PHOENIX, AZ (AP) — In an emergency session Saturday night, the state legislature adopted a new law requiring men to obtain medical approval prior to ejaculation. All men would need to collect the signatures of two doctors prior to ejaculating, demonstrating that there is a “reproductive necessity” to the event — specifically, a human egg awaiting the sperm.
A human ovum is now required for all ejaculations in Arizona. Is this the beginning of an anti-ejaculation trend?
Gov. Jan Brewer is expected to sign the bill into law this week. In the United States in 2014 alone, 468 laws were introduced attempting to regulate the female body. This is the first time a state legislature attempted a law regulating the male body.
“Every sperm is sacred,” said State Senator Otto Spunk (R, Bisbee). “Life begins at ejaculation. This is clear from the Bible, from when God punished Onan for spilling his seed on the ground. We will have none of that in Arizona. It is nothing less than murder to have living spermatozoa burning up in the desert heat.”
“Everyone can see that sperm are alive,” said State Rep. Nancy Christian (R, Sedona). “Ejaculation without conception stops a swimming tail. In fact, quite a few of them.”
According to the law, called the Sperm Conservation Amendment, which was included in a new draconian anti-immigration law, ejaculation must be required for reproduction. Any man who wants to ejaculate must produce proof of an ovulating female as his receptacle, or he will be denied permission.
This precludes the possibility of ejaculation using birth control, masturbation or through some kind of homosexual act. Blow jobs would also be forbidden, and are specifically punishable by a year in prison. Use of a condom could get a person a year in the slammer, and mere possession of a condom will be considered a misdemeanor.
“Blow jobs are a form of cannibalism,” said the Rev. Milton Smith, the medical consultant to the legislature. “It’s like swallowing 300 million people, more than the population of the United States.”
Around the country, men were outraged by the new law. The National Organization for the Organizing of Men (NOOM) issued a statement which read, “It’s a man’s right to ejaculate anytime he wants, anywhere he wants, for whatever reason he wants. The government cannot say this is for reproduction only.”
At press time, NOOM was organizing a pro-ejaculatory rights protest outside the State House. At the organization’s headquarters Sunday, men were making picket signs that read, “A SPERM IS NOT A BABY,” “GOD INVENTED EJACULATION” AND “KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF MY SPOOGE.”
I’m not at all convinced legislators could bring themselves to draw up a bill with the word ‘ejaculation’ in it.
This is VERY creepy… I mean, this takes creepy to a whole new level — we are living in REALLY bizarre times. Who is voting for these strange people and allowing them to slime their way into our legislative houses?
This is a hoax right? I found myself laughing out load so I sure hope so…
Btw, does this apply to wet dreams?
whoa! Laughing out LOUD is what I meant……. I love that typo though! 😀
I love that a reverend is the medical consultant to the legislature.
Thank you Eric! What a great way to underline the absurdity of the right wing attack on female sexual health.
I just made an assumption this was Eric’s writing – apologies to the real writer if it is not!
Brilliant! Casts a very bright light upon the sorts of negatives & limitations we women have faced for years – & the consequent shadows aren’t pretty. Good work!
This certainly couldn’t happen in Michigan where Rep. Lisa Brown was ejected (not ejaculated) from the State House floor for saying “vagina.” Fellow Dem Rep. Barb Byrum was also banned from speaking on the House floor because she said “vasectomies” when trying to introduce an amendment to a restrictive abortion bill to ban vasectomies except to save a man’s life. Then again, with maybe it would be okay to say “penis” and “ejaculation” since men like to talk about, even name and nickname, such things.
Just days after the silencing, Lisa Brown read “The Vagina Monologues” on the steps of the State House. That was over two years ago, in June of 2012. (What was the astrology of mid-June, 2012?) I’m not so sure this posted article is such a spoof, except in couldn’t happen in Arizona. Or Michigan.
JannKinz
i would have thought the manufactures of erectile dysfunction drugs such as Cialis and Viagra would have had better lobbyist in action. Certainly this will come as a “blow” to their bottom line. Im disappointed because this is one time large pharmaceutical could have actually served the people.
I just ate 300.000 of my own offspring! I guess I’m really Hannibal the Cannibal…
Every sperm is sacred.
