot.co.uk/2010/04/love-is-real-lesson-from-velveteen.html
Amy, thank you for re-opening the door to this classic treasure of the velveteen rabbit, which seems to resonate with so much written here. I am sorry to come in late in the day – thank you to all for this rich conversation, and I hope the length of this post is okay and that it is not too late: there is so much to respond to.
So much brilliant wisdom has been brought into play. To be honest, given the quality of this container and contributors, I suggest you all hire some amazing retreat space now it’s spring, and spend a potluck-share-the-rent-and-the-cooking weekend together pooling understanding. Maybe the cure for our society is just to sit together on the back porch at sunset.
Breastfeeding and touch indeed, Pam, thank you. From research: curiosity, contact, closeness, and also calm and courage are enabled by the hormone Oxytocin, known also to ease open the birth canal, and enable the bonding process, and just as important in men as women. Touch and the power of touch are so much more important than we recognise. Touching should be at the heart of public policy.
You also so rightly remind us of the God in all of this (as opposed to ‘just women as goddess’). Outside of formal religion, hymns to the divine feminine have now been sung in gatherings since the mid-80s but I’ve heard none for the divine masculine. If Donald is the dysfunctional male archetype that America aspires to follow and embody, then we are indeed in lumber. It is time for a discussion about the Plight of the Lost Divine Masculine in Postindustrial Society!
You also remind us that “it is woman/man as mind/body as well as heart”. That is worth pinning on a wall. If men and women aren’t both open, then who is meeting who, one wonders? Someone who’s absent from the space and projecting a trip of some kind on us? Or are we doing it to them? We will simply pass each other by like strangers in the night.
‘Whatever it takes to build consciousness’. Bravo, spiritual warrior! And I think consciousness is ready and waiting to be activated when the radios inside and outside stop distracting us.
Amanda, your input is amazing. You seem always to come from an absolute commitment to the search for self-authenticity in your journey. This field of fear is very strong and I feel that unless we really engage with this ‘monster’ now in our culture, we are really in danger.
It’s like fear has become embedded in our cells. In mind-body work, we can softly visit the tight holding-back, allow the mind to sense the texture of the cage itself and sit quietly and tenderly with it, and remember that tears are the waves that wash our little boat off the rocks . . .
To break the taboo of touch – now, how would that be? So many who are not cats or dogs in America must feel so starved of touch. This is physical ill-ness in real terms, and I think the cut-offness is pandemic.
If my virtual self communicates with your virtual self, it’s not real, just a holodeck, so I can flame at you as much as I like with impunity, because there is no real relationship . . .?
Meaningful relating is fundamental to our existence, yet sits on the wishlist. I think the velveteen horse says it all – for goodness sakes let’s bring back the assumption of ‘innocence’ in ourselves and each other and know that our basic wholesomeness works just fine. When everyone assumes that the other is not trustworthy, at this point, I think the world ends.
One great gift to break the plastic fence might simply be the exchange of a massage with a friend; if one is lucky enough to have at least one friend who doesn’t want to hurt or seduce us! Touching, stroking and kindly exploring the tense places in a body or even just a back, with some warmed hands, we don’t just give pleasure and restoration, it is a great way to explore the nature of touching, and get easy with it. Getting easy with the nature of body, confident to relate with it as natural terrain.
Amy and Amanda, yes, I think too that it is not about merging (ermm, did you see The Fly – aaaagh!)
I think this is an interesting space.
Right at the heart of it, we are just a bundle of awarenesses with powers, floating around wrapped in skin. And while I feel that where senses relate with each other, we often feel sameness – texture, flesh, being, energy – we are never going to merge. We are dancing with each other.
But also, I am sure every human has a fundamental, heart and soulful desire in them to merge into something they adore or desire, unite with it and maybe in some way dissolve into it. Read Rumi’s poems about his longing for the Divine Beloved, to surrender with and BE the heart of love itself.
Though this desire to merge is not separate from any act of love anywhere, anytime, it is so important to remember that no human lover confers this, and never will.
