By Amanda Moreno
I’ve had a fascination with the idea of ‘soul mates’ for a very long time. The idea of that one, fated, true love who would finally complete me was implanted early on, most likely first through 80’s bubble gum pop, and then solidified through my encounters with the musicals The Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables.
Photo by graywacke/A Landing a Day
To say that our culture romanticizes the idea of soul mates is an understatement. I suppose there is nothing wrong, at least at some levels, with searching for The One — to each their own.
But the ways in which it has been romanticized in that you-complete-me-I-will-die-without-you kind of way is insidious and destructive, especially because it is one model of relating being put forth as the ideal for everyone. It also encourages us to locate self worth in external sources rather than from within. The level of codependency that results from obtaining self-worth from without is problematic.
But it sounds so good, right?! The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet and co-suicide; or the image of an old couple who die one right after the other, of a broken heart, or because they’re so linked that one could not exist without the other.
I remember reading Wuthering Heights when I was 17. I only read the first half and declared it my favorite book of all time. How could I not, with passages such as this: “He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” And:
My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I’m well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He’s always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.
My teenage self (and my 4th house Scorpio Moon and 8th house Venus in Pisces) didn’t stand a chance — I knew that I wanted that kind of fated connection. I wanted to find my other half. I wanted to lose myself in someone and to have some torrid, long-term, angsty, passionate love affair with my soul mate. There is such incredible poetry in that kind of connection, and maybe even sometimes longevity and stability. Unfortunately, the stories I was drawn to also often carried the theme of unrequited love and triangulation, with which I identified in the role of the mistress/other.
Somewhere in my twenties, it all began to shift — very, very slowly. Cultural conditioning, particularly around relationship norms, runs so deep. I started to recognize the face of my soul mate in more than one person, and increasingly in myself. I started to open to the notion that perhaps we have more than one ‘soul mate,’ and that we’ve been traveling with many souls over many lifetimes, working out all kinds of different things.
I realized that nurturing those connections and remaining open to them was a higher priority for me than choosing one person to be with for life before I’ve even met the rest. Learning through relationship is part of my spiritual path, and I began to shun what I’d been told they’re supposed to look like. I started to realize I could really only decide on the qualities of relationship that are important to me rather than the concrete ways the relationships might look.
This all blended nicely with my introduction to non-monogamy, which I saw as a way to honor connections that came into my life in whatever way they need to show up. When I feel that zap of erotic recognition with someone, which happens fairly rarely, I want to be able to explore what’s there.
I’ve also come to recognize that that zap doesn’t necessarily indicate long-term, passionate intimacy. It jolts me in order to help me recognize someone with whom I have some kind of contract; I have to remain open to the fact that I don’t know what that contract is or how long it will take for that contract to be fulfilled or worked out — a week, months, years. Nor do I know if we’ll both be in a place in our lives to commit to the work, therefore leaving it to another time. Remaining open to these mysteries while being authentically in touch with my needs has proven to be a very tricky endeavor.
In his Pluto books, Jeff Green talks about different kinds of bonds: Karma Mates, Soul Mates, Same Soul, and Twin Souls. Lo and behold, I recognized a whole lot of karma-matey relationships, which Green characterizes as “two people who have had past-life connections and experiences that are not finished or resolved.” With this category, it’s important to remember that karma is not necessarily a negative thing.
Contrast that with Soul Mates, which in Green’s framework are “two people who have independently acted on their desires to embrace a spiritual or transcendent reality, and the real purpose of the union with one another is to continue their individual spiritual development because of and through the relationship.” Now that sounds lovely. And requires a high level of discernment.
As my understanding of soul mates and relationship evolves, I’m coming to understand just how deeply my conditioning runs. It can be so difficult not to romanticize tumultuous, passionate encounters. It is also pretty horrendously difficult to confront the ways that I believe ownership and possession are part of a healthy bond — more facets of relationships that have been romanticized as natural and healthy.
