Cthulian Overlords Debate Earth’s Domination

This is the first of a series of Fe-911 special reports on the Presidential debates here at Planet Waves, where the motto is: “We watch so you don’t have to!!” –fb

Officially, the Silly Season of 2016 — as we in America call the Presidential election campaign — has begun. Last night, much like HBO boxing events, the Republican Party officially offered not one but TWO rounds of debates at Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena: a preliminary round of low-polling candidates like Rick Perry, Carly Fiorina and Lindsay Graham followed by the main event featuring the more highly polled.

Using their earth-given names, these top 10 contenders — anyone with more than 2% polling popularity among Republicans — were: Manhattan billionaire Donald Trump; Florida Governor Jeb Bush; Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker; neurosurgeon Ben Carson; Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee; Texas Senator Ted Cruz; Kentucky Senator Rand Paul; Florida Senator Marco Rubio, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and Ohio Governor John Kasich.

These ten represent the highest polling presidential candidates among Republicans, which I like to call the New Order of Cthulian Leadership vying for the role of Extreme High Overlord of the United States.

FOX News did right this round, deciding ten was the most number of candidates you could cram on one stage at a time. This gave the candidates the opportunity for as much 10-second sound byte, personal attack, Obama-cootie accusation and starting-World-War-III talk that could reasonably be digested by a viewing public. I heard the earlier debate of five candidates was far more substantial, giving actual reasoned responses to questions, though no one was allowed in there to watch.

But this is what you need to know: Mr. Trump was clearly the front-runner, was booed for refusing to rule out a third party run, bragged about his bankruptcies and opted for single payer health care. Neurosurgeon Ben Carson will use water boarding as torture; and Jeb Bush attacked President Obama for his brother’s economic recession.

Ted Cruz will throw out Obamacare with an executive action, and everyone wants to build a dome over the United States, with one entry point: a turnstile with a ticket taker for immigrants to enter at the border. Mike Huckabee plans to invoke the 5th and 14th Amendments of the Constitution to protect the rights and personhood of unborn citizens, and if need be, could invoke the 2nd Amendment for the unborn to stand their ground in the face of imminent threat by birth control.

In other words, coining a new word for the English vocabulary, it was a combination of clash and bluster, which I call blusterfuckery. However, much to the horror of the rest of us, the Republican base loved it. I found after two hours of watching I needed a purifying mud facial to remove the excess of an unidentifiable sheen of an origin I could not comprehend. I swear I did not see any tentacles. And thank God for Jon Stewart, whose finale was on the same night, reminding me that human life does exist on Earth.

Should no winner be declared at the end of the 11 scheduled Republican debates, the top three remaining candidates will compete to the death by gladiatorial combat. This will be broadcast live by Univision.

I will return on Monday with my regular column on actual news.

This entry was posted in Fe-911, Welcome on by .

About Fe Bongolan

Planet Waves writer Fe Bongolan lives in Oakland, California. Her column, "Fe-911," has been featured on Planet Waves since 2008. As an actor and dramaturge, Fe is a core member of Cultural Odyssey's "The Medea Project -- Theater for Incarcerated Women," producing work that empowers the voices of all women in trouble, from ex-offenders, women with HIV-AIDS, to young girls and women at risk. A Planet Waves fan from almost the beginning of Eric's astrology career, Fe is a public sector employee who describes herself as a "mystical public servant." When it comes to art, culture and politics, she loves reading between the lines.

10 thoughts on “Cthulian Overlords Debate Earth’s Domination

  1. Fe Bongolan Post author

    Thanks, Amy.

    I stopped drinking at the 15th utterance of the word “unborn”, having already gone through the popcorn. The Big Cthulu should have consumed all of them with one gulp through its beak.

  2. Geoff Marsh

    The kitchen synchronicity continues unabated. Last Friday at the Full Moon, the Sun was conjunct my natal Pluto and I found my thoughts returning to my adolescence and wondering exactly how Dorothy Provine from TV show The Roaring 20’s had managed so effectively to infiltrate my young mind and capture my culture. Fortunately, there turned out to be a fair bit of astrology to explain it all, which was something of a relief, but yesterday, for some unknown reason, I found myself parodying her most famous hit, dancing round the kitchen singing Don’t Bring Cthulhu.

    1. Fe Bongolan Post author


      Jupiter is opp. my natal Merc and both close to squaring to Saturn. Azathoth, Dagon, Deep Ones, Hastur, Nyarlathotep should not be invoked while close to sharp objects. I wonder, however, how they would look in fringed smocks Dorothy Provine used in her show. Am I tempting fate to even think it?

  3. Geoff Marsh

    I have a feeling there’s a worse fate waiting for those who are tempted to vote for the Donald, Fe.

    According to the good book wiki, the first recorded mention of Azathoth was in a note Lovecraft wrote to himself in 1919 that read simply, “AZATHOTH—hideous name”. That’s the anaretic year preceding the 20s, so the blind idiot god would probably have been prepared for a bit of a shimmy and would have dressed accordingly.

  4. Michael Mayes

    I don’t get why these men don’t just be themselves. By that I mean, be who their families love. I can’t even imagine how far removed some of these men are from their personas. I’m a very forgiving, and understanding of my relatives’ faults. I bet if I had to I could love one of those blusterfuckers.

  5. Barbara Koehler

    A partial explanation as to why Trump is leading in the polls: transiting Ophelia the asteroid is exactly conjunct the U.S. Sibly chart Sun at 13+ Cancer. You know, Ophelia in Shakespeare’s Hamlet? The one who went mad?

    1. Amy Elliott

      Yet there is something very clear-sighted even in her madness, is there not? I sense that she unconsciously understood what was happening around her, was subject to bad luck through the unwitting blunders of her male relations, and yet still tried to behave like a good young lady (for the time). Of course she failed. Hopefully America will soon wake up from this bewildering dream, the cognitive dissonance of docility will just fall away, and the people will hit back at this unstable and obsolete government of the corporations.

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