I did not see this essay by psychologist Amy Wood in time to post it last weekend, but with New Year’s resolutions and fresh starts in the air, it seems like a good fit. I’d be very curious to hear about your own experiences with forgiving and being forgiven, and whether you think her five tips hit the mark. This piece was originally post at Mainetoday.com; the link to “continue reading” will take you there to read the rest (skip the survey). — Amanda P.

By Dr. Amy Wood

Here we are again at the most sentimental time of the year. Encouraged by visions of holiday celebrations with cherished family and friends, we connect in especially thoughtful ways with those we love most. If we’re at odds with anyone special, this convivial spirit prompts us let go of silly grievances and let bygones be bygones.

Amy Wood, Ph.D.

Angry at someone who’s done you wrong? The warmth of the season may melt your hard feelings and allow you to reach out and forgive them.

But what if you’re not in control of the situation? Maybe you want forgiveness from someone who’s upset with you — and they’re not budging. How do you earn back the regard of someone whose esteem you have lost?

These five steps will help you pave the way for pardon:
Make sure you really want forgiveness

Sometimes when someone shuts you out, it’s actually a good thing. So before you proceed, be fairly positive that this other person isn’t an irrational lunatic who thrives on the thrill of fighting or watching you jump through hoops. And be certain that you desire their forgiveness not simply to restore your ego or paint a nice holiday picture, but because you really, truly value this person and are certain that your life is better with them in it.

These five steps will help you pave the way for pardon:

Continue reading here.

Eric is planning to publish the written readings for all 12 signs of Vision Quest, the 2016 annual edition from Planet Waves, by New Year’s Eve (audio readings and rune readings to follow in January). You can still order all 12 signs, which includes all audio, written and musical features, for the value price here. Or choose individual signs of Vision Quest here.

In honor of Venus moving into Scorpio, a sign ruled by Mars, here are excerpts from a pair of articles that reconsider or reframe two facets of sexuality. In the first, Joe Kort, Ph.D., discusses “Why I Am No Longer a Sex-Addiction Therapist” on Psychology Today. In the second, Stanley Siegel, LCSW, explains that, “When It Comes To Sex There is No Difference Between Male and Female Desire” on Psychology Tomorrow.

Venus and Mars by Michael Bergt.

Kort writes:

In the 1980s, addiction models were becoming increasingly popular, and the sex addiction model tagged onto that wave. Twelve-step groups on behavioral addictions were forming everywhere.

The groups, as well as the information, were easily accessible, and clients understood the concept immediately. I became a certified sex addiction therapist, and fully embraced the model until 2010 when I began to see some serious flaws.

Among those flaws are the pathologizing of certain sexual behaviors that, if practiced in safe and consensual ways, can actually enhance a person’s happiness and wellbeing; and also the focus on controlling sexual behavior in a way that puts people at odds with their own sexuality — a battle they are sue to lose, creating inner chaos in the process.

Siegel, in comparing notes with his daughter Alyssa who is also a practicing psychotherapist, writes:

The mind, just as the body, is naturally driven toward self-healing and sex is among its most powerful allies. Desire often grows out of unmet childhood needs or unresolved past conflicts. The longing to satisfy needs or reconcile old conflicts drives men’s sexuality as much as women’s. We all use sex to connect, communicate, negotiate power, give and receive pleasure and remake old relationships. Our desires grow out of our unconscious attempts to work through deep-seated feelings.

During our many conversations with people in and out of the therapy room, my daughter and I have found that sexual fantasies are a human phenomenon. We learned that men’s fantasies are just as deep and complicated as women’s. During the heightened sexuality of adolescence and young adulthood men sexualize the same painful childhood feelings as women, encoding them in fantasies – stories they tell themselves to solve deep issues and conflicts. And by surrounding them with erotic pleasure, men counteract feelings of powerlessness, guilt, shame, rejection, abandonment, inadequacy, loneliness, and insecurity in much the same way as women do.

