Madame Zolonga’s Astrological Guide to Drinking Your Way Through 2015

Note: If you were wondering what drink goes with this weekend’s Venus-Mars conjunction, be sure to read the entire piece at the Cosmophilia website. — Amanda P.

By Madame Zolonga

It’s 2015, let’s drink to it! Not just New Year’s day, but every day! Just think, if there’s a musical tone and a day for every planet, there ought to be a drink for every planet, too. Mix your planets with some jazzy aspects, and what do you get? Cocktails, my dear!

2015’s Top 5 Astrological Aspects, For Your Drinking Pleasure

The Saturn-Sagittarius Mixer

Saturn entered tropical Sagittarius Christmas Eve, and will give 2015 a distinctly new High Church flavor. Think deep red velveteen pew cushions and eau de Murphy’s Oil lingering in your nostrils. Except for the summer (when Saturn retrogrades into Scorpio for a quick farewell) that old-time religion and bridge club rankings are the prevailing themes.


This first cocktail will get you through the long winter with its warming ginger, and even feel refreshing come autumn. Nothing says “perfected by Saturn” like barrel-aged whisky.

You needn’t buy half-century old Macallan, but don’t pick anything aged less than 30 years for this drink. Now drop your deep-noted, mature Saturnian whiskey into that uplifting Sagittarian ginger zip!


The Presbyterian On The Rocks
— 2 oz Scotch (may substitute bourbon or rye whiskey)
— 2 oz Ginger ale
— 2 oz Club soda

Mix this drink when you know you’re in for a marathon of afternoon negotiations with your brother-in-law, dissertation committee, or elder board. Sip it like a country club worthy who’s conquered the back nine like Cotton Mather took on apostasy. Finding Truth in a glass was never so easy.

The Uranus Square Pluto Break-up Cup

Farewell, uber-couple of the quarter century. Sure it was always a tense relationship, and much like Kanye and Kim, you were the couple we loved to hate, or hated to love. But the conflicts always meant we had at least one story every day on our Facebook wall guaranteed to inflame our mothers. Whether we’ll ever get on with her again is our choice, but at least we all now know how each other really feels about vaccination schedules, drug-testing welfare recipients, and your local Fraternal Order of the Police.

Consider celebrating The End with the traditional Tequila Sunrise cocktail. Tequila will give you that Plutonian depth-charge experience, and the cheery orange juice/grenadine glow will remind you of the Uranian fires of Aries — or the cheery coral-hued blooming mushroom cloud over the beige Nevada landscape. Or perhaps it’s the tarot’s Ten of Swords sunrise on the far horizon, in the desert of your post Uranus-Pluto life. Mix a couple drinks now, and watch that desert finally bloom again!

Continue reading here.

9 thoughts on “Madame Zolonga’s Astrological Guide to Drinking Your Way Through 2015

  1. Jere

    First of all, I’m deep in the pews.. second, 2/3rds cup is shit.. it’ll take a couple gallons over a week to drop a folk stiff. ..And that’s a 25 year cat with diabetes and pancreatitis.

    I actually prefer my decent brews on the warmer side, flavor’s more suitable. (..but, I’m a bum who takes his beer cheap.)

    With Gemini being the open end of that quad, anything can happen.. At least, I think the clothing fits the weather. It’s a fair mutable expression.

    Good Luck All!


    You’re funny as all hell! I Love you dearly!


    1. Cowboyiam

      So you talk to cats – cool!

      I’m sensing someone who see’s what is. Keep coming Jere, you wisdom strikes me as depth.

      Yes – you may be a shallow stoner, but I don’t think so. I think thats an act.

      1. Jere

        “Shallow stoner”,.. Had to toke a couple bowls and ponder that paradox for a few. 😉

        Leo Moon in the 2nd. Hell yeah I talk to cats! Meow is one of my best friends. At least that’s what she tells me her name is.

        Life is always a stage. Live it up. And always, share some loving good vibe.

        Peace and Love,


  2. Len Wallick

    Madame Zolonga: It appears as though you are channeling naughty, knotty Neptune rather adroitly in this piece – your best ever, a keeper. Your fans out here would like to see your photo one day. Don’t be shy.

      1. Len Wallick

        Cowboyjam: i sent my photo to Chelsea last year, but apparently my visage broke a server somewhere and very nearly precipitated an international crisis. As i understand it, my countenance is now used by the CIA to destroy data on hard drives. Guess your could call that my contribution to national security.

  3. Madame Zolonga

    Shy I am not. Usually. However, I’ve yet to find a camera who digs my mug. And, well, there are four layers of permafrost I must dig through to seek such a camera as wouldn’t crack before my eyes.

    We shall see. Spring’s not sprung. Let’s see what comes up.

    [big awkward wink]

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