Dear Madame Zolonga: Where’s the champ in my chart?

Dear Madame,

I’m looking for that personal angle that leaves all my competitors in the dust. I mean, no doubts, no contest, no worries. I’m a champ and everyone knows it. Where would I look in my chart for that?

I need your help because sales have gotten really tight again at the office and I’ve got a performance review at the end of the summer. I wanna nail this thing. Problem is, I’m an Aries who doesn’t really dig the fight. Explain to me how this works and, astrologically, what’s got to happen to get me on top.

— Aries Needs An Angle

Dear Angling Aries,

In 1961, an original Mad Man, artist Piero Monzoni, canned 90 tins of Merda de Artista and sold them for about $37 a can. The last one to sell, at Sotheby’s in 2008, went for £97,250.

Mystique, humor, and straight-up indifference to opinion seems to be the key to the success of Merda de Artista, in an age when exploitation still flew under the radar of obvious earnestness. Its later value was purely historical, I suppose.

Which goes to show that if you can sell shit in a tin, and call it art, you can sell anything. (Even if the ‘shit’ turned out to be plaster.) Unless you don’t like the shit you’re selling.

I gotta wonder, are you in the right job? You don’t say what you’re selling or if you’re in sales-team support. Do you actually like your job? Or whatever’s sold there? Apart from anything I’ve got to offer you astrologically, that’s the first question to answer. And probably the toughest because loads of people land in work ill-suited to their true temperament; family pressure, false goals, uncertain paths and survival moves can lead us into strange territory without a map out of the mire.

While you’re thinking about that question, let’s look at the astrology, too. The stereotypical Sun sign Aries digs the fight, right? Which may have you confused. If you think you’re supposed to be that Me-First Aries, you’re no doubt wondering where your mojo went.

Mojo comes from Mars. Mars is your drive, your motivation, your engine. We think Aries is born with drive because Mars is the Aries buddy planet. The Sun is where you want to shine, and how you expect to stand out — or not. If I had your birth chart in front of me, we’d look at your Mars and your Sun first to see if this sales thing is really working against your Mars Mojo and your Sun’s Shine. What are their background signs; where are they trying to work from?

Example: if you’ve got Mars in a sign that demands justice for all, like Libra, the carrot of competition’s not gonna make your lunch. With Mars in Libra, you’ll inwardly gasp at the crude horror of ‘crass’ competition, even if you push yourself straight to the top of the sticker chart as top salesperson of your company’s terrycloth cat diapers. Or whatever. Instead of reveling in your glory, you’ll find yourself staying late to write apology letters to all the ‘losers’ in the office you left behind. So conflicting! Which is why we gotta examine that Mars of yours.

Yet you have extra help this summer, no matter your Mars. You need a personal angle to help you stand out? Look to Lion, I say. Where is the sign of Leo in your chart? Do you know?

Leo is related to the Sun (where we shine), and in this way helps us stand out from its opposite sign, Aquarius — the crowd. This summer two planets — Jupiter and Venus, historically known as ‘the benefics’ — will travel through the sign of Leo, giving even the shyest of wall-hugging flowers chances to get out on the dance floor and shimmy without shame. Double the benefics, double the benefits! Leo is where you can make hay this summer, if only you know how to work it. And that’s where an astrologer can help.

Ultimately, though, you gotta decide if this is the job you want. If it isn’t, an astrologer could help you with that, too. Intrinsic motivation, the kind that really comes from the heart, drives us to the best successes.

Yes, you could win that big bonus, but nearly every ‘successful’ person arrives at a point in their lives where the extrinsic rewards — medals and honors, bonuses and babes — don’t satisfy like they promise. Dignity, self-worth, and big-heartedness; where do those come from? Yep, Leo can help answer that question, too.

Best on your Quest,

– Madame “I Pimp Planets” Zolonga