There have definitely been events in the past week or so that beg some questions about spirituality — in the form of religion in particular. This being a column about spirituality, I’ve definitely been begging my own questions about where I am with it all and what I might have to say about more ‘terrorist’ attacks and a world gone mad.
Photo by graywacke/A Landing a Day
But here’s the thing: I’m entirely disconnected from it. For better or worse, I am entirely unengaged with the world stage.
I know I’ve been in this spot before. Hell, I know I’ve written about it here before. I have made choices to largely stay out of world events and politics, although I do my best to tune into events at the local level. I also know that my version of disengagement is still better informed than many people’s version of engagement. This round, however, I am actively choosing not to read or watch.
It is all so far beyond surreal at this point — more attacks? More rhetoric? More crazy, overblown and idiotic responses from conservative America? Paying attention to it grates on every aspect of my being. I’ve hung out with several highly intelligent, heart-centered, genuinely concerned and well-informed friends this week, and when they start talking about Paris or Beirut every alarm goes off in my body. Nails on a chalkboard.
My inner voices — the most grounded, sensible and trustworthy of them – say: don’t listen, don’t go there, it’s all false, don’t fall into it. I see ‘conspiracy’ theories and discussion of it being a false flag event, and the voices say something along the lines of: Duh. But don’t go there. Don’t engage.
I wonder occasionally if that isn’t the sign of dissociation or avoidance. But the thing is — it’s not that the urge is to run away or block it out because it would be too much of a buzz kill or too overwhelming. The urge is to stay clear of what feels to me like a chainmail shroud of lies and deceit. My urge is to hug and love and continue working with people one-on-one and do anything I can to counteract the heavy, grating falsity of it all.
But how can all of that suffering be false? What kind of privilege leads me to ignore and reject in such a way? I know that my work here on this Earth is to hold space for grief, trauma and transformation. I also know that my work here is to anchor love and light. There is a flux between the two within my inner world.
The fact of the matter is that my life feels so good right now. Energy is finally moving, optimism is shining brightly, and things are happening personally and professionally that are exhilarating and affirming. The need to stay planted firmly in that and to be present with it feels like a mandate. But again — what if I’m just avoiding? Or being narcissistic?
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Does that even matter? I’m sure it does in some ways. The intense disconnect between world events and my own existence creates a dissonance, but I’m only intellectually aware of that. I don’t feel the dissonance right now.
The only dissonance I have felt is really in how often I am having the urge to rub people’s backs right between the shoulder blades, softly loving the heart space, telling our wounded, fearful hearts that it’s going to be ok.
This is not always appropriate behavior, given that sometimes the urge is occurring with people I barely know. I’ve taken this past week to just coming out and asking if I can do that when I feel the need to hold that heart space. Someone remarked to me last night that it felt like I was actually massaging their heart. I asked if that was OK and they said it felt amazing. It felt amazing to me, too.
There is so much sadness and suffering and madness in the world. There has been for such a long time. My heart often feels all of it at sometimes blistering and unbearable levels. I’ve also noticed that much of the time, when crisis seems to be amping up in the world at large, my heart can flood with love and hope. Perhaps it’s my own personal balancing act. I don’t know.
What I do know is that the Sun is shining today, and life feels golden and full of potential. I feel un-tethered in time and yet grounded. Perhaps phases like this allow for some stockpiling of love and light so that when the personal cycle turns again, there is something to look back on and something to look forward to. I hope that wherever you are in this process you can take a few moments to breathe and slow it down, finding some solace in the quiet, and finding space to feel a little of whatever it is that makes your heart feel calm or happy.
Thank you for this beautiful, sincere piece, Amanda. I wish you were here to massage my heart! I tend to have the same reaction that you have – as. like you, I absorb everything that’s out there . In fact, your keeping away from the daily barrage of news must also be an instinctive way of protecting yourself, as you are already overwhelmed by it all. This time I’ve been following the news like a moth to a flame though – maybe because me (and my family of origin, in another capital European city) are in the heart of where it’s happening, and because I have refugee friends. However, I feel, like you, that there’s a deeper story going on that we are not being told, and that there’s so much hype and spin and craziness out there. And I also feel, like you, that people are in need of comfort and solace – and the more that we can be light and loving (as well as having a good laugh), the better. I also feel that this beautiful, healing energy you’re feeling is coming up very strongly now, alongside the darkness.
Oh, you’re so welcome. I’m glad it resonated. And I’m happy to send heart hugs through the astral planes. I’m sorry for what you and your loved ones (and everyone else) are going through.
At this point, one of the things I’m noticing is that it seems like the only thing I’m not able to avoid or insulate myself from are mass-casualty natural disasters. I tend to get pretty slammed with those. Just an observation.
