Have you stopped by the gorgeous, jam-packed site for Cosmophilia: You Belong Here yet? In addition to the extensive audio and written sign readings, we’ve published a full slate of Featured Articles by Planet Waves readers and collaborators that are fully open for everyone to read. Below is the beginning of Madame Zolonga’s tongue-in-cheek “bad advice” astrology column; you can read the rest here. — Amanda P.

By Madame Zolonga

Well-meaning relatives like to give new parents little books for the baby with titles like On The Day You Were Born. You probably have one on your shelf right now.

The title would be more honest if it said The Day You Arrived because it’s clear you don’t come from Earth at all. Yes, it’s true. You don’t belong here at all. And astrology’s here to prove why. Behold, the origins of your alienation revealed!

Aries: It’s like that scene from Blazing Saddles, when the sheriff comes riding into town: there you are on your dandy Appaloosa with your spiffy, new badge, all ready to rope up the bad guys and give your life for the damsels and the demoiselles — but the damned welcoming committee can’t even pronounce your name! Whether your skin is tan, brown or pink, it’s no different. You’re always the stranger in town. Not from around these parts, anyway. It doesn’t help that you secretly always feel like this is your first rodeo and that your brain runs with its engine in the back-end, like a Volkswagen. For you, every day is another ‘birth day’ — it’s fight or flight into the bright, white light.

Taurus: You can’t have it. Whatever it is, it’s not yours. This feeling started early. You weren’t breastfed. Or if you were, and your mother (goddess bless her) tried her best to be a 24-hour milk diner, even the Ephesian Artemis couldn’t match your appetite for more. You still can’t figure out how, on a planet so prodigiously abundant, you landed on a continent called Want. Too often you feel like Adam without a Garden of Eden. You’ve got a hunch it’s because, back home, your Daddy burned it down. Rebuilding your garden, then, is your life’s work. But here be talking snakes. When you master THAT language, you’re back in business, babe.

Gemini: You ARE the information superhighway. If only you could get the rest of the world on board, they’d never need the Internet again. The reason you don’t fit in is lack of telepathy. Not your lack, you see. Theirs. Cell phones? Cable? Routers? Really? It’s like talking to the fuckin’ walls. Why don’t you just pull two steel cans from the recycling bin and string ‘em together? You landed in a backward-assed zone of the Milky Way, for sure. It’s no wonder you prefer monitoring three flat screens and your Twitter feed while you’re on the phone to your sister: it’s the only time you feel you’ve remotely achieved cruising speed.

Read all 12 signs by Madame Zolonga here.