By Amanda Painter
We rarely let the people we are in relationships with know our full selves; there are always things about us that we prefer not to show others. Sometimes, we barely acknowledge these facets of ourselves to ourselves.
Photo by Amanda Painter.
Have you ever told yourself that you are “sparing” your partner from your rough edges, your dark secrets and your “unacceptable” desires?
Along those lines, do you carry around the belief that you are wholly unselfish toward the person with whom you’re in a relationship (or that you’ve been “the generous one” in the past)?
If so, do you base that belief partly on the fact that you have not “imposed” the seemingly unpleasant or needy parts of yourself onto them?
Friday’s astrology features a pair of oppositions that are combining to bring your awareness to these dynamics and questions. The first is the Sun in Libra opposite Eris in Aries, exact at 9:13 am EDT (13:13 UTC). The second is Venus in Virgo opposite Neptune in Pisces, exact at 10:53 pm EDT (2:53 UTC Saturday).
In Sun-Eris, we get an image of your “relationship self” being confronted with some fragments of yourself that you have perhaps cast off, hiding them in the shadows. The things is, even the parts of ourselves that we try to hide or deny are still, in the end, part of what makes us who we are. If we do not consciously choose to acknowledge and integrate these identity fragments, sometimes they get our attention in less-than-healthy ways that stir up inner chaos.
So here’s another question: how can you bring these fragments of you to the table, in a way that lets you feel whole — rather than assigning these pieces of yourself onto a partner, or blaming them on your relationships? Or put another way, what are you afraid might happen if you let your partner see all of you? If roles were reversed, could you see and accept a lover or spouse in their full light and shadow?
Now let’s take a look at Venus opposite Neptune. According to astrologer Robert Hand, when transiting Venus opposes Neptune, it’s a good time to “make an effort to understand and accept the reality of your relationships.”
In other words, it is tempting right now to put on the rose-colored glasses about a love interest. In particular, Hand notes that a typical Neptunian illusion with this aspect is to imagine you are “the unselfish, giving one, who sacrifices everything for the other.” That is a game of ego and control, and has no constructive purpose in a healthy relationship.
Hand continues, “Even if you were that unselfish, it would not do anything positive to build up the relationship. You have real needs that must be met by any relationship, and if they are not met, the relationship will not work out.”
In other words, failure to acknowledge your needs and desires is just as incomplete, just as much a denial, as is hiding the parts of yourself that you do not like. In both cases, you rob yourself of an opportunity to stand whole in relationship to another person — and, perhaps even more importantly, you rob yourself of the opportunity to see yourself clearly as whole and worthy of being seen.
Now, I’m not pretending this is easy. It’s not — and I think we make it even harder through the increasing distance we’re putting between ourselves and the people we’d like to be close to, thanks to electronic devices. The more we shape our public image through social media, and the more we communicate via email and texting rather that in person (or even by phone), the more opportunities we have to hide the parts of ourselves we fear from those who might love us.
Sadly, that makes it easier to hide from ourselves, too.
The signs Aries and Libra bring together concepts of initiative and balance. So you have some extra push from the universe to take some initiative and bring some balance to how much of your full self you bring into your relationships.
Virgo and Pisces bring together concepts of service and belief. It may not be entirely clear right now whether you are genuinely serving love or serving your beliefs about love. One possible litmus test: ask yourself which way of being feels more vulnerable. Without vulnerability, there can be no true intimacy, honesty and healing.
Very beautiful. Thank you!
Pisces Sun: you are welcome!
“In other words, failure to acknowledge your needs and desires is just as incomplete, just as much a denial, as is hiding the parts of yourself that you do not like. In both cases, you rob yourself of an opportunity to stand whole in relationship to another person — and, perhaps even more importantly, you rob yourself of the opportunity to see yourself clearly as whole and worthy of being seen.”
It might just be time to create another “Amanda Painter Greatest Quotes” post-it for my office bulletin board. Thank you!
Ms. Moreno: you humble me. Thank you.
Amanda: Thank you. Based sole on my own (and quite immediate) experience, this offering of yours today has once again demonstrated (with both substantial erudition and enviably lucid style) just how profoundly efficacious astrology truly is. As a fan of astrology, i am profoundly grateful.
Len, I am always grateful when we can offer something in balance to each other’s columns here. Thank you for letting me know this had an impact on you.
Thanks Amanda. This issue is the most terrifying and high risk endeavor we confront in relationship. The terror we are taught about stepping out of line makes being totally honest the most radical conception, even though all good people are. When we realize that we don’t fit the model but yet see our own innocence, then we have ability to free ourselves with another.
There is never a guarantee that the other will rise to the vibrational level necessary to discuss our shadow joyfully but at some point it becomes more important to live honestly than whatever the consequences may be. In my case thus far I have lost many many friends and suffered massive ridicule but my life partner has expanded with me and we are hiding nothing from each other and living with what is truthfully.
Maybe there are more discoveries to make between us, I hope there is, and maybe this weekend will peel back another layer or two. Nothing more exhilarating that finding new material to work with. That is what true freedom brings – a sense of adventure where fear once stood.
“This issue is the most terrifying and high risk endeavor we confront in relationship.”
It truly is, Cowboy — I agree 100%. As you note, a partner might not be able to rise to the level of our truth and full reality. We might not be able to rise to theirs, as much as we wish we could. It’s not easy to allow that simply to be, without taking it personally as “punishment” for having been “wrong” to show ourselves.