I think in all interactions, from buying milk to the deepest, most profoundest, real-est, closest, most naked and electric sexual encounter, we can do no more than be playful, communicative, creative entities willing to see what arises in the field between us, and then have the willingness to engage with that, in good faith, and fully own the responsibility for the emotional ground and energetic quality that we engage as.
And also to consider lateral impacts, like the possibility of hurting another, or the one we’re with, or where one of us has expectations that we know won’t be met, we need to be good citizens in our own and others’ worlds. This is not a feeding trough, or a place where one person makes the other a servant, but a place to delight in each other. And if one person’s sexual presence just doesn’t push the other’s buttons, that’s not personal.
The journey to where we actually can’t be hurt emotionally is not one of closing down in any way. There are situations so horrific that we wonder how people ever heal, but they do, and astonishingly they seem often to report that the road to healing was like being forced to claim an amazing and hugely enlarged sense of trusting in who they are. They might not wish such an experience on a dog, but wouldn’t have missed what it conferred.
But I think that for many situations, our hurt results from our broken illusions, not connecting our earth wire at the start, and building castles on sand. We all have agendas for people, we want to impose our set-ups on them, but it is so much more creative to just discover who they are and then relate with that. Thank goodness our society still (just) allows us to live truthfully and accountably and feel good just to be us, and for others to be them, doing this life in the endearing and witty way that we do.
Carolyn Myss – thank you Eric – also Louise Hay: both are mistresses of understanding that our inner and emotional space is our own living room that we ourselves need to keep tidy, aired, put flowers in it, cool it down when it’s overheated, warm it up when it feels too cold. We have the tools to do this, and if not, seasoned travellers and true explorers can offer helpful maps.
Pain is an energy that we dance with, I think, and perhaps the key is to try not to categorise it, to keep our approach to it clean (being patient with textures of righteous indignation, resentment, victimhood, entitlement or revenge that mingle with our grief!) Pain heals and we may not know what it meant for us until it’s through. And it does help to say, ‘there, there sweetheart, poor darling’ to ourselves if nobody else will.
Victoria, thank you so much for this window on your world, and that you are writing this at 22.
“We need to learn from everything and build on it rather than retract ourselves from real life. You as yourself, need to bring your openness, your connection, your love, your inner being and outer being to the table. Be you, do not hold back. Ride with the wind and let your spirit and body soar.”
Right now I think that to reclaim the fullness and power of being human, and encourage others to do the same, is about the most important work we can do.
Susanne Vincent
Thank you Susanne (I wondered if i had put my foot in my mouth)
Thank you, Susanne, for your additional thoughts here — and especially for your reference to “The Fly” in the context of the idea of “merging.”
Um, yeah — that is definitely not a path that attracts me at all. But openness? That is another thing entirely.
Spectacular thread — wise, profound, instructive, encouraging. And doing what a Light Island does so well. Thanks to all!
Was thinking the same thing (as Judith) … reading the letter and responses feels like layers peeling and revealing. Ancient, deep, intimate and opening …
Thank-you Susanne and everyone here.
Yes – spectacular! Your comment about getting dirty reminded me of an old friend from 1982, a 35 year old white woman with a half-black child. We went to a public outdoor event, where my kids were happily trouncing through mud barefoot. She wouldn’t allow her son to join in, even though we had a campsite where he could clean up later. She said it was because there were people who would think “dirty nigger” and some would even say it out loud. I started giving it a lot more thought later, especially when name brand shoes and jeans started to become popular about the same time – and more and more kids were committing crimes against each other to steal clothing and shoes! Prior to that, no-one would dream of wearing a shirt or trousers with the brand on the label OUTSIDE the clothing! In fact, in 1970, it was a black man with whom I worked, who told me that another co-worker was tacky because of a label showing. Ok – way to feel superior? Nah, I’d heard my mother say the same many times. It’s about protecting ourselves from critics of every stripe. God help the person who is victim of a loose tongue and gossip. My nephew told me shortly before he died of a drug overdose that he and his brother never fit in with the right crowd in school, because they didn’t have the right shoes. I have made it my mission in life to make sure his children are never belittled for their shoes, even knowing there are far more important things to worry about. Sorry for being all over the place, but this was a thought provoking article. Thank you so much for sharing this with us Eric!
