By Amanda Moreno

There is a difference between life as you dream it and life as it is. Sometimes it can be difficult to reconcile that difference, especially when the contrast is stark. Yet, imagination is critical. Our ability to bring the image of what we desire into full detail in our minds is what can help it to actually manifest.

Photo by graywacke/A Landing a Day

Sometimes, however, the difference between life as we dream it is so different from reality that it seems all we can do is shut down. This has been one of those weeks.

I’ve learned over time that when there is a natural disaster with mass casualties it’s best for me not to tune into the news. I feel the shock and trauma pretty viscerally as it is, as it ripples out from the epicenter of the event, around the world. I don’t particularly need an onslaught of media hype and 24/7 shock-and-awe coverage to help me understand that the losses have been extreme. I feel it in increased emotionality, exhaustion and despair.

After the quake in Nepal, I turned my browser to cnn.com just out of curiosity (I never go to CNN for news. Ever.). What I saw was the word “SHATTERED” right above an image of rubble and bodies. I then worked an earth-stabilizing, loving kindness guided meditation into a class I was teaching, made a decision to focus my inner work on the same for the days to come, and decided not to tune in to any more media. And then…Baltimore.

So we currently have volcanic eruptions, a major earthquake, and another outbreak of violent mayhem in America all amid a constant hum of genocide, ecocide and suffering on Earth. I wonder so often how it is that people aren’t just walking around wailing — and I suppose there are some who are.

As this is the first round of catastrophe since my new and improved emotional body has risen to the surface, I’ve been curious about how my empathic self might respond differently this time. What I’ve noticed is not an increase in emotion, as I’d suspected, but that it’s brought me into contact with my own capacity for avoidance, particularly in the form of stuffing (food, drink) and sitting in front of my computer for hours without really knowing what I’m doing there. I’m not paying attention to the news. I’m just avoiding my emotions.

In an attempt to keep this column relevant, I started going through links people had emailed me and links I saw on Facebook in order to try to grasp the core of what’s going on in Baltimore. The effort didn’t last very long, however. It’s not for lack of caring. It’s more due to an intolerance of all of these dualistic perspectives I kept reading. The issues are so complex and yet there it is — right/wrong, good/bad, us/them.

I read something a few weeks ago that discussed the difference between duality and polarity. It said that duality is a mechanism that excludes knowledge of one side from the other. Polarity, on the other hand, or the act of polarizing, invites the individual to consider all sides of the discussion or possibility, therefore incorporating knowledge of both or all into the polarity. As I read articles about citizens defending cops, the misplacement of the use of non-violence, and all kinds of really intelligent and well-written perspectives, I couldn’t help but think that what I was seeing was quite dualistic, even if it meant well.

I also became very much aware of my own privilege. Although I’m predominantly non-white, I grew up in a very privileged community. For the first time in my life, a description of white privilege has made sense to me. That is, that white privilege is what allows one to ignore events in the world that are important or impactful to others. It made me think — and then pay more attention.

It seems like what we really need to be doing right now, or at least what I need to be doing, is listening. And probably allowing myself way more time for tears and anger about the state of the world, but that’s another discussion.

Life as I dream it has seemed so distant lately that I have felt depression for the first time in 15 years or so. Depression in that sense of not feeling connected to the heart, of feeling like I’m spending so much time repressing fear, anger, hate and shame that there is no energy left for anything else. It’s been hard to motivate myself to stand up and do things like laundry, or dressing, or feeding myself — even though that difficulty doesn’t last that long and I can push through it. I think this is at least partially because although I’ve been able to deal with the world situation in the past, that’s been largely due to the fact that my personal life situation has been pretty fabulous, or even just good.

Right now the two are colliding — the world situation feels like it’s getting worse and worse, and my personal life… well, there haven’t been any catastrophes, but it’s been getting increasingly difficult for a while now and I need to make some “adult decisions” about how to move forward. In my dream world, if I just focus on what I love I’ll be able to make it sustainable. I haven’t totally given up on that dream, but am realizing it is feeling further and further as obstacles seem to stack up and overlap in untenable ways.

I just reached over and chose a tarot card for some help determining where to go from here in this column: Seven of Pentacles. Hard work. A return on investments. Having a long-term view and being focused on the sustainability of results. That rings true for me on the personal level as I reevaluate the way I’ve arranged my life and changes I need to make in order to make this alternative relationship/career/living situation thing sustainable. But at the collective level…

Well, I think of the articles I’ve seen that have to do with non-violent protest and its misuses in Baltimore. They are really intelligent discussions. But…non-violence is also what I strive for and what I believe in unapologetically and without reservation. It’s one of my few totally stubborn beliefs.

Imagine what would happen if every human agreed that every life is sacred and therefore worthy of safety, food, water, shelter — and of living without harm? Going deep enough into the context and history of why things are the way they are is a daunting task, but something we have to do in order to change them. How do we address the deep-rooted and entrenched facets of our culture that have led to an institutionalization of violence, militancy, rioting, slavery, hunger, homelessness and inequality? That have led us to think there are ever situations where violence is OK?

I in no way mean to attack anyone’s beliefs, and those sentiments are not meant as accusations. But what are the root issues and how do we heal them?

The drive to protect and to kill, as defense and as a means to providing food and resources, is a deeply embedded remnant of our recent past. It has been pushed down into our unconscious and made ‘bad.’ We ignore it, but it still exists — as psychopathy, as warfare, as abuse and rape, as rioting, as “rough rides.” That urge is essentially exploited and exacerbated by the institutionalized slavery system we call “Capitalism.” We have to figure out how to bring that energy up, acknowledge it and do something constructive with it.

I imagine a time when we can recognize those instincts coming up and then go dance, or shout and yell, or make some art or do some chanting or exercise and use the energy to manifest something in alignment with a vision for a culture that is sustainable. Or hell, have an argument with real live communication and respect. I imagine a time when those instincts can be held and transformed in the container of like-minded communities where those who feel grief for the world are encouraged to express it.

Some would call that idealistic. I just call it realistic. If we keep refusing to listen, to change, to meet the other with compassion for and acknowledgement of suffering, letting go of our own persecutor/victim complexes, we are not going to make it.

There is something in the Seven of Pentacles that also reminds us of the importance of stopping to appreciate the work we’ve done. This is particularly important when frustration arises. So to any and all who feel the world situation in those deep and emotional ways — thank you for feeling, thank you for existing, and thank you for your honesty and for the work you do. It makes a difference. I really do believe we are working towards a worthy goal. It’s just taking a long time to get there.