If you read Len Wallick’s post Friday about Venus in Scorpio being an invitation to extend some love as a way to counteract the proliferation of Martian aggression in the world currently, you know that your expression of love need not be sexual. If, however, you choose that route, know that you are not alone — and you are normal. As Siegel points out, contemporary psychology’s casting of the sexes “in alien roles, with ‘men from Mars’ and ‘women from Venus’” only gets us so far.

As astrology shows us, we all have Venus and Mars somewhere in our charts. What we do to balance them may differ, but ignoring them and what they can teach us is not rally an option.

Illumination comes in many forms and on many topics on Planet Waves. Try our new Reader Level membership here for web access; Illuminate your inbox with our Core Community membership, which includes email delivery, optional SMS service, and more.

Performance artist and filmmaker Michele Beck has turned her camera on her women-only pole dancing class — and herself — as an exploration of the ways women can reclaim their sensual, body-centered sexuality by using a dance form that has long been considered exploitative and misogynistic by many feminists. Removed from the limited context of a strip club, these classes offer a safe space in which to liberate a form of feminine sexual power that has been repressed, cut off, shamed out of existence, misunderstood or misdirected in the lives of many women.

The documentary My Erotic Body is set to be released in 2016. You can watch a brief trailer above, and another short video about the project here (it contains some of the same interview segments with these ‘regular’ women, but also some words from Beck).

Reviewing the project on the Psychology Tomorrow website, Velleda C. Ceccoli, PhD, writes:

Pole dancing and the particular moves that it involves — squatting with open legs, crawling on the floor, swinging and wrapping oneself on the pole — seem to counteract the constrictions that history, society, and culture have imposed on female sexuality. It helps to liberate Woman from the inside. In fact, the classes provide ways of moving that are aimed at helping women to re-experience their bodies within an environment that is about self indulgence, in that it encourages what feels good. For some, this involves re-claiming their sexuality after having children and shedding the idea of motherhood as sexless and/or saint-like. For another, it involves reclaiming aggression as a way to protect oneself and insure that what happened in childhood never happens again. For all the women in the film, there is an element of performance that helps to create the particular erotic creature they become – the clothes, shoes, and other accouterments that they select have a powerful effect on how they embody their erotic.

In the end, this film is about women discovering their bodies and their Eros along with other women, through their validation of desire and sexuality. It is about re-discovering the female body in all of its embodied sexual potential, and needing other women as mentors and co-conspirators on the way to developing a sense of comfort and confidence in being WOMAN.

Perhaps we are still reclaiming the feminist movement.

Note: We’ve featured relationship coach Blair Glaser’s posts about using leadership skills in relationships a few times now (here, and more here). You may find this article applies to all kinds of relationships — including with your animal friends. — Amanda P.

By Blair Glaser

A little while ago I crossed paths with the most gorgeous, good natured, collarless puppy. I named him Brad Pitt-Bull and took him home. He was very friendly and well-behaved for a three-month old pup. Pit Bulls have scary reputations, but this little guy followed me around everywhere, obeyed all my commands, and waited for the chance to shower me with kisses, snuggle in my lap and fall asleep.

Blair Glaser

I talked to my “in the know” dog friends and learned that as a stray, I would have to test him. Good with other people? Check. Good with kids? Check. Good with food? After a few days of puppy love, I gave him a bone to chew on. When I tried to take the bone from him, he growled at me; a fierce, menacing growl. It was shocking and alarming: It was almost a feeling of betrayal. I clumsily tried to re-establish authority but was too startled and rattled by the Jekyll and Hyde-ness of the moment.

After I recovered, I looked into accepting all parts of the dog I was choosing to love, as I would do with a person. After all, he had been starving and probably had to fight for food. Apparently “food aggression,” the name for his condition, could be corrected easily with a little time and effort.