Oh, and this morning the front page of yahoo has a story about how your breakfast tells what social class you fit in. No wonder we’re all so damn stiff, not to mention phony.
Susanne Vincent is a DIVA, in the sense I mean it, awakened and wise. Thank you for writing, thanks Eric for sharing this letter, and thanks to all who contributed to the comments which contain a vast healing energy.
This is something we all have to GET NOW: “as men do penance, flagellating themselves for the alleged crime of lust, women do not heal”
Encapsulating, protecting, honoring and magnifying the wound (whatever it is, but in every case sexuality is involved, I believe) will not heal. In the healing professions we warn against “retraumatizing” and continuing silence and avoidance is not helpful. Putting in place training and structures so that healing, opening and release becomes possible … I remember the feelings that it hurt just as much going out (release and heal) as it did going in with the original wounding. How scary it is. How much I wanted to avoid that. How much am I still avoiding what needs to be felt again, upon the release!?
What she says here rings true, except for when it isn’t…
“And of course, you can’t say it, Mr. Francis — as one of those beings with a dick, strictly governed by protocols of correctness, it’s not appropriate for you to say that actually women must heal by opening again…and again…and again. …. ”
A man who is on his path to healing can say it. He may not be heard. And so first a Woman must here this and experience it in a Circle of Women. Yes the Earth medicine and the opening of her pelvis to give it up to the earth, and to receive healing from the earth, surrounded by women, and realizing there are men there too, defenders and warriors …
Susanne gets it right. And this next statement, this is where I am. This is a part I have resisted, or have not known how to do for myself. Drop it. Flat on the ground and leave it there… Is it that easy? Mine for now is being held in a tree, literally, I placed it there ritually. And to drop it on the ground to nourish the earth. What a concept. The earth will eat my pain. My pain doesn’t have to eat me. Yet can it just be dropped, or does it need to happen in the safety of ritual and community. That is what modern society has killed and cries for restoration.
“… it’s about all women and all men working with our fear of openness, nakedness and authentic connection, working kindly with the monsters we’ve constructed to prove how hurt we’ve been; to give up on wanting our pain recognised and revered; to give up revenge, to drop the karmic debt — just drop it, flat on the ground, and leave it there. To do this, is probably the most important part of our spiritual path, and to do this, at this time, is almost certainly the most nourishing thing we could do for this planet right now.”
Through this post, this letter, this thread, and other personal messages I have received today, Vesta conjunct the Sun and opposite the Moon and Mars is speaking to me. Perhaps because my natal Vesta is in Gemini, heading for a return in the next month or so, what I am devoted to, and the tending of my sacred inner flame, is magnified and given a sense of urgency.
And one more, to return to the holiness of men, I believe Susanne is spot on with this: I think something magic can occur. “Gentil parfait knights have always served the grail. When there is no powerful feminine, the warriors have no Madonna…”
We are in this together. The feminine cannot and does not sit around waiting for him to get his act together. He is imprisoned by patriarchy until SHE wakes up. Earth, Feminine, Masculine, we rise together, and the earth depends on us getting it right, and Now.
Love to this community. Heart full and bursting!
What an incredible collection of heart-felt reflections to read on a Sunday afternoon. Lots to think about here, and a hearty “here, here!” to the idea of retreat space where we could all maybe someday discuss these issues in person. And maybe touch a little bit. With consent, of course.
Basically, we have come to the point where to be against sex is to have a spiritual badge. That is the theme of the new Miracle Hour
http://planetwaves.fm/miracle-hour-13-the-course-and-sexuality-part-2/
Do you think we should suggest it as a parody topic to JP Sears?
Susanne,
Thank you for your original letter and further, your second comment.
