When I’d signed up for Sunday’s On-Camera Auditioning workshop, I wasn’t thinking about old messages I might have received from adults when I was younger — messages that apparently undermined my sense of what I could do with my life.
Mercury and Chiron? Boys playing in La Mina Falls, Puerto Rico. Photo by Amanda Painter.
I was just hoping to fine-tune some skills in my actor’s toolbox that could lead to well-paying gigs. When I looked at the astrology today to help Eric out with this Monday Diary, I realized that what I’ve been pondering for the last 24 hours was triggered by the Mercury-Chiron conjunction in Pisces.
Exact Tuesday at 9:07 am EDT (13:07 UTC), Mercury-Chiron is in effect now. This is the planet of mind and communication (Mercury) merging with the planet of awareness of wounding and healing (Chiron). For me, this meant being asked by the acting teacher running the workshop why I wasn’t performing with the local professional theater, and why I wasn’t Equity (a member of the professional union).
After bumbling through some answer about never feeling like it was the thing I could really make a living at, he asked me if I could follow that belief back to a specific person, and pressed me to do so.
Like I said — it was not what I expected to walk away thinking about. Mercury and Chiron in Pisces had other ideas.
One way to describe Mercury-Chiron is that it’s the feeling that you’re not quite up to it (whatever “it” may be), even though you actually are. Given that we just had an amazing total solar eclipse in visionary Pisces just as the Sun prepared to move into action-oriented Aries, this is a beautiful sequence of astrology.
The degrees of the eclipse may have related to dreaming big and emulating an ideal example and planting the seed of potential, but what if you’re suddenly worried about your ability to live up to that potential?
Sometimes, part of the process is to stop, listen, and feel for where you got knocked off course in the past. Then you get to figure out what you want to do about it. This is likely one of those moments.
Where Pisces is in your natal chart shows you where in your life this theme of being told you could not do something is showing up. If you don’t know your natal chart, just notice if something from the past is tugging at your attention, and follow it back. According to Barbara Hand Clow, when Mercury is conjunct Chiron, Chiron “grounds thoughts into exact space and time.”
Mercury-Chiron can trigger old injuries you received as a kid from people who said you could not do something. You know, things like, “You can’t sing” or “I’m not wasting money on art supplies unless you’re good at it.” Or sometimes the messages come a little later in life: “You have fun doing plays, but you should get your teacher’s certification in something practical” or “If you haven’t learned to [X] by now, you’ll never do it.”
The messages might have been far less overt. A subtle message can be more insidious; it’s hard to refute what has not been explicitly articulated.
Some kids get rebellious and super-determined to prove an adult wrong, but often statements like these absolutely wither a child inside. Other times, we may think we’ve shrugged it off and will do our thing anyway, only to find years down the line that the statement acted like a small worm that quietly bored into the back of our skull and has been leaching its poison ever since.
If this theme rings a bell for you, notice which of these things you were told you could not (or would not) do that you have actually done — and have done well. As of this writing, the Moon is in Taurus in an aspect that could help you ground the reality of what you really have inside of you. Use all of your senses to observe the concrete realities of your abilities.
Tomorrow, when the Moon moves in to Gemini and squares Mercury and Chiron, you might find yourself opening up to see the other side of the story. If you can’t quite verbalize it all today, try again tomorrow.
I was told by my mother that I could not sing, and by my father that I could never make a living as a writer.
Oh, you’re one of the rebels who proved ‘em wrong. Benefits to all of us!
I love this post, Amanda – thank you. I’ll never forget the look on my parents’ faces when I told them I wanted to be an actress. Horror (mother) and dismissal (father). I really relate to the rebellious response and the realisation that some unconscious inner belief was undermining my efforts. Now, 35 years later, I have unravelled the effects that lack of belief and support had on me. So many twists and turns, transforming in the end to a deep sense of self-belief, and a dedication to my profession based on love, appreciating the value of play, exploration, creative learning, and service. I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to transform something so negative into a deep foundation in my creative life. And I’m still acting, and have never been as busy as I am at the moment.
one of my earliest memories is the episode which ended (for the other parties) with my class teacher calling my mother (also teaching at that time) into school to tell her that ‘you cant send a three year old to school a fluent reader because it messes it up for everyone else in the class’
i think that may have been the first time it occurred to me that i’d landed on the wrong planet! now that i have (eventually) convinced myself that i am supposed to be here now, i thank my luck stars! incredible times we are living in!
