Or, How to Major on The Minors and Fail BIG!!!!

(From my forthcoming book, Failing with Astrology: How to Ruin Your Life As the Planets Pass You By)

Any astrologer can tell you how to succeed with Jupiter’s trip through Virgo, but only Madame Z has the courage to tell you how to fail.

Jupiter hasn’t been on this trip since 2003, long before the banking crisis and Pluto’s big moment in Capricorn. So really, you need to make a statement this year in your Virgo Zone; it’ll be 2027 by the time Jupiter comes through here again. Fussiness for the greater good is noble and all. But you need something more. LOTS more.

And because we’re talking about Jupiter here, you can guarantee that with my advice you will fail BIG.

Because Jupiter never does anything by halves, and with Virgo demanding an accounting for every jot and tittle, not only will you get the WHOLE enchilada, but you’ll also get five extra sides of (organic) brown rice and (hand picked by unionized farm workers) heirloom pinto beans.

Got your napkins ready? Let’s dig in! It’s time to Fail With Flair!

Your motto this year? In Virgo Veritas!

Aries/Aries Rising/Aries Moon: Life’s too short to mess about with details. Cholesterol counts, small change, and mileage receipts make you peevish. And no one likes an Aries who’s peevish. Peevishness quickly escalates in your crowd to head butting. So forget them. I mean, the receipts. Besides, you’ve got more important work with your new small-animal rescue range. Boxers, budgies and bunnies — and even a miniature Shetland pony or two — you’ve embraced the lot. Who cares about pennies when there’s plenty of poop to scoop? Keep important paperwork to line the bunny cages. Just don’t tell the Co-op Committee what’s going down in your condo!

Taurus/Taurus Rising/Taurus Moon: The next 12 months you could really hit the Big One. Or the Big Five! It’s important this year to always, always forget birth control. Raincoats are SO not ‘in’ this year. (wink, wink). If you’ve ever longed for quintuplets, or even modestly dreamed of twins, Jupiter’s gonna do you a SOLID in the bedroom. Or if your sights are more fleeting, aim them straight at the genitals of any casual prospective suitor/suitress you encounter. With Jupiter jonesin’ your junk, you can’t miss a minute of the action this season. Just dress for success. Failing even that, well, bub — get yourself a painter’s apron, claim you gave it all up for ART, and paint nudes all year. Porn is also an option. Subject or object, I’m not sayin’.

Gemini/Gemini Rising/Gemini Moon: You’ll have someone demanding you act like a grown-up all year, so you need to displace your frustration at home. It’s important you see your private time as Triage Time. Your bar must be well stocked, and keep a soothing selection of The Three Stooges Greatest Hits at hand. Then bring home that guy who stands outside Starbucks every morning talking to himself. You like someone who’s chatty, and you don’t want to drink alone, so who knows? Maybe you’ll score a hat trick and find out he LOVES the ol’ Curly, too. Family folk: score the hottest, latest diet plan (RAW mango leaves?) and enforce full family commitment. Fido, too.

Cancer/Cancer Rising/Cancer Moon: Jupiter’s journey through Virgo will give you that extra edge you’ve wanted for years: you’re probably already well known for your spot-on observations about little things, like exactly how many trips to the grocery store it will take to finish off those balding tires on the minivan, or precisely how to mix Ativan and 5Htp with your Sunday morning Mimosa for the perfect brunch experience. But Jupiter here will now unquestionably establish your usefulness in your family’s life — you really DO know it all! Be sure to have a thought ready for every instance. Facts are always helpful, because you know — most folks just don’t have their facts right. Right? There should be an app for that! Go build it.

Leo/Leo Rising/Leo Moon: You like your money clean, as in laundered. And this year if you play your cards right, you’re gonna do a lot of ‘laundry’. And anyway, do you know what’s ON those bills you pass around? FILTHY lucre, is literally right. You really wouldn’t want to touch that stuff, so you let others do if for you. For the lordly among you, this is a great year to purchase servants and buy off accountants. Divert any questionable expenses into a shell venture aimed at improving the health of aging voice-over actors. Go on ‘speaking tours’ from your new Periscope account. Leave no pocket unturned when folks show up at your office; just make sure the five-fingered fleecing isn’t obviously your hand.

