Attorney General William Barr is keeping the Mueller report on Russian election interference under wraps — for a good reason.

Planet Waves has obtained a copy of the 773-page document, which details Pres. Donald Trump’s involvement with foreign interference in the 2016 election.

Robert Mueller led the investigation.

The interference in the election was indeed foreign, and Trump was directly involved — but it was not the Russians who were the problem. In fact, in more than 100 contacts between the campaign, the transition team and the Kremlin, Russian officials were doing what little they could to help stop an alien takeover of our planet, the report says.

"The Russians acted valiantly to help save the Earth and the United States of America," the report said in the introduction. "They were only helpful, and continue to be supportive to this day. They are doing what they can."

One year into his investigation, Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III determined that, "Though it may seem preposterous, Donald Trump only appears to be in human form. In fact, he is a native of Taphao Kaew, a planet orbiting the star 47 Ursae Majoris, 45 light years from Earth."

"Who would have imagined?" Mueller asked during an exclusive Planet Waves interview. "The Big Dipper, of all places."

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VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis today beatified the late Antonin Scalia, who died Saturday in Texas at age 79. According to Roman Catholic canonical law, a deceased person can be beatified if they have one documented miracle to their credit.

“He had many,” said Pope Francis, speaking from the Vatican balcony, where millions had gathered below. “There were a good few. He was already a saint in the minds of the people, even when alive. Kind of like Amma.”

Scalia’s incorruptible body will lie in state in a glass case under the rotunda of the Supreme Court beginning Wednesday for 1,000 years, until Feb. 18, 3016, according to a statement from the court.

Despite the fact that he was out shooting quail the previous day, no foul play is suspected.

Scalia needs just one more miracle to be canonized, which was expected to be shortly. Until recently, it took three miracles to become a saint, but there is now a 33% discount, on which basis St. John Paul was canonized recently.

“If Trump gets elected, that would count as a bona fide miracle,” said Archbishop Timothy Dolan of the New York Archdiocese. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, reached for comment Sunday, said she agreed.

Scalia — a native of New Jersey who grew up in Queens, played stickball and married his elementary school sweetheart — had nine children, none of whom ever smoked marijuana. As of Sunday, a cathedral was being built in his honor on a vacant lot where his former elementary school was located.

And in Trenton, 500 units of affordable housing were bulldozed Saturday night to make room for a memorial plaza in Scalia’s honor, according to Gov. Chris Christie’s office.

“It remains to be seen whether Scalia will have been more dangerous in his body or out of it,” said Chuck Schumer, the senior senator from New York State.

Meanwhile, a mob had gathered outside 30 Rockefeller Plaza, where NBC Universal is located. Upon investigating the situation, they turned out to be all the video archive researchers reporting for work on Sunday at the Rachel Maddow Show.

Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee, today announced that all further Republican debates would be suspended till further notice, to make room on the airwaves for the TV specials honoring the life of St. Scalia.

“The RNC will never have a chairperson,” Priebus added.

STOCKHOLM — PlanetWaves.net has received the prestigious Worstie award for the worst website design of the year, it was announced yesterday. Since word of the award went viral, traffic to the site has soared, and Planet Waves, Inc. stock more than quadrupled in value, going from $2.48 a share to $11 a share in overnight trading.

The quirky website, which cannot decide whether it’s really about astrology, politics, sex or Chiron, edged out aggressive competitors including DepressedSingles.com, FrozenFood.info and DoucheBagTherapy.org, for the honor of being the world’s very worst website, based on composition, look and feel.

“This award has nothing to do with content,” said Dyno Nobelski, chairman of the panel of judges who bestowed the honor. “If it did, Planet Waves would not have done so well. They excel in original content, fact checking, and even art,” he said. “Who the heck has heard of an astrology website with fact checkers? What is this, Der Spiegel?”

Nobelski added, “Fortunately, they are terrible at everything else. We were really impressed by the shitty color scheme used by the designers, as well as overall mayhem, a sense of cluttered disorder and ridiculousness reaching into every corner of the work. This was an extremely thorough job.”

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Official promotional poster for the Eric Francis-Neil Tyson debate series.

Here is the Neil Tyson segment from Planet Waves FM of Sept. 1, 2015 [link to full program here]

Use this link if you’re listening on an iOS or mobile device. Download MP3.

Who is right? Astronomers or astrologers?

Who is closest to the truth, those wacky medieval prognosticators who lure their clients into giving up control of their lives, or the enlightened, erudite scholars of outer space?

This question will finally be settled in the 27-campus Battle of the Stars, featuring Neil DeGrasse Tyson and Eric Francis Coppolino.

The tour begins Friday evening at Columbia University in New York City, and will proceed through the spring in North America, with the final stop being the University of Toronto.

Who knows more about Pluto, astronomers or astrologers?

The tour will continue on to Europe through the summer, where students are so intelligent, they insist on going to college even in the warm weather. The series will conclude this August in Prague on the anniversary of the demotion of Pluto.

The co-moderators of the event will be Nancy Reagan and Dr. Robert Hand, who have worked together for many years as client and astrologer.

“I’m so excited,” Mr. Coppolino said in a statement issued by his publicist’s press agent’s representative. “I can’t wait to explain to Neil what a dwarf planet is. I read his book about Pluto and there were a few mistakes.”

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