Wow, right on! I’ve got natal Merc conjunct Chiron in 11th house (and sun!) Aries (opposite Uranus in Libra) and I’m just now (the last year or so) realizing how I was silenced as a child – explicitly as well as the self-silencing that followed my ‘understanding’ of how things worked in my family. My self-expression, through singing my lungs out, was silenced more than once and I cannot even think about singing now without breaking into tears. This is just one of many layers I’m consciously working on. In terms of houses, pisces strides my 10th and 11th houses, but would be my 12th house by whole sign; is that correct?
Yes, it is, if you are going by Sun in Aries; otherwise by the Taurus Ascendant (I assume) it’s house 11. Having a prominent Taurus, by the way, is a great marker for singing ability.
These three houses together (10-12) symbolise humanity as a collective, and our social/group identities. What would you most like to bring to the world, and to our species as a whole?
Thanks Amy. I have Gemini Ascendant, if that changes anything. But, yes, your question is what the universe has been asking me loudly and I’m just now getting it (45th solar return on Thurs!). With so many planets in my 11 and 12 houses, I cannot live unconsciously any longer.
Many happy returns for Thursday, and may the year ahead bring you all the answers you seek.
As a child I was coldly chastized or warmly approved of for the “eccentricity” of my speech. I never knew when I was in trouble or not. The House of Mixed Messages. Words still impetuously fall out of my mouth…but I care far less and it happens less often. I have learned reflexion, I look inside to see how I feel. Less and less do I look around for the approval of others. ….sort of.
Recently,I ran across a picture of me as a bright eyed infant with such a look of awe and fascination with the world that is just so inspiring. flashback to when I lived in Hawaii, there were countless bumper stickers on cars that proclaimed “Eddie would go” referencing the acclaimed surfer who risked his all to seek help for others. So this baby picture has become ,basically, my “Eddie would go” affirmation in the form of a black and white photograph. I look at her everyday and feel like yeah Karen would go, too. She can sing. She can paint. She loves life. She is full of promise and a loving heart. At 51, a long lost baby picture opened me up and let adult Karen become fascinated with what is possible and how life can continue to yield and inspire. So, today, I had a whole lot of fun singing while the snow fell outside. And I had a happy accident placing some flooring I am diy-ing from reclaimed barnwood( it’s a big project). A sunburst pattern emerged after moving around and rearranging few pieces that were cracked apart. I love it when that happens. Things can seem broken and then turn out pretty marvelous…even better than expected. My hands are touching every inch of my house and I am having so much fun giving an old farmhouse renewed energy efficiency, beauty and life.
Amanda: Thank you for so beautifully elucidating our “beautiful sequence of astrology.”
Wow, this helped! I woke up this morning feeling utterly defeated. What have I been thinking? There’s no way I can launch myself into my own business doing what I love (whatever that may be….) There’s no way I’ll ever…. I gave myself the day off from diligently working to make something happen and was present to that voice, meditated, put stuff up for sale on eBay that needs to leave my space, and basically relaxed around it all as best I could. By my desk I have a sign that says, “The Universe is gracious and wants to give to you.” It’s nice to have reminders like that, too. Looking forward to tomorrow, for sure!
I was drawing pictures as soon as my little hands could hold a crayon. I went to art school despite my family’s warning that I wouldn’t make a living in the art world and should instead pursue a career in “science” (it was the Sixties and my mother was enthralled with the Space Race but then so was everyone, except me). Determined to do things my own (creative) way – Uranus trines my 8th-house Sun/Merc/Venus from the 4th – I went on to various art-related careers: advertising design, theater arts, newspaper publishing and today, visual communications and social media. Yet that voice behind me telling me I’ll never make it has followed me, it’s always there. And the worst of it is, that insecurity has crept into other areas of interest, and though I’ve studied and trained for decades, I still don’t feel I’m “quite up to it.” So yeah, Amanda, it’s well worth looking at all of it and remembering all that’s been done well, despite having been told it couldn’t be done at all. Thanks for this.