So many of your words stuck a chord with me. Especially when mentioning how afraid we are to get dirty and learn about our bodies through rumble and tumble. This is so true, while science proves that we need bacteria, worms, etc to build a healthy immune system I rarely even see children playing in the sand anymore. Or dancing in the rain? Couldn’t tell you the last time I witnessed a “rain embracer”. Life, society, etc has instilled this deep sense of caution in us and thus we are no longer outside playing or connecting with strangers (who look, feel, act, different than us!!!)
Ages 16-21 I spent my summers working at a youth residential camp. These were the best summers of my life (thus far). I spent day in-and-out testing, working, playing and UTILIZING the best tools I have been given–MY BODY AND MIND! And quickly realizing how truly resilient they are. On our days off the counselors would camp, hike, swim naked together, talk, cry, reflect, kiss, laugh, drink, wrestle, make love, etc!!! We were all so in sync and sharing this experience led to all sorts of fun relationships in all different shapes, sizes and capacities. Whether these relationships be sexual or not or whether they would last two weeks, a night, off, the entire summer, years after, etc. sharing this kind of intimate and free community led to so many beautiful things. My sister just got married her summer camp romance!!! All of my longest friends were from camp! Obviously we cannot work in this fantasy settings forever, but perhaps should strive to build a similar community full off openness, acceptance, vulnerability, silliness, adventure, communication, understanding, etc. I loved in your comment when you said “Maybe the cure for our society is just to sit together on the back porch at sunset.” It’s the moments like this where are able to talk freely, share our experiences and words with one another where can really start to understand and become less fearful of this “unknown”.
Part of my excitement in ditching New York City and making the move Upstate is to finally have space again. To run, play explore–be free. Whether that be physical like swimming in the river, taking a long walk or simply working in the yard (a real yard?!?!?! I haven’t seen grass in five years) or mental like having the time and energy to think and TALK about these issues with people who are so dedicated to the cause. I have spent the last five years feeling so bogged down in this polluted, crowded and unforgiving city. Constantly worried about job promotions, subway schedules, insanely high rent, rats, rats, RATS (although some are kind of cute) and a million other meaningless things–I haven’t had time to freaking think. I also am surrounded by stressed out, over-worked, pent up individuals who have been confined to 150 sq foot apartments and 80 work weeks–I know far too many unhappy city folk and thus no one is talking about ANYTHING. It’s like I look around and see brainwashed robots just going through the demands of this place. There is no outdoor freedom, no sensation of soil under your bare feet–You literally can’t walk barefoot here! I rarely even wear open-toed shoes. Oy vey, no longer for me…to the country I go.
I also agree with Victoria in that so much of our generation is geared around the cyber world. My white grandmother met my black grandfather at an African-American rights protest! They were out involved in the community actually giving a damn! Doing something! My dad met my mom at a concert. Once again, out in the community doing something! Like I mentioned before, my sister met her husband while working at a summer camp! Doing something! …….I met my girlfriend, sitting on my couch, swiping through Tinder (a dating app). Womp. While I love her just the same as if I met her in a different setting, it can be less exciting to hand pick someone on the internet rather than your experiences guiding you to them. If a dating app who have existed when my grandmother was growing up, society (and her father) would have told her exactly which person, race, etc she should choose. But by going out on a limb, being vulnerable and swallowing her fears she was able to gain understanding of this “unknown” and in return met the love of her life. And in the end, what the world was telling her to be fearful of was just a big load of crap.
While I know times are changing and people are able to meet in all different types of wonderful way now, our generation is experience some crazy concepts–a cyber need for everything. Everything is less and less tangible–Less about doing more about posting. Although I am thankful for these technology advancements because it now allows us to have conversations like we are now, there is still something to be said about the importance of person-person interaction and the desperate need for unique, open, communicative, diverse etc. communities. Ah…I could go on forever but I will spare you all.
I am so grateful to finally be apart of a community of thinkers again! Who are interested in issues that directly affect our lives! and the happiness in our lives!
