All of A Sudden, Feelings

My week started off with clogged sinuses. Which led to plugged up ears. I’ve indicated in previous installments that my body is undeniably used as a message center for deeper issues that need attention. And if those aren’t addressed, the messages then extend out beyond me to my surroundings.

Oh, yeah… the toilet clogged up, too. And would not budge. And the landlord wouldn’t respond to my messages. And since all my calls went to voicemail on the first ring, I know he got them.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, a doctor or plumber to pinpoint the problem: something isn’t moving.

But since I wasn’t exactly paying attention or listening, more things stopped moving. It soon became apparent that what was stuck were feelings. And this external piling-on only exacerbated them.

Mercury having just turned direct as the week got underway, I could well have been experiencing that storm phase. If you have had a similar experience this past week, take heart that Mercury is now gaining some decent momentum.

So great have been the feelings going on for me, however, that I actually cannot pinpoint the last time it was this way. Nevertheless, I’ve been here before…spending a third of my day working through feelings in order to be something akin to productive. I actually started writing a completely different piece but because of so much heavy feeling unrelated to anything I was writing about, I’ve chosen instead to tell it like it is. Or, more accurately, like it has been.

I started to deduce that this may have had less to do with the Mercury storm phase and more about retrograde Mars’ reentry into Scorpio. There are some of us who tend to experience transits on the early side of things. Psychosomatic, perhaps? Could be worth looking into in another installment. This much I can say for sure: Mars officially exited Sagittarius on Friday. Whenever it’s felt, such ingresses by inner planets can be rather palpable for any of us. Eric has the full overview of current astrology including Mars’ reentry into Scorpio in this week’s Planet Waves FM.

I suppose having Mars in Sagittarius for the last few months, even if it is appearing to go backwards, has been a productive thing for me. Not only have projects been clicking, but my emotions and my spirits have been almost effortless to maintain. Well, it would appear all that is grinding to a complete halt. Without taking the time to work through a barrage of overwhelming feelings, the projects, personalities and petty issues are feeling like tortures to endure right now.

There’s an old one-liner about the world being a wonderful place except for the people. Indeed, people most often seem to be the source, the cause or the catalyst for my feelings. Actions… inaction… communicating one thing… doing another. Crazy-making.

Since this entire Mars retrograde transit has been underway, a number of notable individuals have entered my scene, each with a unique part to play. However, with all the retrograding of planets that has colored recent times, it hasn’t always been easy to get clear on who’s here for what reason. This can lead to feelings of doubt and instability. And that can lead to all sorts of other feelings.

Retrograde planets often bring back into the spotlight mistakes that have been repeated throughout our lives. It’s either a chance to once and for all not make the mistake anymore or to see just how far we’ve come since the last big mistake. One of my ongoing mistakes throughout my life has been prematurely granting my trust.

When such gifts are not appreciated or there is no response to a heartfelt gesture, this is where the feelings come rushing in for me. This is where clarity is lost. This is where things begin to look dingy and grey and disappointing. Scenarios begin to form in the brain. In turn, the brain takes those scenarios and runs with them, building ever more elaborate scenarios ad infinitum.

During the day while I’m working on my iMac, I generally keep a window open to a particular hook-up site. Virtually nothing has developed from that population for a ridiculous amount of time. Lots of lookie loos; lots of messages from guys who get scared and logoff before I can even respond. Yet, to my surprise, someone I had managed to have a couple of actual conversations with a while back recently indicated the desire to connect. As fate would have it, we actually did connect. I had a great time. He said he couldn’t remember the last time he was so completely immersed in the action.

With a desire to increase the quality of my connections, one of my emerging Mars retrograde objectives is to be able to repeat rewarding encounters with others while retaining our individuality. Liking what happened here, I extended the invitation. He accepted. Matter of fact, later this very week looked like the best bet for a while. We’d firm things up the first of the week.

First of the week came. Nothing. Before midweek, I took the initiative and texted. Nothing.

One of my recent topics here on Planet Waves was about a lifelong pattern of Mercury retrograde connections. Having experienced a few lasting triumphs after legions of failures, I was now feeling like those few triumphs were enigmas I never should’ve given any weight. I was now feeling like I had fallen for wishful thinking one more idiotic time.

Sinuses killing me, projects piling up, toilet clogged, messages not returned… it became clear that to find some kind of peace I’d have to take drastic measures. I would have to formally meditate. And bring every synapse into the very instant. And take the steps necessary to transform paralyzing feelings into something else. I honestly didn’t know what that was because all I could do was feel feelings. So into the moment I went.

I met my feelings one by one and felt them fully. Foremost was anger. I was angry at so much going on it wasn’t even necessary to contemplate any of that. I just felt the anger.

Sitting there just fully feeling, the anger transformed amazingly quickly into a kind of blissful thrill. Ahhh… yes… now I remember how this works. It’s almost like the feeling of coming over the big rise on a roller coaster. Scary, scary, scary… whoooo-we! Exhilarating!

Oh, but wait. Here comes the fear. Okay… feel it, feel it, feel it… aahhhhh, mmmmm, mmmm. Peace. Oh, yeah… that’s the stuff.

Once the fear and angst have given way to peaceful, blissful feelings, I ask this more-attuned aspect of myself for the truths I need to know. I ask what presently ‘is’ with any number of situations. I ask what is presently needed to restore peace and effectiveness to each physical-world situation. Having done this for many years, I will frequently perceive visual answers or otherwise gain a new perspective on a situation. When applying such techniques, the way each of us is inspired or brought to a different way of considering things will be different. It may even happen two days later.

In this particular instance, I got the impression there was more information available if I opened to audible perception, an aspect of meditative connecting that was a major breakthrough for me 10 years ago. Here’s some of what came through this week:

“You need be just you and be no other. There is no need to justify or clarify or nullify your endeavors or promises in the mist. Foremost you must see and know and have the light that rains in and be that which you are. Have this you do now be the guide.”

I just want to point out that I began seeking to yield my goings-on to whatever wisdom exists beyond my thinking brain in my 20s. By 26, I had experienced the indescribable transcendence that results from meditative contact. Twenty-five years later, I still to this day fall into the idea that I completely have this all handled and figured out. Even while everything is collapsing around me. Never ceases to amaze and scare me just a little.

Nevertheless, my cell memory (or something) clicked in and reminded me how to get to a better way of seeing things. And now the other part of all this that never ceases to amaze me:

As I brought myself back fully to the room following meditation, I realized my ears had unplugged. A bit later — after having already plunged the frick out of that clogged toilet for an hour to no avail — the clog gave way, sending gurgles echoing down the pipeline. Shortly thereafter the landlord came to the door with his plumbing equipment, followed by a text from my Internet ‘connection’ with possible times to meet.

Having such developments take place wasn’t the reason I at last came into the moment. Feeling good again was. Everything falling into place was icing on the cake, albeit a very delectable icing.

I’m telling you, more and more I find that the ultimate solutions to my problems aren’t so much about a phone call or a text or a particular action. It’s about how all things are really connected. And from what I can put together, that is in the moment. Hey, I don’t claim to fully understand it. I just know it works — and sometimes all of a sudden.