Good one, Amanda. Good reminder that the shame of creativity is as insidious as all the others.
Recently found this gem from James Baldwin:: for the artists::
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-IyamaAbxM&t=10
It’s the mundane duties that I’m not feeling “up to”. I don’t want to go back to subbing tomorrow, after what I experienced over the weekend. The workshop, audition, and interviews at Naropa went well. I’m so ready to move, and be immersed in that environment. I don’t want to go back to the grind of substitute teaching, and I had a frustrating rehearsal tonight. Now that I’m back home, things feel mundane. I’m feeling up to my grand plans, but the day to day, not so much. Although, I’m using my excitement for the long-term future as fuel for the day to day. As they say in theater, “use it”.
Unless you are tied to one school where you can form relationships with the students, subbing can be grueling. Not easy money, Good luck, Michael.
Great article and comments (and photo!). I grew up in a family with the opposite problem – we were all expected to be gifted, performing creatures – and were never taught that one of the most important things was to be able to put bread on the table – hence, my siblings and i struggled to survive when we were shot out into the world. I sang, wrote, played the guitar like breathing until adolescence, when it all dried up. I spent many painful years trying to retrieve my writing vein, and read many books on unblocking it. This led me, almost by accident, to holding creative writing workshops. Many years ago, my father was deeply disappointed when I became a teacher – but I now know that my ability to put others in touch with their creatiivity and joy is one of my greatest gifts – and my ability to do this alo comes from my own struggke, Thanks for putting me in touch with this, Amanda. And am delighted about your breakthrough.
“they say in theater, “use it” Yes – I so understand the frustraton you’re feeling Michael – but have faith in your gifts and determination – and the battle of the daily grind (I’m also frustrated in a non-teaching job), which is all about the most difficult task of all, the art of living.
Thank you all for contributing your personal stories of struggle and triumph to this thread! I do believe very strongly that we can all benefit from sharing our stories — both in the act of sharing and showing ourselves, and in the act of receiving all of who someone is. We take heart in someone else’s healing; we find solace in knowing someone else has hurt the same way we have. It’s all good.
And I just love to see all the different ways the astrology can manifest and resonate for people. It’s just awesome.
It’s incredible just how many of us have received these unfortunate messages from the very people who were supposed to be nurturing us into our full, unique being; who were responsible for establishing our early sense of identity and self-esteem. And yet, despite the anguish and fear, here you all are, determinedly finding your true path and doing your best to ignore that pernicious, authoritarian parental voice.
Know that each and every one of you is an inspiration.
PS. Totally ninja’d by Amanda
Amy, your comment made me think of this poem, that I’ve always loved:
This Be The Verse
By Philip Larkin
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
Brilliant
I just have to share that I awoke today from a dream clearly (yet obliquely — you know how dreams can be) reiterating my experience with this astrology, as well as reinforcing my experience last night (in my previously scheduled session with the spiritual healer/counselor I work with) sorting through this very material. She actually had a good laugh at how thoroughly the universe is supporting me in getting my attention on this stuff, and offering help in clearing the related patterns — which apparently are karmic and ancestral as well for me.
I had to laugh, too. Sometimes the universe just kind of keeps saying, “Hey! Hey you! Look at this great shit!” Until you finally look, slap your forehead, and get busy.
As my counselor noted, though, we’re really good at opening this emotional/psychic/energetic material up (the old wounding and patterns of perpetuating it ourselves) — but we tend to struggle with closing it back up and moving on once we’ve seen it and worked on healing or clearing it. I mention this in case anyone feels like they’re a little “stuck” in moving the energy around what they’ve come to understand with this astrology: sometimes we need a little outside help (in the form of a co-healer/counselor type person), or just need to find the right image and/or movements to make it real for ourselves.