Thank you everyone from your meaningful contributions to this topic.
Brooke
What a wonderful group of people you are.
DivaCarla, your words made me consider how we learn to work with pain, when our culture shrinks from it and medicates it? We are very lucky now if we grow up knowing how to love, how to do pain, anger or fear. From whom do we learn how to dance with these?
Pain is unavoidable. Death, heart-breaking bereavement and loss are all unavoidable, yet when pain happens, we try anything to make it go away. I wonder what proportion of the industrial base of the west now is dedicated to keeping pain at bay? Yet actually there’s no option in the manual around refusing the experience, without causing failures in other parts of the system.
The fruition of fully meeting our emotion is that we learn how to open past it. To not close down, solidify it, crystallise it, interpret it, create an identity around it, take it to the human rights court, tie ribbons around it, embalm it, direct blame at it or go viral about it – but simply be with it, and open anyway. Such an approach is completely counter cultural, but really it’s a tremendous deed, usually done in complete secret. But in order to open to life anyway, despite our pain, we have to actually touch the texture of the pain, like meeting the demon guarding the sacred door, and then we can find the answer to the riddle and get the treasure box.
I think the privilege of being born implies a sacred trust: we are asked to sing the whole symphony of being alive while we still are, to wake up to how we feel, what we feel, and to our world. The resources to do this are simply what we carry around with us. We can all come to understand what we are doing to ourselves, and others, and find our own completeness.
Why and how we create entire five-act plays in order to avoid doing this in the first place, is of course a complete philosophy (Buddhism in fact). We can do avoidance forever and give all sorts of reasons for that, at all sorts of levels (consider ‘spiritual bypassing’ – ‘I’m so Spiritual I don’t get angry’, etc etc).
Some nightmares are so fierce that we need to be on meds and don’t want to revisit our pain. The content is just too intense. So, let’s not. However, we do need eventually to allow the rawness of pain, anger and even fear to be felt without fearing that we will be being consumed. We will need to get back on one whole horse, not a horse with bits censored off.
Fear compounds pain and suppressed pain is dangerous, it can inflict pain. So, as soon as we feel able, let’s go with it, roar with our grief, get down on all fours and sob until no more comes. Play glorious music while we do, and then when it is over, rest in the silence with our own tender heart. Who was it who said, ‘at least, when our heart is broken, we know completely that we’ve got one . . .’?
Raw emotions are like riding a wave, but they are fundamentally safe. We can find them, possess them, dissolve our fear of our own and others’ pain or anger – through familiarity with our own emotional geography, deserts, torrents and storms. In a safe space, whether alone, in a held container or with a group, we can let emotions move through us, maybe punch our anger into a pillow as hard as we can – till suddenly we find we can ride that energy, wild and high like a Valkyrie or a Centaur, and perhaps, in the heart of That is the energy of our unashamed, genuine passion for life.
However, mostly in our culture we do not do this!
Doing sacred practices invokes the support and presence of the elemental energies and the ancestors; we can call upon all the great teachers and guides we have ever had, in any form, and ask them to lend us courage and support, and to bounce us right onto our own true track. I think they listen. With human others we can be co-creative in our own process. There are also times when someone is just so badly hurt and so vulnerably exposed or traumatised that we all need to come and hold them in some way, rock them in a blanket.
We know our own limits. We know when we’re ready to step out of the pain. I think that to completely meet the nature of our own prison cell, and find the key, is a solo process. We can do this when we can say, ‘I’m willing to fully meet any part of myself completely, know and face and live the truth of how things really are, even if that’s not the fairy tale or war zone that I’m currently believing that it is’. And if we find we have in fact been suffering over our own suffering, we may look harder and find the pain is just a ghost.