I felt nervous and excited that I was being challenged to step into a new level of leadership and calm authority. But unfortunately, I could not get over the somewhat irrational fear that this little ball of love could hurt me, and might one day be a big (his feet were huge — the vet predicted ninety pounds!) scary canine with a mouth that could kill. As my fear grew, so did his growling, until one episode when I anxiously attempted to train him not to growl, it exploded. The growling and barking got so out of control, I stepped away in fear, and we both lost. I had to admit to myself that I am not and probably would never be the Dog Whisperer. I had found my limit: I could not live with a being I felt physically threatened by.

I felt relieved, but also saddened, so I went to a local music venue to get my mind off of the loss and the nagging sense of failure. I bumped into an acquaintance and her aunt. “You came alone?” she asked, with seeming fascination. “That’s amazing,” she said with admitted envy. “I don’t think I could do that.” While she pondered her limits of social engagement, I felt a little better about my limitations with my new short-lived best friend. Limits — I was reminded– everyone has them.

Limitations can be a blessing, and a tough thing to reckon with, especially in the face of the New Age theory that we have none. Some are easier to detect than others. If I decided today I wanted to be a professional ballet dancer, with my age, body type and physical issues, it wouldn’t happen — even if I could somehow drop my job and train for hours each day, I would never “make it” in a traditional sense. In a more realistic and challenging example, I recently counseled a woman who was struggling with the idea of having a second child, which her husband wanted. After deep contemplation, she acknowledged that at her age, with all the things she wanted to do, and with her hands full with her first born, her energy was limited and she decided to not get pregnant again.

While it can be difficult to acknowledge our own, limitations can be harder to deal with in others — coming up against people’s inability to listen, show-up or meet our needs in some essential way. The great thing about limitations is that they invite us into the true spiritual work of acceptance, and offer us the wonder of working within them. If we weren’t limited, we would not need each other. Understanding and accepting the limitations within yourself and others makes yourself available for connection, and for responsible and healthy living. It requires you to ask for the help you need, encourages you to use discernment in relationships, and prevents you from expecting too much from others and pressuring them to deliver beyond their capacity.

The Limits Test

How do you know the difference between a limit and an edge? An edge is something that you know you need to grow beyond to get to the next level you want to be at, even though you may feel fear and resistance. Sometimes you may feel excited or inspired by your edge, other times not at all, but inevitably, you keep being presented with the opportunity to move beyond it, and something, sometimes simply your discomfort with your comfort zone, propels you to move forward and through it, like it or not. When you have hit a limit — everything inside says no. Can limitations change? Sometimes. If you are short — you will always be. But if you are selfish, there is a chance that you could, with great effort and consistency, move beyond it.

Shop at the Right Store

You wouldn’t go to a liquor store to get butter, and you wouldn’t try to find a fine wine at your supermarket, either. Yet that is exactly what we do in relationships. If you keep feeling frustrated with a friend or partner about a certain behavior they cannot change, perhaps it is time that you acknowledge their limits. The truth may ultimately be that your limit is that you cannot live with their limitation(s). But keep in mind that it is fruitless to think that everyone one of your friends will meet your needs all the time. So get to know who people are and what you can expect from them. With friends, family and lovers, know what they are offering. Appreciate who they really are and celebrate the best in them by accessing what they have to offer.

Limit-Play

Find a concrete limit, such as your height, or a diagnosed physical handicap, such as a heart condition. Explore how the dimensions of this limit aid and hinder you. How does having this limit inform your vision of the world? What would life be like if you had different limitations?

De-personalize

When we are impacted negatively by another’s behavior, it can be important to let others know how their actions affect us. But so often we take our friends’ negligence too personally. Take a step back. Try to distinguish between the passive aggressive behavior we often read into things, and the limits of the person you are reckoning with. Imagine being in their body, with their story, pressures and habits. More often than not, we are dealing with a set of another’s limitations that hook into an old wound of our own, and exacerbate the feeling of discord. You may never be comfortable with another’s limits, but once you are aware of them, you can take responsibility for your reaction to them.