For me, her suggestion of going through my past to “close the jars” did not work. But my idea to think of (and physically motion) closing a succession of doors, then turning and telescoping forward to a succession of new, open doors felt like it worked. And we can never underestimate the help we can receive when we offer up what we by ourselves cannot clear to god/the light/source/our angels and ask for help with it.
Wishing everyone love and healing and expansion.
Just this morning I moved a piece of paper that was accidentally covering a crystal I have next to my desk (celestite – I only have three crystals, don’t really know much about them), turned the paper over and printed on it is “More doors will open for you” with a graphic of a door (on blue, with a red handle). At that moment a door opened in my mind and a gush of fresh air came through to clean out all the dust and dark corners and stale stagnant air. I had asked the universe for some help. I like change, and everyone around me is getting lots of it these days, mostly good, but I have just felt trapped in a corner, feeling like I could explode… and so I asked for some new path, changes that would get me out of these I gotta make the money situations that drive me crazy. And it is this self-entrapment that I realized that this astrology is pointing me towards, the belief that I don’t have enough money to do what I would really like to do, and I can’t seem to get out of this familial cycle of never having enough money. A definite childhood pattern, we often didn’t have enough money for food. But I always believed I could do anything I put my mind to, and have accomplished amazing things even without having much money. Yet this deep seated belief still follows me around, even though I have asked it to go away in many ways. I’m going to try your suggestion of closing a succession of doors on these old energies, and opening new doors, since that is what was expressed to me in response to my request for help. And reinforced by reading your words just a few hours later.
I mentioned above about feeling trapped in a corner… I have felt an incredibly strong urge this past week to only do what I want to do, trapped in situations that I adamantly do not want to participate in, (though I realize this is a bit of an over-reaction, and somewhat childish). This pointed me to some childhood abuse situations where I did not want to be there, and I felt so confined by the situation and yet had (seemingly) no control over escaping it. My first reaction to any situation I don’t want to be in is to feel closed in and the need to escape. And yet we are all forced to be in situations that we don’t want to be in, usually because of the need to make enough money to survive. It’s an interesting dilemma.
In the present time, my partner has just secured a wonderful new job and I will certainly benefit. I have Pisces in the 8th, we are having some healing moments just this week with taking care of the money hole we dug over the past year. Clearly the 2nd and 8th houses are a big part of this message at the moment in my life. And this Chiron / Mercury conjunction is conjunct my natal Chiron, which is a point in a natal T-square involving Jupiter/Uranus/Pluto/Saturn, and is also sextile natal Mercury conjunct transiting Pluto (in the 6th). Some deep stuff being dredged up here.
The energies have been pushing me to dig up some old writing I did in the late 80’s early 90’s. I even had a dream about a month ago where Eric told me he wanted to see the writings I did in the past… I just found a hundred or so old poems that are surprisingly good. And I realized that my earliest desire was to be a writer. But I can’t seem to follow any thread to a particular person who said this wasn’t possible. It almost feels like the limitation came from within. But I will sit with it awhile longer and see if anything else comes up.
Thanks Amanda!
I have these conjunct in my natal chart (Aquarius, 5th house) ~
and find that writing, teaching, speaking, etc., within a creative context are
absolutely a path of healing and personal fulfillment …
What a profound week it’s been, good Goddess…
Thank you for this wonderful article ~ Sara Victoria
I have Pisces rising.
As a child I was suppressed severely; not even allowed to participate in conversation. My mother’s belief was that I was incapable of knowing anything or doing anything (not even the dishes!!!) or of becoming anything. There was no concept in me that I could aim for a career or even a job. When the Grade One teacher asked the class what we wanted to be when we grew up, my reply was “Nothing”.
Oh my, have I ever surpassed those beliefs about my nothingness!! Particularly in art and music I’ve actually become quite a visible figure in this (small) community. As a child, being left alone, I simply followed direction from within and learned silently on my own in both art and music, inching forward bit by bit in private.
