By Amanda Moreno
Something died in me this week. The death knells were rolling and wrenching and plunged me into all of my fears at once. I was being tossed about inside of them, moving between my bed and the bathroom floor, totally unable to get out of their grip. Purging, releasing, wailing.
Photo by graywacke/A Landing a Day
Was there a catalyst? Of course there was. Was it equal to the response I had? That seems like a pointless question. Regardless, it’s done and integration has begun.
I’ve been fluxing through feelings of being totally disempowered, and like everything is futile. Like the same old patterns have arisen, all the things I thought I was clearing, like I’ll never make any progress and have deluded myself once again. Luckily that phase has passed and I’ve entered a feeling more like emptiness.
The emptiness is acute this time, but it has shifted from feeling like a void to feeling spacious. As my attachment to knowing flows out, the universe flows in. I’m aware I get to create whatever stories I want, and the fear of choosing the wrong ones is feeling more distant, although as I write this it is 3:00 in the morning and the world feels still and at peace, which helps.
My attempts at willing myself into cycles of grace and ease rather than cycles of crisis have been…well, they haven’t really been working. As has been pointed out by several well-meaning souls, I tend to put myself in situations where all of my triggers get pushed, often all at once. Am I pushing myself through triggers at a rapid pace in order to get that shit up and out of the unconscious to be dealt with and healed? Or am I just re-fragmenting myself in heaping doses?
The answers to those questions don’t seem to be relevant to me at this moment in time. I can’t keep trying to make sense of it all. The fact is that I don’t know — and I could probably spin whatever story I want around it.
I’ve been pondering the notions of ‘safety’ and ‘what is safe,’ and at this point every attempt to understand, to qualify, to classify just seems exhausting and unworthy of my time. I just want to let it go.
Very Piscean, no? As that New Moon on the Aquarius-Pisces cusp rocked my South Node, my progressed Moon moved into Pisces and my Venus return [in Pisces] occurred. Although I often refer to Pisces as the ocean of divine love, there is another interpretation that occurs almost as often — not to say they aren’t related. It is one of Pisces as the unqualified realms, where everything just exists. Where the shark stalks and kills its prey because that is what it does, not because it has malicious intent. Where death happens because it is part of the natural cycle, not because someone has to learn a lesson of grief or about graceful transition. It’s about letting go of the concepts and just accepting.
There has been so much floating through my reality this week whispering something about the importance of stepping out in front of our creations at this time. About how thoughts are manifesting quite quickly, and that we need to be honing our skills when it comes to reality-creation. Earlier in the week, I was receiving these whispers as added pressure. I have felt so far from being able to see ‘the truth’ and so unable to get myself out of my fear that I didn’t want to think about my power to create reality, because I sure didn’t want the reality I was thinking of.
And now…again, the feeling of letting go. Of being reborn and having no idea what the future holds, and being OK with it. At least in the moment, and really what else is there but this moment?
I’m sure I’ll get back to the more euphoric tones of my Piscean self at some point, although I really hope to stay clear of the delusional parts of it (please?). But for now, there is something about the feeling of letting things be unqualified, just letting them exist as they are without analysis or understanding or mental-masochism, that is helping me to remember my center, to actually hear through to the core of who I am. Perhaps by remembering my center I’ll be able to begin the work of stepping out in front of my creations? It’s too middle-of-the-night for a pondering of that question, so I think I’ll let things rest for now.
Here’s wishing you a happy Pisces Dream Season. May they be full of whatever you need to bring you to the peace at the center.
Amanda – I appreciate that you have the courage to put your process out there for all to see and to learn from. And this one seemed particularly courageous and particularly healing to me.
I’m sure these privileged peeks into your unfolding story bring more healing than a comment section could ever reflect.
Thank you =]
Rob
Yes, very courageous to share this, and really well written, too. I have been there myself on many occasions, and it can be disheartening. I’m letting go this week, too, just so I can have inner peace.
Like you I am hoping for healing and feeling very empty and useless today. Fear is still lurking about as well. Monkey mind running at full blast and I can’t focus on anything. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Thanks for your honesty.
Amanda, this touches my heart very deeply – it could be about me and my process over the last few years, layer by layer.
I’ve actually wanted to ask for at least a month now if the two PW Amandas are experiencing a synchronicity of transformation somewhat like my own. This question would be prompted by Asteroid Amanda (not my given name but the root of my name) in front of all the personal planet’s pathway of late – particularly since it just not long ago passed over Uranus/South Node (square Pluto) then Eris. She is very much in sync with the Sun/Mars/Venus/Aquarius New Moon line up just passed, as she just shifted into Taurus while they were all shifting signs – and now moving 150 degrees of Saturn (our favorite ‘fear and doubt’ friend).
I don’t know if you follow this asteroid, but it might be interesting in hindsight to look back at it’s trail for your chart over the last month or more.
Hi Mandy —
I have not followed that asteroid (and did not know it existed until now). The past five years or so have held all kinds of transition and growth for me, inner and outer; the initial stages corresponded strongly with the heavy hitters — Saturn, Pluto, Uranus — all transiting sensitive areas of my chart all at once, with all kinds of upheaval around me.