Something I’ve also realized, however, is that sometimes passion in that carnal, I-want-to-throw-you-up-against-a-wall, can’t-stop-fucking kind of way is actually a way of avoiding intimacy. Sometimes passion comes from developing a container with another person over time, creating space for vulnerability to unfold. Erotic energy is not simply a sexual energy, it is the energy of community-building and friendship as well. It is the container that occurs between therapist and client or teacher and student that allows transformation to happen.
Someone once told me that my genius lies in understanding the complexities of the human heart. It seemed like a nice slogan to refer back to, even as I flounder and blunder my way through figuring out how to relate to others within a paradigm that tells me there are only one or two ‘true’ ways. I come back to a belief in soul mates again and again, even if it looks different from how it did before. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what is rationalization and self-delusion and what are honest goals being sought after with integrity.
As always, the temptation to look at it dualistically in terms of right and wrong looms, and holding the tension of all the paradox, contradiction and not knowing can be difficult — although usually pretty inspiring, at least when it’s going well. My hope is that as more people start engaging alternative notions of soul mate and relationships, we will start to develop models based on quality and morality, no matter how relative, which are based in a quest for authentic truth and reverence for the different forms of connection. Even if it takes a very, very long time.
Amanda you said:
(Learning through relationship is part of my spiritual path, and that blended nicely with my introduction to non-monogamy, which I saw as a way to honor connections that came into my life in whatever way they need to show up. When I feel that zap of erotic recognition with someone, which happens fairly rarely, I want to be able to explore what’s there.)
I have always done this as something I can’t really resist. I am in what is supposed to be a monograms relationship – yet I have transgressed that boundary several times. At the beginning I felt terrible guilt but during the last episode I felt complete freedom, and I granted myself that freedom.
I have shared all of my, even the details, transgressions with my wife. And I have not apologized from a guilt perspective but from a pain perspective, I have. However it has become apparent to both of us that our true soul mate connection is nurtured along the path that we are following.
She has always blinded herself to her shadow material – while I have simply hidden mine but always struggled with its fallout. We are together healing deep inner wounds and silly shallow concepts, together. I do the dirty work and she deals with the pain – but always a deeper self awareness arises. We have become the perfect team in this regard.
And still I am committed to following that inner guide when (or if) someone shows up who connects with some unresolved shadow material of mine. I don’t know if it will happen again but it is likely. Only this time my wife will know absolutely as it unfolds. She will have to reach a higher state to deal with it there. We together are walking a narrow path to complete acceptance. I love the relationship we have and it is of extreme eroticism. I know she and I are meant to be here together, each playing the role the other requires. But we aren’t “playing roles”, we are honestly exploring and allowing.
It’s all quite fascinating. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you so much Amanda!
Yer welcs! (that’s kids-these-days for “you’re welcome” 😉 )
“Contrast that with Soul Mates, which in Green’s framework are “two people who have independently acted on their desires to embrace a spiritual or transcendent reality, and the real purpose of the union with one another is to continue their individual spiritual development because of and through the relationship.”
While I studied for many years with the other half of the ‘Pluto Brothers’, I absolutely concur with this quote. I suspect that Steven might agree.
ALL of my important relationships have been of the soulmate variety (and yes, I am making it a composite word as it seems like it should be — that connection thing). I have never believed in “one true love” and only one. Life taught me early that was a myth.
Not the loving part, simply the “one” part. Yes, there are those Bridges of Madison County relationships. I have had one. But while the ripple effects of those times were stand up and pay attention times, it is difficult to label them as more important than an hour and a half meeting on a plane with someone I was very obviously connected to through time and space. They each have their roles in the journey and we learn from them all.
The more intense and the longer lasting the soulmate connections continue (some for decades even though apart) the more obvious this truth becomes.
It isn’t all romance and flowers or even the throw me against the wall energy, although the chemistry is certainly evident. Soulmate connections can be VERY MESSY. Indeed it is difficult to escape that part of the picture. We have come together for a purpose. We planned it. We have UNFINISHED business. It doesn’t often go smoothly.