This current time has been like a celebration of completely coming out from all that emotional & mental abuse, with co-hosting my first-ever public classical piano recital. A full house. A concert pianist at last! Dream come true! It took me only 60 yrs to get here, but I did get here. wow.
Congratulations Jan!
YOU are a concert pianist!
Truly awesome to hear your dream has come true… and so inspiring.
Yep. This is most certainly resonating (I have Moon in Taurus). My mother told me that I couldn’t sing and would never be able to act or perform for a living. She also told me to never shine academically as it drew too much attention and thwarted all my attempts as a writer and that I’d be skint forever like my father. Now I face trying to put bids in academically for a project that includes writing and performing and singing… and I have less than zero money and children to support… and keep getting knock back after knock back… and now I’ve ground to a halt.
I’m stuck.
Like a rabbit in the headlights.
The comments above all resonate, especially “I’m so ready to move, and be immersed in that environment” – yet somehow I can’t move. I just feel defeated, so filled with failure that it took me nearly an hour to even get to the point of writing this!
Erin — just in case you haven’t revisited this thread, one of our readers named Alex has replied to you directly a few comments below this one in the thread.
Oh yes yes yes…Pisces is the Sun sign of my Mom and Step Dad and the Moon sign of my Dad. It was a mixture of support for tools and intense dissing of everything I was missing that my original dad nor my Mom and her family didn’t teach me before Step Dad showed up. I had the tools and the space to do music practices, but then at the same time I was told that making a living as an artist of any kind means being at the whim of someone else for your pay. Excuse me? And working any job where you punch a clock isn’t? Yep, the American idea of individual independence both hobbles actual independence by polluting the world of the wild and alienates people from the reality of interdependence. It took me until my late 30’s to stop jumping at the paper tigers in my basement and to free my long cultivated but mostly hidden voice from the closet. I took the rebellious stance but later on realized that I also took on the scowly emotions of Rush Limbaugh’s followers: I hobbled my ability to enjoy anything at all because of the disser’s invasive commentary, running constantly in my background, often letting my dissing leak out on people within range. Again it took me until my late 30’s to fully come awake to my own part in all the explosive relationships I had over the years.
Eric has recently written about this: it’s really hard for men in this culture to find healing cause we’re so smothered by projections about masculinity. The feminists often won’t help the men, telling us to go find a men’s group but then the men’s groups are typically in hateful stances toward women that just participate in digging the same hateful divide they accuse feminists of digging. I don’t know what would have come of me if I hadn’t found the Tai Ji community and the local Buddhists. Asian medicine dealt with the monster in my basement directly and taught me the means to cultivate my own mental~body health.
As for music being a good hobby but not a way of life: my cycle of 23 original songs is a medicine journey speaking to the plight of men, or at least this man who wanted desperately to heal but for many years didn’t know how, able to notice the demons but not catch and dissolve and/or integrate them. The story progresses into my medicine practices that have gradually but deeply changed my perspective and removed the disser from the command center of this being’s actions. The songs I have deserve to shine cause they came to this world for more than me. So what if I’m over 40 now? I couldn’t write this story without walking the path first.
Yeti — your reports from your path are always so encouraging! Thank you for sharing your process so that others may perhaps see another way to approach themselves and their healing. I have no doubt your new songs will find their audience.
I love this: “removed the disser from the command center of this being’s actions.” Can’t wait to hear your music!
I actually could not read the article at first as the line ‘What were you told you could not do?’ was heard in the voice of my most articulate influence that quashed any creative urges and had an image of them bearing down on me, teeth bared and finger pointing. I bravely revisited the article many hours later, though not so brave as to read the title again! And wept reading every word. Was quite relieved until I came to the end and read Eric’s simple, precise comment and started to sob!!!
I am now smiling in recollection. Literally since lunchtime 1330 UTC I have been in this state where I have been receiving images and messages from the experiences of this life that were void of any outside influences and have been recognising the Self that was before the ‘worm’ had made any sustained damage.