I think this is what I mean by openness. To be completely safe emotionally, is to be completely undefended. This does not mean being a casualty or a stooge, but to claim the freedom from the onerous business of making events into injuries, scavenging for proof of having been insulted, or having to win. We can step right out of the burden zone, drop the onus of trying to police our turf, promote our image, or bring witnesses to defend our case. Freedom from the burden of doing performance appraisals on people we want to love us or do things to make us happy. This undefended openness to outcome can relate without agendas, and have the chance to fully enjoy the often delightful experience of simply being ourselves as we respond with curiosity to what arises in the field – whether or not anybody else ever understands us, fully meets us or recognises us (though it’s nice when they do!)
When most hurt in my life, at a point where I knew I had no choice but to take my heart in my own hands, I went and lived for a little while in a tiny cabin by a surf beach, where I could have nourishing homely food brought to my door, and a lavender bath, a massage or some counselling. Crying, journaling, screaming into the roaring surf on the beach and experiencing some genuine magic, the process itself involved my realising one by one that there was no refuge in the personal mirages that I had been clinging to as a framework for my life, dreams, and even my identity: they were substanceless – they were based on my own constructs.
I fell from basement to basement through layers of my own delusionary ground until I came to point zero. No content left, no story. I then looked at my bathrobe and my sheepskin boots and recognised them as legitimate extensions of my being. The next day, this sense of my existence extended to my car, which I got into, and started a new adventure into who I really was. Some unravelling needs to be done alone.
A wise person told me that people need to go into cocoons to heal, in the same way that wounded animals do caves, and like the cocoon where the monarch butterfly hangs there in its transition from clever, foolish little caterpillar to perfect glorious wings. I am sure they embark on this project with absolutely no idea of what they’re going to become, and I think we do too.
I can say for absolute sure that something bigger than ourselves holds us safe and somehow directs us in a process like this, a natural force that stewards authentic transitions. Whenever we ask for the courage and the means by which we can show up as honest, fearless, open hearted people, in my experience, these are delivered. In fact, it’s said that the angels all applaud.
DivaCarla, you say, “The feminine cannot and does not sit around waiting for him to get his act together. He is imprisoned by patriarchy until SHE wakes up.”
This is worth contemplating, and of course, she is imprisoned by a myth of patriarchy until she wakes up too.
No man is responsible for my self-fulfilment and no man is responsible for my lack of it! Of course there are truly exploited women and men who are inescapably enslaved in relationships of abuse. But when we are not, I think that when we make a partner or lover responsible for our emotional wellbeing or self-esteem, we imprison them in a kind of lead coffin: we can’t see them and they can’t get out. Jung used this metaphor when caught in a patient’s projection. Any cherished myth of being released by Prince Charming’s kiss from our sleep in a cage of thorns has outlived its use now, I think.
Someone wise once said, ‘you can make karma stop at your door’. By our simply not reacting personally in the moment we feel someone is inconsiderate or unenlightened in relation to us, not escalating it, not creating a theatre of victimhood or hurling ‘principles’ at them like missiles, we can smile and let it go.
And also there is great magic in accepting what someone else is actually offering, rather than what we want them to be offering. Maybe someone won’t be our lifelong lover, or even our lover at all. But what are they actually offering? Drop the storyline, eat the peach. Another wise person said to me – if you want to clear karma, pain existing down the ages between yourself and another – then thank them. You don’t have to do it face to face, just do it on the inside. By all means sue them, too, if it’s that kind of issue (!) but also thank them for teaching you something about yourself, which you couldn’t have learned any easier way.
And the other metaphor I enjoy is: the butterfly actually has the power to fly away from her accidental perch on the arsehole of the elephant . . . Viva!
Goodness, I didn’t mean to write so much.
Susie
xx
Yes, thank you for writing the 2nd article Susanne. I hope people come back to read it. I”ll have to come back and read it more. Some good things for me to apply to my own process now. You describe a solo journey of deep healing with some required elements: time, solitude, unobtrusive support to physical needs, nature, courage, and faith that one will come out on the other side. This implies a community to welcome you back. It is a kind of initiation journey, Down down down, then back, and outward. That’s what I got first read through. A doctor can’t prescribe this, an insurance company won’t cover it. Some of us have the inner nudge to seek it, some of us are dragged into it by our Soul. The gift of pain is that it may take us there.
