In addition to the extensive Cosmophilia audio and written sign readings, we’ve published a full slate of Featured Articles by Planet Waves collaborators that are fully open for everyone to read. Here is the beginning of Rob Moore’s piece about some of his most transformative experiences — including a bout with illness that completely changed his life, and the unique manifestation of his inner guidance. Read the full piece at Cosmophilia. — Amanda P.
Discovering I belong here. Including the part I had overlooked.
by Rob Moore
As I strapped on that masterful studded leather belt, I knew I was headed for yet another transformative experience. I was discovering the power of extending my intentions to all that accompanied me on my journeys. That dark pit sex club was no exception and I now sought a more expansive experience.
What I wasn’t imagining was that I might not strap on that leather gear again anytime in the foreseeable future.
Self-portrait by Rob Moore
You see, for decades I had been deeply unhappy with a career that veered off course and landed me at a computer designing Mickey Mouse t-shirts. I tried numerous ventures to get my life on track but nothing would budge. I knew I did not belong there. But I couldn’t find that doorway to freedom to save my life.
Or at least not my colon. After holding my unhappiness down for so long, Mickey finally gnawed a hole in me. A prolonged struggle with ulcerative colitis ended with the removal of my large intestines in 2011.
Prior to that time I walked into every club half naked. Now an external colostomy bag mars those once-flawless abs. Overcoming this physical abnormality has proven the biggest obstacle of my life.
Years of being ill kept physical intimacy out of the picture. I tried to leave it that way and just focus on other ambitions. The fibers of my being, however, wouldn’t have it. Sex is a vital part of the picture for me. And not just any sex, either.
Thank you, Rob, for such a powerful and profound article. You achieved something I’ve rarely seen on these pages (as fascinating and helpful as I’ve found them to be): You brought in the spiritual (not religious — spiritual) component of your sexuality — how it’s been experienced and expressed to date, and what you’ve learned from those experiences so far. You clearly have heard from, and listened to, your guides (who, when they truly are high-level guides like yours, do not judge our sexual identities or particular needs but, rather, give us honest input and direction).
Whether or not you ever discover where you “belong” in this particular life, I suspect you will become a regular source of wisdom, comfort, and mentoring to other explorers and seekers — regardless of their sexual identification/needs/interests. I salute you.
I really appreciate your supportive comments, Carol. It has indeed been a house of mirrors finding my place and my answers. I am glad to say, though, that much has started clicking in recent times, thanks in no small part to Eric and this community.
Again, sooooo good to receive your feedback =]
Rob
Rob, this is a wonderful piece. Thank you for sharing your experience with Spirit Guides, especially “This is as good as it gets,” which is an invitation to find out for yourself what they meant. I also appreciate what you wrote about your illness and your colostomy. My adult son has had UC for over 20 years, since childhood. Though he doesn’t talk much to me about it any more, I know from observation that his illness impacts his feelings about confidence and being desirable in his sexuality. If you ever cared to write more of that story, it would help a lot of people.
DivaCarla – It’s a very nice feeling to have my guide experiences embraced, so I appreciate your comments here. It has been a topic that those around me were closed to discussing for many years.
Likewise, ulcerative coltis is an illusive and perplexing state of affairs, particularly since there is no cure and very little is done for us. Years before the surgery, my confidence and self image were indeed impacted in all ways, not just sexual. I hope your son is finding peace with his situation. And to your point, I welcome inquiries from anyone on this matter. Please contact me via http://r0b1.com
This beautifully moving article is so timely, Rob.
Yesterday, I wrote a long letter to my man, a friend from 22 years ago, whom I hadn’t seen for 16 yrs, when we met a year ago, and almost instantly fell in love. The attraction is still very strong for me, but then two months ago, my partner started to withdraw, was not in the mood for sex, and only ever had sex if I instigated it, and really just gave the bare minimum, while accepting all the love and pleasure I gave. Although, he has been going through a ‘nesting’ period, bringing in new furniture and doing some small renovations for our home, for the both of us, making me feel more grounded and that I belong there.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, wondering if there was something that I had said or done or not done to have caused this withdrawal, but he says that it’s his own stuff and that he does love me. I’ve let him know that his love and our sex life is so important to me that I feel like I’m missing him, when he is right beside me. It seems like he understands, yet nothing has changed.
So I wrote to him telling him how much I loved him, how beautiful he is and all the things I loved and admired about him, and how I was looking forward to a journey of exploration with him, exploring what makes me happy and blissful, while learning about what pleasures him, because for me, sex is the highest form of love. I got home and immediately put my letter on his bedstand, thinking he would read it today when I was at work.
I hadn’t noticed what he was watching, but it was a porno, and he was watching it with one of his workers, and when I got home with mum, who immediately started watching it with them, I went into emotional overload, and became embarrassed. My face was red with shame & I had to leave the house. I texted my man and told him I felt shy about watching a porno with my mum and left. I blushed all the way to my friends house.
When I got home, he had read my letter and I felt like an idiot, declaring my love, and willingness to surrender to exploring our sexuality, yet becoming all prudish when the porno was on! I left for work so early this morning because I couldn’t face him and felt like such a fool.
I’ve been perplexed ever since, trying to figure out what made me feel so uncomfortable, and I think that like you, I’ve been attracted to the darker aspects of sex, but couldn’t connect with my own beliefs, some of which are of the sacredness of sex.
Your article has actually helped me to see that it’s all sacred, and spirit/our guides/our higher selves want us to explore till we find what is right and true or authentic for us. As powerful and as compelling as our fantasies are, the reality can be a disappointment or a bit of a let down. The other aspects of love, that are not sexual, such as nurturing, support, encouragement, acceptance, allow us to thrive too. I’ll be meditating today on learning more about my own sexuality, blocks and fears, that have brought me to this point, and to this article, to begin the healing process.
Thank you, Rob,
Peace and love
Leilani – It is very good to know that some of my experiences have shown up at time when they could be a help to you. Thank you for sharing this. As you point out, at the end of the day – no matter how much “foresight” might be on offer – it has always been me out there actually living things out and learning by doing… something I learned in 4-H in the third grade.
And from what you relate here, that is exactly what I see you doing. So hooray for you. Please continue. Another of my big life repeat patterns: no matter how odd or foggy things can look from time to time, following where my heart insists is the way thus far has indeed been the way.
Sending good vibes – Rob
btw Rob and others reading: there are several wonderful comments on the version of this article at the Cosmophilia website, also. I’m afraid I don’t have time to transfer them all here (I was out sick yesterday), but anyone wishing to read them can click the links above to the version of this article on the Cosmo site.
Anybody can read the articles there — just know that to comment there, you’ll have to register specifically for that site. And there’s usually some lag time between when you submit a comment there as a new participant and when it shows up, since we have to manually approve the first comment from a new registrant.
I’m thrilled to see the reception this piece is getting!
🙂
Thanks for the heads up, Amanda. Wow, who knew? I’m blown. (As in away.)
I appreciate all the wonderful feedback I’ve gotten here so I do wish to extend a hearty thanks to everyone while I’m typing in this comment universe. OK, so now I will get caught up to speed over at the Cosmophilia universe =] Rob
Great article! Very inspirational. We all walk our own path and can be enlightened in the strangest of ways.
Cheers Amanda! Was wondering… and worried that Rob wouldn’t get to see my comment. Hope you’re feeling loads better.