Better orgasms? Isn’t that a first-world problem?

Posted by Planet Waves

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Carla Sanders, a longtime Planet Waves reader and commenter going by “Diva Carla,” shares here some of her writing as a sex educator. As violence and desperation continue on all continents, she is offering an article on foreplay — and for excellent, crucial reasons.

Editor’s Note: Carla Sanders, a longtime Planet Waves reader and commenter going by “Diva Carla,” shares here some of her writing as a sex educator; she most recently contributed an essay to the 2016 annual edition, Vision Quest. We looks forward to your comments about the piece below. — Amanda P.

By Carla Sanders

I teach people how to have sexual pleasure.

Meanwhile, thousands of refugees are trapped in limbo between bombed out homelands, death squads, and closed borders.

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Terrorists bomb restaurants, concerts, and shopping centers.

In the United States, home-grown terror, armed at the neighborhood gun shop, mows down adults and children at work, dancing and going to school.

Police murder of African-American men happens almost every day.

Rape is commonplace all over the world as a violent act of private or collective conquest.

This isn’t even counting natural disasters, disease, famine and climate change.

Media eats it up like news crack, and throws on gas on the tension and fans the flames.

As violence and desperation continue on all continents…

I am writing an article on foreplay.

I hear a whisper from my inner judge.

“Isn’t the quest for sexual pleasure and the ultimate orgasm a ‘first-world’ problem?”

Searching my Soul for the answer, it only takes a moment to see it, as if written in glowing red paint on a wall of a holy cave.

There is nothing more important than healing the wound that all of humanity carries in this tender place labeled “SEX.”

Cultures, religions and governments have split off sexuality from the rest of life, made it evil, tried to lock it in a box and throw away the key.

As a result people all over the world wander through life cut off from a core aspect of self. Individually and collectively, for generations, modern humans search for their lost parts and try to fill the void. What cannot be expressed freely as love and pleasure has a way of turning sideways and toxic. It becomes violence.

We see the effects in depression, dysfunction and violence in families, violence towards the environment, and violence in the streets. It becomes systematic rage, war, genocide. It spews forth hate as oppression of women, other ways of loving, other races and nationalities and religions.

We learn to suppress ourselves.

How can you help others if you are suppressing or struggling with your greatest power?

Look inside.

Look at that dark, silent little box where you were told to put your sexuality. Feel who you are. Feel where it hurts. Look at where the bandages are hiding your wounds (yes, that’s where the light enters).

Even if you are sexually open and have a great sex life, look anyway. You’ve put a piece of yourself, maybe a very large piece, inside that dark, secret box. There isn’t one of us on the planet who hasn’t felt this way.

That place where it hurts, or feels shameful, or like a failure or disappointment — that’s where the light is.

For now, just hold the box. No one will make you open it before you are ready.

Remember this: You are inside that box labeled ‘sex’.

If you’ve hidden away a piece of your Self in there, what else did you hide with it? What genius, what greatness, what love? How much work is it to hold yourself in, so that box stays closed?

Consider all these things, and what it’s costing you.

What is it costing all of us for you to hold your power in?

That’s why I write about foreplay — it is where where sex meets daily life and gets practical. Most of us experience sex through relationship, or desire to do so.

Foreplay is where we use our best erotic skills, intimate communication and creative love play for our own and our partner’s pleasure. It’s also where we rub up against each others’ wounds, expectations and secret hidden emotional triggers.

If over half the people having sex claim to be unhappy with their foreplay experience, then there are a lot of people who do not have full access to the power of their sexual life force. Something is locked away in that silent dark box. Sometimes just a little lovin’ or a little information will let it out. Sometimes more work, healing and education is required.

Foreplay is an erotic playground, and a sexual healing ground. If you are having trouble opening up the box where you’ve hidden your sexy communication skills and erotic confidence, practice your skills. If you don’t have a partner, practice foreplay with yourself. When you masturbate, give yourself as much erotic time and attention as you want to share with a lover, as much as you hope your lover will lavish on you.

Collectively we have a big mission — to live together peacefully on Earth. It is not an impossible mission if we each start the only place we can: within our own bodies and souls, soothing the sore spot where we are at war with ourselves. Love yourself into healing, and offer it to the people you are most intimate with: lovers, partners and self.

You are not a first-world problem. Neither is your sex life, or doing what it takes to enjoy your sex life more. Your pleasure — everyone’s pleasure collectively — is necessary to creating a more peaceful world.

Carla Sanders teaches sexual pleasure and orgasm, and guides women and men on their path of initiation. She believes that sexual expression is your birthright and an infinitely renewable personal power source. She lives in Maine where she swims, dances, stargazes and makes art. Her website is

13 thoughts on “Better orgasms? Isn’t that a first-world problem?

  1. Amy Elliott

    I wonder if we could have a timed event where we all do something pleasurable – devote that space to loving ourselves – and direct the energy towards healing the world’s rage and pain. Anyone else up for that?

    1. DivaCarla Sanders

      Amy, that is a great idea. A friend wrote a blog recently calling for restoration of the Wiccan and Pagan rituals that bring the masculine and feminine power together in erotic embodiment. I know a lot of PW readers do this, not necessarily connected to a tradition. If we follow the planets, the great calendar of our solar system and astrological wheel, we can have 8 of these ceremonies a year, plus 2 a month, and a personal one on every person’s solar return.