In the last couple years, the shifts have been more internal, more gradual, more about finding my center and my power and healing (I’ve been working consistently with a spiritual counselor for the last…. three? years). My midheaven is still taking an interesting (potentially tricky, potentially creative) and loooong transit, so I’m not sure yet how that will finally unfold and show itself.
Not sure if that answers your questions or not! But although I don’t think Amanda Moreno and I are going through the same things right now, I do often find myself telling her that facets of her writing do resonate with me in one way or another. It has occurred to me that it has been a very, very long time since I have written a “personal essay” for PW (I used to do so every so often). I think that’s partly to do with how much more internal (and maybe subtle?) my process has been lately? That, and I’m on the computer a lot in working for PW; when it times to get creative on my own time, I tend to seek out non-computer outlets. But sometimes I wonder what would emerge on the page if I made up my mind to write something.
🙂
Anyway, I’ll have to check out asteroid Amanda and see what catches my eye in relation to my chart. Thank you for the heads up on that one!
I’ll have to take some time to look a little closer at the asteroid. Thanks for bringing it to my attention! Natally speaking, I have it at 2 degrees Sag, meaning it’s squaring my Mercury exactly. Also meaning it got some Saturnian lovin (er, still is) at the end of my 2 years of Saturn transits (er, still happening). If you feel like sharing what you’ve been noticing, please do email me (amanda@aquarianspirals.com). 🙂
haha — Amanda M, your comment just prompted me to see where 725 Amanda is in my chart. Rather hilariously, it’s in my 1st house, right smack-dab between my Saturn and Mars. I say “hilariously” partly due to its 1st-house placement, and partly because constructively harnessing and making peace between the energies of Saturn and Mars has definitely been a lifelong mission or lesson (ongoing).
Thank you for having the courage to share. The approach to this new moon has been anything but enjoyable. Death and impermanence, my own and others, has been a constant backdrop lately. I feel sometimes I walk into a room and throw a wet blanket on everything with my intensity, but I cannot be anywhere except where I am right now. There has definitely been some tough going.
Thank you for this, dear Amanda. And for these wonderful words “Where the shark stalks and kills its prey because that is what it does, not because it has malicious intent. Where death happens because it is part of the natural cycle, not because someone has to learn a lesson of grief or about graceful transition. It’s about letting go of the concepts and just accepting.” Yes.
I keep thinking I’ve emerged from the dark tunnel into the light, only to find myself plunged into darkness and angst again. But yes, this is a time of processing and healing – that needs time and patience.
I run a temps desk and all of my clients have been slipping away, due to being sold, merging or moving. My desk is in effect, currently dead. I believe in cycles but do know how hard it is to remain positive when you see things dying and dont know what to do. For comfort, and for my nerves I turn to angel cards and bedtime meditation CDs – and Planet waves of course. There has been movement towards a new dawn but I will take my time to find those that are lasting and make my desk strong. Peace and comfort to all during this time of transition.
Trying to figure it all out, just to realize it’s not to be figured out at all, ever, is enough to make me want to crawl out of my skin, bleed, and dissolve into the ground, or the ocean. Which reminds me, yesterday I was watching some Butoh dance videos by Katsura Kan. Butoh is a form of dance which is all about pain, despair, and futility. I sense what you’re going through. Your writing is effective, it’s resonating. Thanks for your service Amanda. Here’s a link to Katsura Kan’s “Time Machine”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkCnv-hZ2PA
Amanda, Thanks for so eloquently describing our human condition right now.
Like all who’ve written in, I’m experiencing the dropping away of solid ground.
I’m relieved to know I’m not losing my mind nor my core identity as much as clarifying my self.
I’m practicing relaxing into the inner and outer changes, despite their real-world and often scary effect on my finances. I’m grateful to you all-us all for having a digital sacred circle where I can enter, let go of defenses and pretenses (dang, thought I got rid of those!) and touch that caring core. –
Note: As a double Cancer I’m very affected by the moon being void of course. Tracking that has made it easier to get out of self-criticism and use the energies as they present, not as I demand.
Thanks to Len for pointing that out.
Dropping away of solid ground – yes!
I wrote some other stuff here, but then deleted it. Putting words to things is getting increasingly complicated and uncomfortable. Here’s to creating glorious new stories…
i dont think its courageous processing its just processing i do this 5 times a day twice on sunday all my life ha What i mean to say is i really liked this ..
that was totally awesome and good writing. impossible not to keep reading it… ha Especially the part about finding center… this is the kind of writing i always thought was possible with astrology i think its so cool… thankyou for showing how its done ha
I’m glad this is resonating for so many of you. Thanks for reading and thanks even more for sharing. love writing in this forum, although it is sometimes strange because the pieces are usually writen several days in advance of when they’re published, and so much changes in that time. It’s sometimes weird to have those snapshots ripple out…
In any case. Strange days, these are. Still enjoying the spaciousness of not knowing. Love to you all!
Fellow Amandas – so glad you got a kick out of discovering that asteroid (sorry for lack of response. Have had to tend to some necessary issues and have been off-line). I appreciate your offer of contact, Amanda M – will be in touch when my current dust settles.
Amanda P – I can completely relate to the Saturn/Mars life work – I have mine in wide opposition, with Amanda sextile Mars.
So well said, Amanda. It does make me feel better to know (” “) I’m not crazy (” “) with all the interstitial travel that’s been going on.