Community of Talented, Limited Beings

Open your eyes to how everyone’s talents and limitations create a sense of community. As a former city-girl who just became a homeowner, let’s just say that the scope of my knowledge and skill in home repair / improvement is vastly limited. I have a team of people I have collected to provide me with advice and service. Likewise, when those same people complain to me of their stressed personal relations, I have something to offer.

And remember, Love Yourself no matter what.

You can find out more information about Blair Glaser and her work at her website, www.blairglaser.com

Don’t let the word “change” scare you; Planet Waves just helps you find your flow. Dive in with a new Reader Level membership (tell your friends about it!), or a Core Community membership.

With the Sun in Scorpio, attention turns to themes of sex and sexuality (though on Planet Waves, these conversations have a home no matter what time of year it is). But one facet of sex and our sexual organs that people rarely want to talk about is the potential (and reality) of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Zoe Lignon

One of my colleagues sent me this article by Zoe Ligon a while back: “What I decided to do when the guy I was dating told me he had herpes.” I’m featuring it this weekend because I’d like to hear people’s responses to her thought process.

I really appreciate Ligon’s measured, thoughtful way in which she considered the information a would-be partner revealed to her before they even met: that he has been living with (and treating) genital herpes since his teens. Ligon herself has oral herpes, and she comes to some interesting conclusions about their equivalence.

On the one hand, her educated, pragmatic approach is eye opening, empathetic and grounded. On the other hand, there may be an opposing argument to be made to some of her decisions, or to the way she frames them. Or, perhaps more accurately, I am left with more questions.

For example, Ligon asks, “We don’t make a big deal about cold sores, so why is the same type of sore such a big deal once it hits below the belt?” It’s an astute observation. One could also ask whether we should all be more concerned about cold sores (lord knows my mother was zealous in telling me not to share drinking cups with others), and how to keep each other healthy. Or is the stigma around our genitals and sex the bigger problem — one based in shame and religious morality, rather than in biological reality?

Is there a universal standard for the ethics around STI disclosure? For example, most people who’ve had five or more sexual partners have been exposed to herpes in their lives without knowing it. So if you know you have been exposed, but you do not know for sure if you’re infected, is it necessary to disclose your exposure? (It can take many weeks or months for antibodies to show up, so early testing is not necessarily useful.) Or does that decision come down to a question of how responsible you feel around the unknown — or with guilt, or denial, or fear?

Please read Ligon’s essay in full here — and then comment below.

— Amanda P.

Clementine Morrigan, a self-described “queer femme sober-addict witch, writer and artist,” has written a blog post on dealing with jealousy in a polyamorous situation from the perspective of someone experiencing life with complex PTSD — a post I think should be common reading for anyone writing about polyamory.

Clementine Morrigan

I say this because, as Morrigan points out in the piece — called, Can Crazy People Be Poly? On Polyamory and Madness — that mainstream poly writers do not address this matrix:

I long for resources and discussion on polyamory that include mental health issues. I want to talk about how polyamory intersects with trauma and madness. I want to talk about c-ptsd panic attacks and jealousy, hyper-vigilance and fear of abandonment, depression and your partner’s other partners. I would like to imagine a polyamory that makes space for this, partners and metamours who make space for this, community that makes space for this. I want to imagine a polyamory that honours interdependence instead of the neoliberal idea that everyone is only responsible for themselves and their own feelings. I want to dismantle the idea that asking for what we need is shameful.

Morrigan did not enter into her current relationship — which began as poly, with mutual desire and agreement — without experience in non-monogamy. The difference this time was that an abusive relationship in the interim had left c-PTSD in its wake. Most of the writing on polyamory stresses sitting with one’s jealousy and insecurity along the way to practicing compersion.

But does that work if you’re prone to panic attacks? As in, what if — even though the other philosophies central to polyamory fit you like a glove — all the standard guidance to deal with and take ‘responsibility’ for your jealousy simply make your mental health worse in very real, clinical ways?

You can read Morrigan’s full piece here; I’d love to read your comments below.

— Amanda P.