Hilarious, absurd, and scary, all at once. Because the double standard endures,
And it’s not the sperm that’s revered, but the pleasure that’s feared.
OMG! Your county is run by sociopaths! This is ridiculuolous!
So if a woman falls pregnant, does that mean they will ask her for proof that her partner that impregnated her had to produce signed documents allowing him to ejaculate inside of her and then check to to see if the dates corresponded to the time of conception?!?!
And if they don’t produce a document, what happens then? Are they charged???
I can’t understand how the people are not outraged and demanding the right to free expression, you cannot control when people will make love, or choose to have sex.
I’m sorry, but this sounds like a hoax? Is it for real?
This is a scam for making more business for the medical profession and control of the people!
Please speak up collectively to protect the freedom that your country apparently represents!
I am in complete disbelief!
Come on… you’re pulling my leg, right? Two signatures from doctors! Let’s get real.
No disclaimer? Hoping this goes viral I guess? Like war of the worlds it could be hard to reign in once too many people buy it.
I never put disclaimers on satire. You lose the whole psychological effect of readers stopping to question whether it’s true.
Gee, and all the while I have been questioning if extremist followers of Islam can thwart progress.
It really IS a Sign o’ the Times when something this absurd (even in our current patriarchy) has such a glimmer of possibility within it that we have to question if it’s real or not! You did something similar a few years back about kids asthma inhalers, Eric, and I ended up having to apologize for my tizzy fit because it was no stretch for me to believe. We live in a period when this kind of BS is so close to ‘possible’ we aren’t all that surprised when similar happens {{{sigh}}}
The asthma inhalers was from the Yes Lab, a project of The Yes Men.
http://planetwaves.net/astrologynews/484934999.html
Well, what can I say but… http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk
This is insane. Doesn’t seem real, more like a sci-fi portrait of a very messed up world.
That Monty Python bit just gets better very time I see it
Just the choreography…man. I cannot even believe somebody can pull together something this amazing. It rivals HMS Pinafore for the best British comedy.
I somehow missed this when it was published. Just read it now, and I’m still laughing. Happy Fucking Birthday to me! Brilliant satire.
A few things to help put this in perspective for those of you fortunate to not live in Arizona:
The Koch Brothers just got the election results they paid for in the form of their governor-elect, Doug Ducey. He’s even scarier than Gov. Jan “Otis” Brewer, who is scary enough all by her lonesome. The state’s power elite have been trying for a theocracy for some time now. They haven’t got that baby … yet. We’ll have to see what ol’ Doug “Cold Stone Creamery” Ducey has up the sleeve his organized crime background paid for: http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2014/10/special_report_doug_ducey_hails_from_an_infamous_ohio_organized-crime_famil.php?page=4.
Partly due to Gov. Brewer & her red legislative tide, I’ve coined the phrase “reality as satire.”
Earlier this year, the legislature passed a law legalizing discrimination against queer (I have reasons I use that word) people. Gov. Brewer vetoed it. I suspect Ducey wouldn’t have.
Ever read Margaret Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale”? The above satire and my ongoing Arizona experience of reality as satire smack of the tale the handmaid tells.
The giggles are still rising out of me, a kind of release valve for fear and stress.
(Tangentially, I might have to re-read Atwood’s MaddAddam trilogy again. I highly recommend it for those of you unfamiliar with it. Of course, you could always wait for HBO to make it into a series called “MaddAddam.” It’s still in the pre-production phases. I recommend reading the trilogy, though. It’s a masterpiece of speculative fiction only Atwood could write. She’s a Scorpio. Definitely not boring reading.)
Brewer & her neo-cons have already widened the existent racial divides into chasms with their SB 1070 law, otherwise known as “Papers, Please.” There is a kind of apartheid here, and racism is a force to be grappled with moment by moment, internally and externally, especially if you’re one to challenge bullshit systems like apartheid.
This reads to me as yes, satire, but also as a piece of speculative fiction if we who are opposed to theocracy don’t continue to organize. We’re not as far away from living the above satire as we might like to think.
Thanks for the laughs, Eric. Reading quality satire feels good. So does laughter.