The community to welcome you back. A tribe, a family, a home that let you LIVE as who you are.
‘at least, when our heart is broken, we know completely that we’ve got one . ” I lived by that too long, and finally realized the feeling was the turn on. Repeatedly getting my heart broke cause it is what love feels like stopped working for me. It is a variation of the Woundology Idea Eric brought up. Teaching my heart how to feel the opening of love and having more of what I want in the process. Not so dramatic; better results.
There are so many threads in this tapestry: the holding of the one who is hurting, giving the right medicine that is needed in the moment, justice and restitution in a good way, that mends the fabric that is torn. What we have now is institutionalized abuse so abuse becomes normal, and throwing scapegoats into a dungeon now and then.
The sickness of civilization as we know it now, code name patriarchy, is that sex has become evil and criminal, and abuse of all kinds has become normal. The greatest wounding is that the one abused is charged with keeping the secrets of the abuser, protecting them, and often continuing to love them.
Eric’s work, my work, the personal journey work of most of the PW community, is to make sex normal. Then abuse becomes an aberration, and as a tribe, we do the right thing.
This is juicy, and I have leave now. I’ll be back later!
Susie, it’s a privilege and an honour to receive your words. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us.
And I’m so glad you did write so much, Susie. Thank you for this spectacular second piece. It resonates so deeply with what I’m living through right now. Have been experiencing old painful feelings of paranoia, judgement and rejection in these days – and this morning I decided to grab mysslf by the hair and really look at them – and found that much of the pain was my ”need” for others to be in a certain way – and that in letting go of that I’m free. Also had a painful dream about my mum, who recently passed on – and realised that I’m probably ready to open up to those painful last months of her life – in a way that it wasn’t before. You address it all so beautifully, and it gives me a lot of support.
Yes, such a beautiful thread here – and lovely to have such beautiful comments from some young PW readers.
This is an exciting conversation. Note: we have more problems than the “patriarchy.” In fact, fathers are not in charge, mothers are not in charge, nobody is in charge. Right now yin is as out of balance as yang. I think that may be the drift of this discussion.
Patriarchy is a code word for the evolution of civilization that placed the feminine under the thumb or foot of the masculine. It started by making god exclusively male, and over eons, became enacted in the tribal and family structures that endure to this day. The antidote to patriarchy is not matriarchy. Some question if there ever was such a thing as matriarchy. If so we don’t know what it looks like. It may not have been pretty.
What we seem to be getting at in this conversation is something a friend called Indigenosity. It is a strange word, and I think it means remembering how humans evolved within nature, and organized themselves to thrive in nature, in community. Now it sounds either romanticized new agey, or co-opting indigenous ways, rather than remembering that shamanic, earth-based spirituality, healing, economy and community is ALL of our recent heritage, and our neurology still works best when we in partnership with nature and one another. We get to create it new, and chances are if it works, not much is really new, but remembered. That may be what it takes to bring yin and yang to balance.
PS researching Vesta this weekend, I was reminded of the work of Riane Eisler and her framing of patriarchy as “dominator” society and the alternative as “partnership” society. That language may help move the conversation down a productive path.
DivaCarla – yes when we step into our own skin, our real tribe shows up! We may not even know who they are yet.
This leap of faith is not to become or achieve something in particular. No blueprints apply – I think that’s very important. The caterpillar has no frame of reference to even conceive what ‘butterfly’ is. There aren’t two of us in here, one holding a wish list and creating the other on a 3D printer, although some self-development gurus might have us believe this actually works. I think if it feels like this, it’s a great prompt that we’re at the point when we need to let go. And when the pilgrim is interviewed years later, they always say, ‘What leap into the fire? I’ve forgotten . . .’
Returning reverently to the geography of our sexuality and interrelationship . . . Eric, yes, the play of yin and yang is the engine of everything. Not patriarchy, not matriarchy, those erase all possibility. We need kings and queens here, but only to occupy or train in one of these polarities is fruitless. Men can hold space for women and mother us just fine, tenderly; women can inspire us, defend us and lead us, brilliantly, always have, always will.