The precise timing of reading this article (thanks to the Perfect Plan) was preparation as I was coming to the point where I had started to remember the actual physical and verbal censorship that has formed most if not all of my unhealthy patterns and was terrified it would be like opening a cupboard and would feel completely squashed by all that fell out and I would never recover.
Thanks to the precision, humour and insight of this well written article I have the tools so that I did not even need to open the cupboard! Just label it and send to metaphorical landfill to be transmuted with Love & Light.
It is such a relief to be dealing with this – remembering the past hurst never helped before. I have a memory that conscioiusly started from 10 months old. ie I remember the first time I was hit at 23months old etc … so I have always buried them deep (inside that proverbial cupboard). Now am using this precious moment in time to take action by shining the light of understanding on them. (no more nasties in the dark recesses of the cupboard!)
Have totally enjoyed reading all the comments too – also liked the dream share Amanda – as you can see my image to help me is the (very big, dark wood) cupboard.
The ability to utilise this magical moment in time is a joy. Thanks so much for this catalyst. Looking forward to Gemini in the mix soon …
All Love, Racquel
Whew, Racquel — so glad you were able to come back to the article and the conversation, and able to use the energy and comments constructively! Yes, the memories of our past hurts can feel so threatening and overwhelming; it’s such an amazing feeling when we reach that moment or acquire the tools that allow us to put them in their place and move on. Our pasts are always with us, always part of us — but we have more power over how we use them than we sometimes think, or feel.
For me this last few weeks or months has been a perpetual roller-coaster of highs and lows. The highs connect with my overcomer self and its evolving inner dialog in which I feel as if I have left the old insecurities behind for good. But the lows seemed to open old wounds and deep insecurity that I thought were long healed. I have gyrated from supreme confidence to debilitating doubt.
Only time will tell, but this last week feels like a paradigm shift of consciousness – whereby – I feel relaxed and expectant. I seem to be harnessing determined energy for change and enjoying myself as I unroll this simple day by day, or step by step, plan that will unfold only as I step forward into it.
As I have weathered many setbacks along the way it seems always evident to me that something is guiding the ship and all I have to do is stay onboard. I have stayed onboard and no mater what role I assume from captain to steward the ship keeps moving along. I haven’t worried about where it is going as much as who I will be along the way. Today I feel like the captain of my ship with ample energy to direct the action. That seems to be my highest ambition and it is enough for now.
As far as whop told me I couldn’t do something? Not really sure how to define that but with my parents now gone and my brother and extended family placed at the edge of the field, I follow the dream I have without exactitude but with extreme faith in the purpose and direction. Much is yet to be found but the trip is more fun that I often realize. I am learning to enjoy everything.
As I was eating my breakfast this morning and looked at the crusts of bread left on my plate I heard my mother’s voice say, “eat your crusts or you won’t have curly hair”. Even as a young child I knew that was nonsense. So when I was told you can’t hold a note… I sang. When I was told turn off the lights you need to go to bed, I brought in a flashlight and read. Teachers challenged my belief in myself. “You can’t diagram a sentence” (now I’m dating myself); “did you write this or did someone else?”; “you need to learn how to write scientifically without feeling as a psychology major”, really. “You don’t need math, you’re going to grow up and get married”. It’s no surprise I love singing, reading into the night, writing from the heart and can actually balance my checkbook — by overcoming these outside voices, I claim my Piscean soul!
Everyone’s sharing resonates powerfully with me. I am moved to share my experience.
This week I’m preparing for a show, it opens this Friday, a show of small paintings, Space is big…Really big.
This week I have had to struggle with the strongest messages of giving up painting, feelings of;
I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m not good enough, I don’t have the personality to make a career, and this is not the way to ‘make a living’.
While writing this post I realize, these sensations, feelings about success in my ‘work life’ (my 6th house) come from my father’s side, they all amount to the same bottom line message, ‘you can’t do what you love, it’s dangerous’.
So I come up to the edge of success and do something new.