Virgo/Virgo Rising/Virgo Moon: There isn’t anything you can’t eat this year. Yes, it’s finally YOUR turn to Fail and GO BIG: without a doubt food is your best friend in this venture. So it’s important you focus on those foods that will give you the greatest return on your investment. I humbly recommend the Twinkie Tour (one a day, just before bed), Vegemite (straight up, on the spoon), and your childhood favorite, piecrust. (You’ll be a veritable brewery inside!) Or combine the three and establish a new reputation in the PTA with your signature dish: Twinkie Turnovers with Vegemite frosting! And don’t forget — volunteer for EVERYTHING. It’s the best way to become popular!

Libra/Libra Rising/Libra Moon: Your anxiety closets will be bursting at the seams — or rather, the frames — this year. Don’t bother organizing that closet; give the stuff away! If there’s any little thing in you that goes “Boo!” make sure it’s clear the Other Guy’s at fault. Because it is, you know. Similarly, sleepless nights counting ceiling cracks could lead to amazing insights about the fissures in other people’s facades. (Synchronous details, right? So insightful!) This is bound to be a break-through year for your psyche, so grab some popcorn and roll film! Let’s get this projector started!

Scorpio/Scorpio Rising/Scorpio Moon: To access your inner intensity and still maintain your deep need for privacy, eschew openness with others while still culling information from them, COINTELPRO, style. Information is KING. Set up multiple online personas, Facebook accounts, and chatroom avatars. This coming year, you’re not giving anything away for free, but you can take all you want from ‘comrades’ and co-workers. Expect lavish outlays of details. You will, of course, also establish a solid database into which you’ll dump your data. Just don’t mix your monikers or someone may ask lots of questions.

Sagittarius/Sagittarius Rising/Sagittarius Moon: Hello there, Hot Stuff! You’re at the top of your game, and nothing will be the same after this year. If you’re looking to wallow in failure, in full view of your adoring public, keep these tips in mind. 1) Never research the facts. Facts can be bent, after all. And you are a Master Bender. 2) Never, ever shut your mouth. You’re perpetually blessed with Jupiter on your side, and a mouth to go with it, so keep a steady stream of opinions flowing. 3) Pedantry is a plus! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Humans are always looking to be taught something! Don’t miss opportunities to preach your gospel: wherever you are, someone needs to know — public toilets, fitness club locker rooms, voting booths. This year, the private is all public. YOUR public.

Capricorn/Capricorn Rising/Capricorn Moon: You are God. The Guru. Yes, indeed. That’s the image you project. At the very least God’s most favorite administrative assistant and legal council. There’s really no way to get to the Big Man without going through you first. And you so enjoy casting an appraising eye over your Arrivals clipboard before telling folks, “Sadly, I see you’re not on The List.” You keep telling others you’re just a lowly servant, a veritable Uriah Heep of humility; but the truth is, this year you’ve been called in as the Efficiency Expert and promoted to Pope. Your first task will be bumping off that annoying heterodox hippy currently hanging around the Vatican. He’s bad for business. Not on The List. See?

Aquarius/Aquarius Rising/Aquarius Moon: ‘Jenerous’ Jupiter’s doling out the credit for you this year! In fact, you won’t have seen this much good will since 2003, so get crackin’! Stopping in at your local chain retailer? Be sure to say, “Yes, please!” when they offer you 10% off their store credit card. You’ll be carrying a 27.98% APR, but don’t let that bother you. Game the system! Say “yes!” to all of them! Your pre-Banking Bust era habits won’t be rusty for long, and soon you’ll remember how easy it was to shuffle your balances from card to card in a daisy chain of fantastique financial fuqery. Debt never felt so goooood.

Pisces/Pisces Rising/Pisces Moon: You’ll need a separate datebook for all the action coming your way this year, if you want to succeed. But if your intentions are failure, no calendars are needed. Book at will — one date or three, it matters not. Layer ‘em like pancakes and drizzle your magical malleability all over them. It’s always a delight when new people meet for the first time! For those of you outside the dating scene, delight your significant others with a newborn sense of accountability — you’re keeping tabs on THEM. Nosey is nothing! Rifle through purses; jailbreak cellphones looking for patterns and passwords. You’re only looking out for their best interests. Right?