As you note, it can lead to ridicule from those who are terrified by our example, or who do not understand. It’s initially painful to let those associations with friends, lovers or family (who we are conditioned to believe we cannot, should not, leave) fall away. But ultimately that makes room for those, as you describe, who can expand with us.
Not easy by any stretch. Kudos to you and your partner for working that edge together.
Article today where Yoko Ono talks about John Lennon being Bisexual and talks about how they talked about it together.(thought she thinks he never followed through)
She being more conservative still accepted him as he was and they together faced the fire so strongly – I perceive because they could look into the beauty of their shadow together – giving them extra focus.
Some of the things she helped John do are truly heroic in my opinion. Funny to find that she was the conservative one, not the radical one after all.
I love wheels it truly spoke to me ten years ago when I got off the merry-go-round. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAU6VBxJL6M
“Nothing more exhilarating than finding new material to work with. That is what true freedom brings- a sense of adventure where fear once stood.” Wow, cowboyiam, talk about transforming energy from negative to positive! Amanda P’s article with your elaboration has truly given me much to ponder and I am very, very grateful. The rawness and vulnerability, working with one’s shadow and being honest with one’s partner and especially with one’s self is an aptitude that each of us must foster and treasure.
No matter what, I do know that I intend to be whole in whatever relationship I choose, with or without him. The timing of the universe is a curious thing!
I am faced with a very early relationship but still at a bit of a crossroads having just learned how much older than I this gentleman is. It’s pretty substantial–three weeks younger than my step mother, which means there is more residual energy there associated with her and my relationship that could bleed over into his and my budding relationship that I would likely have to tackle, and really would prefer not to.
I had actually paused and asked myself earlier today prior to reading this piece, “what do I want?” “How do I feel about all of this?” I must be clear as to how I feel before I begun to sense the energy of others and their judgment, (especially hers but really all of my family members). If this relationship is something that I do not want then I should do the right thing and tell him that too. As I pondered this, it occurred to me that I even have a third choice, which is that I can just let things be, observe it all and dance through the rhythm of everything. It occurred to me that I have been introduced to a teacher (him) in more ways than one, and not everything has to be analyzed and reconciled, after all Saturn is in not in a fixed sign!
“It’s pretty substantial–three weeks younger than my step mother, which means there is more residual energy there associated with her and my relationship that could bleed over into his and my budding relationship that I would likely have to tackle, and really would prefer not to.”
Hmmm…. Pisces Sun, sounds like you’ve stumbled onto one of those fascinating relationship holograms we sometimes get shown/offered! Do you work one-on-one with anybody who (as in, a therapist or spiritual counselor type person) who can help you sort through those energies and patterns? I’ve found that having that kind of assistance and neutral mirroring can be very helpful to be able to get to the root of things and release energy that needs to be released, rather than just repeating patterns and compounding them.
Sounds like the “knowing what I want” option and the “let things be/observe/dance through it” options are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I was especially struck by your acknowledgment of the familial judgment you anticipate receiving with this relationship. That observation alone says a lot.
Having been in a situation where the judgments (and perceived judgments) of others — from my own mother, to my partner’s family, and rippling out into All Women — were a weight around my neck at one point, I’ll simply say again that sorting through, understanding and clearing that material with the help of a trusted guide can be incredibly beneficial to a person’s healing path. It is deep stuff, and can get complicated; but I think the fact that you can see the correspondences says a lot about where you are in your process.
Good luck, however things unfold!
Amanda, Thank you so much for your insight on my post. A hologram of energy hadn’t been considered but it does make sense. For me, I don’t want to co-mingle the two. In my mind, they don’t belong together. But, if I have an opportunity to face the shadow to become more whole so that I am in the relationship more fully than this is what I should do. My biggest caution is against myself, to watch any projection of my anticipation of residual energy. afterall, am in control which is a big part of the dharma, if you would. I can change the reaction from what the pattern had been. With that being said, I also must strongly consider flowing in the relationship and not over-analyzing it. If I can do that, this is a significant break in patterns in and of itself! Thank you again for your article and response!
Pisces Sun, you said: As I pondered this, it occurred to me that I even have a third choice, which is that I can just let things be, observe it all and dance through the rhythm of everything.
PS, I have come to feel that the best course in any drama is to float in the stream and allow things to unfold naturally before making any decision. It just seems to me that we have already asked for what we want and the universe is bringing it our way, when all of the sudden, we tend to freak out and start trying to dictate the action. I think that is where we tend to get lost and produce unnecessary trauma. I think you are leaning in the best direction.
I started to say “right” direction, but of course I have no idea what is the right direction for you just now.
Love.
Cowboyiam, you are so right, the universe provides and I have asked for what I have received which can be many things and many teachings so why resist and over-analyze? Your perspective is so poignant and so right on! Thank you! And so grateful to have your perspective, lots of love back at you!
Amanda, this article seems it would cause everyone to pause and reflect. I agree with everyone’s comments, it is beautifully written. It certainly puts into words the feeling I have experienced on both sides of the fence – with others and within myself. I thank you (also appreciating the comments made/revealed by everyone) for the words and the vulnerability and strength to put these thoughts into words.
Tana — thank you, and you are welcome. Yes, I too am greatly appreciating the conversation people have opened up in this space in response. There is much food for thought here!