      At the bus stop on 42nd street in NYC a few hours ago, two men erupted in a fight, threatening murder. no weapons were drawn, and other people separated the men. I did my best to tap into the erotic energy of the earth and send peace their way. It occured to me to send the energy to the people brave enough to step between the men, as their vibe was a few degrees closer to what I was tapping into. Let’s continue this discussion about what and how. I am curious about the critical mass required. It is an astonishingly small number of people from what I have heard.

  2. LizzyLizzy

    So good to see you here, Carla, at last! :))
    On the way to work this morning I heard Bruce Springsteen and his band rehearsing for their concert tonight, doing his sound check – he’s performing opposite the building where I work – and his wonderful voice filled the air, like pure magic. It’s not sex – but was pretty near it! Lots of cops and soldiers around when I left the building n the early evening . really tight security after Nice – but there was a lovely atmosphere, in spite of this – and loads of young people chilling out, having fun – was the most healing thing I could possibly experience after so many days of horror – yes, life goes on – and you couldn’t have put it better Carla, “Life is the most powerful force against terror”. thank you for bringing this home to me.

    1. DivaCarla Sanders

      Lizzy, are you in, UK? In my opinion Bruce Springsteen’s voice counts as sex!!! How many tens of thousands of people will the venue hold? That’s a critical mass. And Bruce will sing peace. I just spent 3 days in New Jersey which always reminds me of the Boss. You named it well: magic. One way of making magic takes being able to feel our own grief and fear, empathize with all those directly affected, and manage to feel as good as we possibly can in our own bodies and spirits. Feel really bad and feel really good at the same time. Or being about to move between the two and touch the spectrum very quickly. We can consciously join with others and attune our individual pleasure as well.

      1. LizzyLizzy

        The concert was held in one of the most spectacular ancient Roman sites in Rome (where I live), dear Carla – Circo Massimo. There were 60,000 people there – of all generations! I just read a wonderful review of the concert, that completely echoes your words – the subtitle was “Chasing away the demons”. This was so needed – the wonderful Bruce Springsteen gave the most amazing performance as he always has done throughout his long career – he’s always given 200 % of himself when performing live – but this time he gave 300 % of himself. And you’re right, his voice counts as sex! “One way of making magic takes being able to feel our own grief and fear, empathize with all those directly affected, and manage to feel as good as we possibly can in our own bodies and spirits.” yes – thank you for your wise and lovely words. xxx

  3. DivaCarla Sanders

    Ramona, I’ll look up this Amplifield event. I just read through Eric’s Thursday article. In his Mars in Scorpio reading, he mentions a lot that we want to take into account as we consider meditation, or medibation. It seems pretty obvious that if a billion people where consciously and wholeheartedly enjoying sex instead of killing or abusing their neighbor, the word would change. FAST.

    I am on a bus back to Maine, so will ponder this and write more when my computer stops vibrating.

  4. Kelly Grace Smith

    You cannot share – provide – what you do not possess; as physical beings that’s simply not possible, it defies the “physics” of us. And an integral part of being loving and generous and accepting of others…is being capable of providing that for ourselves. And sex, of course is key! Here’s the thing…sexual energy is the gateway to our greatest life force energy, as pointed out above. And that’s the energy of creation. In practical terms, it is sexual energy that opens to the door to the energy of creation…creating a human life, as in the creation of a child….conception.

    But even making love, whether with your Self or with another, is not for the purposes of creating a child, it is still an “act” of creation. It is the creation of more…of you! Healing you, clearing you, expanding or deepening you, connecting you, freeing you.

    We must choose to be creative beings in a time of so much fear, manipulation and violence. And one way we support ourselves to do so…is having an enjoyable, robust sex life. Sex…is loving you. And, the more you love you, the easier it is to love others. Not “be in love with them,” (although that’s wonderful!) but see them, accept them, respect them, value them…no matter who they are.

    We cannot do that unless we possess that ability within ourselves, for ourselves. Sex is an act of creation. A gift of loving ourselves. However, the energy of creation is also a power far beyond sexual energy. That’s where a lot of folks collapse the relationship between the two and you get all kinds of misunderstanding and manipulation via sexual energies, group beliefs & methods w/regards to sex, etc. That’s why invariably, the “guru” is always caught in a sex scandal. Sex is a powerful energy, and as such, like any energy, can be powerfully addictive, too.

    Sex is an exquisite gift that connects us to the power of creation itself. Embrace it, enjoy it, but as with anything of great power…we must explore it with wisdom, maturity and good intention.

    Kelly Grace Smith

    1. DivaCarla Sanders

      Kelly, your words are wise!
      “It is the creation of more…of you! Healing you, clearing you, expanding or deepening you, connecting you, freeing you.” THIS is the power of sexual energy. My Pisces Sun/Scorpio rising self loves the depths of sex and the spiritual and sacred mysteries of sex. My Venus conj Chiron in Aquarius can’t help but direct my interest in sex toward healing the collective. I have to keep reminding myself that sex is first of all personal. It is about the pleasure, feeling and enjoyment of individual people, who often come together to share these pleasures with another. That’s where we experience sex, in our bodies and with other people and their bodies. It is in that basic relationship to body and self that humans become wounded, and where the power and pleasure of sex breaks down. Wisdom, maturity, and good intention must inform the way we teach young people, and one another about sex, erotic skill and pleasure, and the vast power sex gives us … when we are wise, mature, well-intentioned, and respectful of the power.

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