Yet, even when I realize that a new meeting is a “soulmate thing”, I don’t shy away. What would the point be? Work on it now — work on it later. Eventually we WILL work on it. I kinda like to learn what I need to learn, clear the slate and move on to new lessons.
Hi! I studied with Steven for years. Don’t think the two are mutually exclusive, although I will say that Steven’s teachings tend to have hints of a more hierarchical version of relating, in which we are evolving towards monogamy. At least that’s how I interpret (and then run away from) them. 🙂
I really love what you’ve written. I tend not to shy away, either, but finding others who can commit at that level…my oh my, I’m learning a lot about that. Also? Romance and flowers sound LOVELY to me at this point in time.
Hey Amanda, you taking over the sexuality theme column? You’ve got a solid framework.
Karma, Same, Soul, and Twin mates’,.. I think you’re on to something when you mention quality, morality, truth, and reverence. I would add respect in recognition (which is probably summed up in previous verbiage), when differing levels of understanding trans-gress. There’s always a delicate amount of humbleness that can be applied, that ‘all souls’ feel well about.
Love you man,
Jere
I’m not taking anything over, although I’ll likely incorporate these themes here more frequently as I’ve decided to focus on them more. I *love* using the word “reverence” here – thanks for that. And of course, understanding that people are at different levels of understanding… yes.
Love you too, dude,
A
“Erotic energy is not simply a sexual energy, it is the energy of community-building and friendship as well. It is the container that occurs between therapist and client or teacher and student that allows transformation to happen.”
Absolutely, creatively beautiful. Thank you.
Amanda I saw for myself and again with the children, how kids understand some things partially. A good example is that I am vegan – somehow that can be translated as certain foods are forbidden (rather than a positive ‘for’): with all the food issues that can come from that.
Not sure about ‘Social conditioning’ tho that is a popular slogan these days. After all it is I who didn’t seen large enough, or pick up on this or that. And change can happen just like that – isn’t that the work – to bring the elements together that facilitate, to present material so that each person sees for themselves. Depends on your astrological (or other) configuration as to whether you see ‘erotic’ energy in one way or another? Is erotic energy the only way in – I’m not sure(you may mean what I understand as heart energy, or life energy (is that always erotic: or do you mean ‘seminal’, as in the effect is new life).
One of our friend’s mentioned that he believes everything is a construct (ie negotiable and/or not true), but I disagree. there are many constructs and perhaps everything is a construct but some are useful and some are not and some (occasionally) are real to you (not just the person you are ‘conditioned’ to be) (even if they can be construed as constructs), because they mesh in with the work you are doing this lifetime, ie with the things you don’t know, the things you contribute that make a difference to those around you. Or they mesh with the needs of someone like a sila-nunam bridge and provide a way from one perception to another)
There is such a wonderful world out there
Wishing you (and all of us) the princess of cups!
xxxpam
Don’t know if this is generally useful or only to me…
Phil Sedgwick ‘… It would seem Orius seeks to drive a person’s spirit back into the body where instinct and sense merge to build life experiences that feed one’s greatest yearnings. Urges Orius, end the vertigo caused by forcing square mental pegs into round reaction to real world holes. Recreate solidity on both feet by restoring the ultimate balance – the balance of soul within flesh.’
The myths, the magic, the misery, the mystery!
Unfathomable as the cosmos, if you ask me!
Love your use of “flounder and blunder” and Sarah Taylor’s professional credit as “relationship anarchist!” It is sometimes difficult to do the gracefull dance with a handfull and heartfull of TNT!
I appreciate your honest and thoughtful reflections on this complex and confounding topic. Soul Mate of Soul Food?…!
Actually that should read Soul Mate OR Soul Food!
Thanks for the food for thought!
Amanda I hope I didn’t sound completely self opinionated – been thinking all day that I hadn’t phrased these thoughts well to encourage conversation.
I apologise!
Pam