By Madame Zolonga

From Madame Zolonga’s Guide to Failing with Astrology

Welcome! And hey, here we are with the annual Super Duper Guru Full Moon. This may be a new term to you, so I’ll explain.

Humans have a tradition of naming Full Moons things like the Wolf Moon, or the Beaver Moon. This names made great sense when we still needed a Full Moon to see what the critters were up to on electricity-free night.

However, modern humans have failed to translate this tradition to our contemporary lifestyle. Except for every August when everybody’s Facebook feed flips out with journalists discovering Richard Nolle’s Supermoon, we have no modern equivalents.

This needs to change.

Changeability is Gemini’s grace note, and because this Full Moon’s in Gemini, let’s change something. Let’s name this henceforth the Super Duper Guru Full Moon. They may call it a Gemini Moon, but that’s not the whole story. This baby is always about Sagittarius, and Sagittarius is always Super-Duper. Let me explain.

Sagittarius is a sign of Big Things. It’s always SUPER. You can’t make mini-size Sag. Sagittarius is also the sign most associated with gurus. Sag represents that place in all of us that has something to tell others, something to teach.

Except we don’t use the word “teacher” because teachers never make any money. We say we’re “gurus” because guru sounds exotic. Gurus aren’t from around here; they might know something we don’t. We give them money and they might tell us.

Now listen up. The key to being a successful guru is plausible deniability. That’s it. Write that down.

On second thought, don’t.

Plausible deniability totally works, and here’s why. God is so very far away, and His voicemail is so very very full, so until He responds directly, who’s to say? Gurus, that who.

Astrology supports this, clearly. Here’s Super-Duper Sagittarius, standing in for God, and there’s Gemini across the way being the Message. What’s the message? Well, Gemini, the twins, are two. Two sides to every tale. That’s your first clue.

But why stop at two? Let’s count: two heads, 20 fingers, four arms, four legs, two penii, two feet and 20 toes = 54. Gemini is much more complicated that the books ever dare tell you. And so is the Message.

This is why the ancient Arabic astrologers always ended their pronouncements, insha’allah. If God wills… Plausible deniability, man. They knew how to do it. Stick with Al Biruni and you’ll do well.

Now to our Full Moon horoscopes. The Super-Duper Guru Moon features a fine link this year from Mercury in Sagittarius to Chiron in Pisces. Gurus LOVE Chiron. Chiron is that owie in our lives that needs treatment. And Gurus need owies to treat like ER surgeons need knife wounds to suture. They’d simply be out of work without them.

Your job as a Super-Duper Guru is to identify that owie in yourself right now, and apply it equally to every one you know. This allows you to authentically represent your transparent self-awareness and efficiently distribute your Messages to the masses. Chiron in Pisces is always a little bit clueless about what the real problem is, so you’re here to spread the word. Always with all the humility inherent in the caveat, insha’allah.

Aries: Tell everyone they suffer from Foot in Mouth syndrome. This lunation is the perfect time to discover this truth because you know they want to “get caught”. Some people say it’s a case of wanting to put God in the dock, and proving Him wrong, but really, it’s just our own secret bondage fantasy.

Taurus: Sensual Taurus, people don’t know which way their “investments” flow right now. Experimentation with exotic or foreign elements? Bi-sexuality could be a clue. The crux of the problem is this: when friends and business associates become lovers, where does that leave you? The answer — at their place, and keep the whole affair off your own lawn.

Gemini: When life hands you feelings, make Feeling-ade. Feeling-ade is a special cocktail that sends you to Jupiter after one glass. Or at least Orlando. People think you’re a basket case of ADHD, but when it comes to money, you’re canny as a canary in a coal mine. Feelings make us uncomfortable. And when people hurt, they need to forget with Feeling-ade. Go sell it.

Cancer: Everyone has a superpower. Yours is bi-location. Your pitch: Do you feel unsafe? Unable to escape the whispers in your ear at night? Transport your mind to a land far far away — through your own patented herbal remedy for anxiety and related symptoms! Ayahausca, 80 proof yak’s milk, or anything with a funny name, fermented, or pharmacological is your therapeutic milieu.

Leo: This time of year glows for you: now you can really connect with your audience base. Call them “friends,” but you know otherwise. Assume your audience doesn’t feel so young anymore and worry they’ll never get laid again. Flirt. Be playful. Tell them they’re pretty or handsome. You’re not lying, you’re performing. You might even prove one of them wrong tonight (wink wink).

Virgo: People mistake you for the dutiful church secretary or the PR hack. They’re so wrong. You come from people with Big Visions. You’re genetically wired for instability, which is why you excel at propping up fallen pastors, or helping NASA engineers find their asses. Remember your roots: you’re a natural guru because you can sell a message. This Full Moon, encourage folks to share all their pet theories. Don’t leave them bottled up. That would affect their nerves.

Libra: You are so full of big ideas! You just need a scribe to dictate them to. Where can you get a scribe? The problem is, and always has been, getting good help. People are so flakey these days. Showing up on time? Remembering to bring a pen? ISO quality control standards and competent physicians are your new platforms.

Scorpio: People peg you as the sex expert, but their wrong. Currency is always on your mind. You specialize in extracting money from foreign banks. Or just foreigners. Your secret is the ancient wisdom of keeping friends close but enemies closer. And duplicate account books. The sympathy appeal is your sick kid. Or your terrible childhood. It’s a quiet but effective drama.

Sagittarius: HEY. It’s all about YOU, babe. You are the G-U-R-U. The home front’s been kind of wobbly for a while now, so you’re really crack-a-lackin’ to talk it UP to folks. Remind them that we come naked into the world, and depart in only slightly better clothes. What can they leave behind? To you?

Capricorn: You’re a stealth guru. You don’t even know you’re doing God’s work. You don’t even know what you’re saying. You should get two, or better, 54 jobs. It’s important to have multiple platforms because lately you’ve been working with multiple personalities. And multiple income streams. Tell people to diversify and keep the faith. Just look at you!

Aquarius: We all know who’s the guru of your cohort. The problem is you have to keep tap dancing with silly stories and slapstick routines just to keep their attention. They’re fickle flirts, but by god, they keep coming back for more! Tell ’em that even fish have to eat, and if they hand over a buck or two, you’ve got a new joke on the line.

Pisces: You’re more mystic than guru, but with Sag at the top your chart, you can’t get away from that mantle. So play it up. Ambiguity has always been your thing, so this isn’t a problem. These days you may feel like an old TV set with a bulb about to go: Use the soft focus and dim lighting to enhance your dramatic mystique.

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