In any case, although I do tend to have (undiagnosably) manic parts of my cycle, the current one is such a gift because it is so strong and energetic and is permeating everything I do. It’s kind of incredible. Reminds me of some quote… “If the shadows are getting darker, it’s only because the light is getting brighter.” 🙂
“If the shadows are getting darker, it’s only because the light is getting brighter.” Yes – those are exactly the words I’ve been groping for in this period – thanks for this quote, dear Amanda, and for your kind words and heart hugs! Take good care of yourself. ((())))
opening up to:
namaste
peace
the light of love
centeredness
are what seem most important right now
Yes Amanda, I too have cloistered myself away from the media blitz on the recent atrocities in Paris. I have such porous boundaries (Neptune conjunction Ascendant) and cannot tolerate the pain.
After checking in on loved ones in France, and knowing they are safe, I have focused my mind on the things that bring me peace.
Perhaps this is denial, but I can only hope that having one less stressed person on the planet can counteract some of the pain and suffering that is being broadcast throughout the world.
Hugs and hearts space right back to you. Thank you for the resonance.
Wow Amanda, thank you for sharing your heart and openness about refraining from engaging in the world in a manner that you felt you were obliged to engaged the world in! Who told you that you must engage the world in a political manner? Is Saturn the planet telling you that you have such boundaries? Are we all so conditioned to think that we have to take the world’s problems on through intellectual debatable passions (the masculine energy) without just giving freely the nurturing loving feminine energy? That is what I see, you are giving to the world during this time of need and it is more sane than the masculine energy is. You refuse to be on the warpath, you refuse to sit at the war council, you do not want to debate, you want to provide love and comfort to all, and that is just and good and responsible citizenship (if there is any judgment at all, and I’d rather not judge, really). I have a vision of a few hundred years ago of men and women in the native American village dealing with matters of war and invasion. You are giving your energy how you know how to, in a healing way to the community that needs you. How joyeous!
Dr. Weil, author of Spontaneous Healing, advocated news breaks in the 1990s, back BEFORE news had become hijacked entirely into propaganda machines. Dr. Weil’s position was/is that the bombardment of the media’s ideas was not healthy to your soul.
I worked in the beltway. I even worked with the media in various times in my career but I often followed Dr. Weil’s advice. I had been like Lizzy, a moth, drawn to the media flame, but I would always come out tinged requiring lots of healing balm to decompress from the media fire energy, same thing with the debates on topics by persons who came at it from ego-space. I still work in the policy world and still disengage from those sources. Instead, I have selected sources, mostly academic that I read, and stay completely away from broadcast news sources. I have been this way for 15 years and it has not hurt me or my career, in fact, I think it has kept me sane and healthy.
You don’t need the media to tell you that people are hurting. You have a very special gift. You said, ” I know that my work here on this Earth is to hold space for grief, trauma and transformation. I also know my life here is to anchor love and light.” As you know, you are an empath. You do not need to feel the world’s energies, especially through broadcast media. Working one-on-one allows you to soothe a person’s energy. How fortunate they are to know you. How fortunate they are to be exposed to your healing powers. You know yourself best. I have been reading your columns for a while, and yes, you have been suffering for a while. A lot of personal grief has come your way this past year. But the past months have afforded you some healing time. Bask in the light and joy that finally has bestowed upon you! There are reasons for that (which we know you believe), You, are beginning to heal. And, your healing strength is allowing you to provide healing to others. The last thing you need to do is be drained by negative energy. Don’t go there!
Thank you for sharing your world.
I wish I still lived in Seattle all the time but since I have come to read your and Len’s columns, I wish it even more! Namaste’
Well, Pisces Sun, I’m kinda speechless. Thank you so much for all you’ve offered here, echoing what I know but also providing validation and insight in this specific piece, and in the Planet Waves egregore in general.
I appreciate what you feel, and what you give. We are all tested or else we wouldn’t be human. Thank you for writing your personal struggle which allows us to consider our own. When we face challenges, sometimes we must pause and think, “why am I pursuing this course of action? Is this merely conditioning or an expectation and I am merely feeling compelled to do it but otherwise sense that it is not aligned to who I am or what I am/should be doing?”
I hear from many, “why are you doing this? Who told you that you weren’t good enough? Why do you think you are not worthy of (fill in the blank).” As I grow older, I am at least beginning to be more conscious in my choices, including my lifepath.
Remember the best teachers are really students themselves!
Amanda: Your writing is always so timely and resonating, and this column was no exception! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
Pisces Sun: I had to literally walk away and let your comments sink in for a full day before I could formulate some sort of “thank you” that could convey some semblance of how profound your words affected me.
Between Amanda’s article and your responses, you both have given me quite a gift of clarity and calm that it seems I’ve been waiting and working towards for a lifetime. I can’t thank you enough!
Hey gumbybug! Lovely to see you here again.
Hey Lizzy: Thank you for the warm welcome!