We are continually moving from the yin of allowing and appreciating to the yang of radiating and manifesting – emptiness and fullness – we do it in every breath we take, every conversation. Just to ride the tides of our own breathing can teach us everything we need to know. In love, in all life, to consciously engage in the interplay of presence and response can make the wheels go around. Sentient beings can use this zone as our training ground anywhere, anytime.
Awareness, presence, pleasure, response, action, reaction: this is the foundation of co-creative play in every sphere. This is a factor of the ideal of partner-ship with nature and each other, but even the concept of partnership might assume some fixed positionality, whereas the reality is constant movement and to engage in this consciously we need to work with our mind.
Awareness is the primary ground, sine qua non. Do we bother to be aware of the caress of the shower water on our body, or just bash through our morning in a perfunctory way? Do we bother to be aware of the response of anything to our energy or our touch? Do we excite a dog with our encouraging energy so heavy handedly that it tears up the furniture and shags everyone’s leg, then wash our hands of the deed? Do we respect with our awareness the being of the shiny beetle that we want to put outside in the yard, or just grab at it regardless, so its little body breaks?
Do we offer loving touch to someone, or plaster our aggressive sense of our own rightness onto them, or hang off their neck like a dragging stone? All about yin and yang and dancing with awareness.
When we are being a bulldozer, a tyrant, a vacuum or a vampire, the fact that we don’t evoke co-creative dance is the signal of the need to fully explore the yin and yang in the ever present moment of our being and doing.
In a meeting, when we evoke someone’s contribution by providing a loving container of permission, or insert the most brilliant catalyst of relevant insight. Yin and yang. On email or FB: do we leap back with our ‘red pen’ at the first sentence we read, with our own opposing or ‘superior’ view, or fully savour and allow the whole message to enter us, do its work, even transform us? Bring the nature of that transformed state back to the dialogue, or just hang doggedly onto our own platform? Co-creative synergy is always inviting us to play, but for every man and woman, yin-yang and its ever-present feedback needs to be our mentor: space-awareness and the willingness to have our response shaped by space-awareness.
Ebb and flow, sound and silence, presence and pleasure, giving and receiving. This is the magic of cooperative improvised music, the bane of which is s/he who can only spew their impositions aggressively all over the container or sit frozen in paralysis, hugging their brilliance to their chest and waiting neurotically for permissions that are already implicit. To leap into the dance is scary – will we fuck up?
The vital key is listening – to rest in space, only listening: suspending critical reaction, empty, sentient and open to what is already there, and to the arising of our response. The power of awareness itself gives birth to spontaneous intervention (yang) that can ignite, calm, reinforce or shift the energy in an enriching way.
Yang can only be right when awareness is present. In this sense, the feminine actually leads: yes, this is sexual dynamic, but we need to grow our dancing skills on the inside, bring yin-yang right to the kitchen sink and the highway of our own life and take full responsibility for the quality of our own energetic contribution.
Yin-yang is not about taking one side or bringing rule books to our own or others’ behaviour. ‘Men are supposed to like/feel/be/do this.’ ‘Women are supposed to like/feel/be/do this.’ The permission and means to interrelate are not conferred by rule books or gender definitions, but by the response we evoke in the moment. Awareness of impact and feedback from the continuous moment is to tune into the dance of yin-yang, the only true mentor. Our ability to be present in interrelational awareness is the ground of our sexuality – of our ability to function as an interrelated being.
To fully open our awareness to a flower, the life-containing vibrant integrity and presence of the flower, the bird, the tree, the beetle; to our friend: they come to life before our eyes. Words are almost futile here, but we try – with words like acknowledge, grant, allow, recognise, appreciate.
One day mainstream scientists will measure how loving awareness makes cells glow and how its absence makes life wither.
Yin-yang is our teacher in every minute: the teachings are free to all, and the only condition is that we take the time to notice.