It’s like becoming a great baseball player in the minors and at the moment of going to the majors, learning to play soccer.
I never know if I could become really successful, I just get to taste it and I have to run.
I’m tracking my thinking in my body today. I see my mouth hurts; I may have an infection in the root of my tooth.
I am starting to see it is telling me to complete the healing of ‘the root’, what I inherited from my father’s side, the fear of being seen, the fear, that once you have something it will be taken away, the fear that my ability to be assertive in the world (he was in the resistance during WW II), will be turned against me, turned into aggressive actions.
Amanda, I like the idea of coming to the end of a realization and then closing it up.
It’s like a shamanic ritual, open the space, do the work, and close the space, live life, let spirit guide you and prosper!
I will see my spiritual teacher tomorrow.
It is time to stop processing loss. Thank you everyone.
OK ..here’s a bit of crazy….in my youth, I studied dance…..my father always told me it would make me confident and poised…….but the message he was most fond of delivering to me was one of dismissiveness concerning my intelligence…..(kindest way I can articulate it)…..At the end of it all is projections…….I have always been out ahead of this one…and the past Mercury R……really lit it up….Let’s just say…..my confidence and poise was overflowing…..Thanks for listening…..Mercury is in my “Venus Hood” …..feeling the LOVE……………Thanks…………….
I was a happy bubbly child but my mother always found a way to burst my bubble and make me sad. She was never smacked as the spoiled and precious only girl child, but she never held back on smacking me, and she smacked me all the time right through till I was 14 yrs old.
If my baby brother dropped his ice cream, I got smacked. If my sister protested something with me, I got smacked. She never smacked my younger siblings, only me, and it got to the stage that my sister would deliberately do things that got me smacked – so cruel like our mother.
The worst thing for me, was the humiliation, as the pain of the smack would disappear, the humiliation stays forever. And that is the issue I have today, my fear of being humiliated, no matter how good I am at what I do, or how brightly I perform or present myself, the fear of humiliation looms large and has stunned me “like a rabbit in the headlights” as Erin said, stunting my growth, and stopping me from wanting to step into the limelight of my own retreats or circles that I so love to host. I always hand over the reigns to someone else to lead, in case I humiliate myself.
Thanks for this article because it has really helped identify exactly why I freeze or fail, when trying to do the work I love – giving treatments and teaching reiki, hosting regular full-moon circles & retreats, as well as doing some writing – and now I can close the door on the actual events that lead to that belief/fear, that has held me back for over 40 years.
Great work, Amanda, and thanks for all the sharing. It illuminates and heals all of us!
Leilani, Such a profound connection remembering those early feelings of humiliation. As I read your story I see a soul who was courageous, brave and has great strength. You are the healer, you are love, be seen for all your beauty, it’s your birthright to break the chains that bind you. Peace!
Yes – and also, Leilani, that terrible grief and humiliation you experienced is also what must make you a great healer for others, and give you the ability to really relate to other peoples’ humiliation – your suffering is also part of your light and strength for others (in true Chiron style).
Sounds amazing, Kazimira! Lots of luck and love with it all.
Erin K – just to encourage you.. It feels like this struggle has coalesced into your being utterly goal driven. That is self-perpetuating any energy underlying. That energy, if unexplored/unconscious could be immersed in a species of perfectionism – which is insidious because it denies organic process of trial and error.
With moon in Taurus I’d forget the drivers and remember the enjoyment of ‘art for art’s sake’ (even if that means a temporary vocational emphasis shift). Acquire something like a conga or djembe drum and feel the rhythms. Absolutely no scripts or forms, allow the drum to play you. In so doing you will unlock your primal force, as you persevere in aligning with it.
Much love
Alex
Thank you, D.C and Lizzy. Your observations have given me another perceptive view of that time and what I can learn from it, and how I could use it in healing.
I have been juggling all these balls wondering what to do next with my life, and you have confirmed for me that is the ball I need to run with at this time.
Thank you both, and thank you Planet Waves for giving us such a wonderful forum for learning, healing and growing,
Love, peace and light to all xx