I did not see this essay by psychologist Amy Wood in time to post it last weekend, but with New Year’s resolutions and fresh starts in the air, it seems like a good fit. I’d be very curious to hear about your own experiences with forgiving and being forgiven, and whether you think her five tips hit the mark. This piece was originally post at Mainetoday.com; the link to “continue reading” will take you there to read the rest (skip the survey). — Amanda P.
By Dr. Amy Wood
Here we are again at the most sentimental time of the year. Encouraged by visions of holiday celebrations with cherished family and friends, we connect in especially thoughtful ways with those we love most. If we’re at odds with anyone special, this convivial spirit prompts us let go of silly grievances and let bygones be bygones.
Amy Wood, Ph.D.
Angry at someone who’s done you wrong? The warmth of the season may melt your hard feelings and allow you to reach out and forgive them.
But what if you’re not in control of the situation? Maybe you want forgiveness from someone who’s upset with you — and they’re not budging. How do you earn back the regard of someone whose esteem you have lost?
These five steps will help you pave the way for pardon:
Make sure you really want forgiveness
Sometimes when someone shuts you out, it’s actually a good thing. So before you proceed, be fairly positive that this other person isn’t an irrational lunatic who thrives on the thrill of fighting or watching you jump through hoops. And be certain that you desire their forgiveness not simply to restore your ego or paint a nice holiday picture, but because you really, truly value this person and are certain that your life is better with them in it.
These five steps will help you pave the way for pardon:
Eric is planning to publish the written readings for all 12 signs of Vision Quest, the 2016 annual edition from Planet Waves, by New Year’s Eve (audio readings and rune readings to follow in January). You can still order all 12 signs, which includes all audio, written and musical features, for the value price here. Or choose individual signs of Vision Quest here.
So very unlike Planet Waves to link to an article that requires you to complete a survey before you can get the content – yuck! So, I didn’t read her article. I will say, though, that the very BEST read on forgiveness is How Can I Forgive You by Janis Spring. While you might be thinking from the title that it’s advice for the forgiver, it actually looks at the nature of forgiveness and withholding.
I love how she refers to “cheap forgiveness” (you know, that quick “It’s OK” you say when you just feel uncomfortable with the whole topic!) versus “earned forgiveness”. The best, most lasting form of forgiveness is that which is “earned” – when the person who has caused the harm actually takes on the responsibility of watching for ways the injured person’s feelings might still be touched by insensitivities, owns up to it (instead of hoping the other person hasn’t noticed – for example, when the waitress has the same name as your affair partner) and continues to hold gentle space for the injured person to feel their feelings about the hurt.
Hands down, it’s the best read on the topic and my takeaway is that the best way to earn forgiveness is to be truthful about the harm, accept responsibility, come alongside the other person’s feelings, recognize it takes time and DON’T DO IT AGAIN. Otherwise, asking for forgiveness and repeating the blunder is a surefire way to earn scorn.
You can click on “skip survey” if you want to read it.
Amen! To your reference and what you paraphrase Denise. Will only add from someone who is so forgiving by nature, there is also the other extreme i have noticed of other finding it too hard to ask for, or give forgive, because they struggle to understand and find forgiveness in themselves first. That is where it starts and will end tho. In awareness and taking responsibility as you say, building trust from the inside out. Maybe through no fault of their own, or what had been modeled to them, unfortunately it may just be too scary to open up their heart in what feels like an admission of failure, or sense of the claiming represents a loss of power in that way.
Of couse plenty more know and have experienced the acceptance, and the real power in what comes in the presense of love’s opposite, as the result. Yet this is a truth that no one, but self can take ownership of in it’s practice though. I guess it may only come in it’s letting go of pride and ego will in humble spirtual expansion through it’s own personal discovery. Keeping a personal balance in this type of relationship is challenging. And again, staying aware of the ownership of energy and it’s rightful responsibility is key.
Ask not to be forgiven, for this has already been accomplished. Ask, rather, to learn how to forgive, and to restore what always was to your unforgiving mind. Atonement becomes real and visible to those who use it. On earth this is your only function, and you must learn that it is all you want to learn. You will feel guilty till you learn this.
A Course in Miracles
Yes.
I do love ACIM for its perfect simplicity.
Trans Mars Degree, December 26
Sabian Symbol Degree, and Dane Rudhyer Interpretation
(LIBRA 26°): AN EAGLE AND A LARGE WHITE DOVE CHANGE INTO EACH OTHER.
KEYNOTE: The interaction of the spiritual Will and of the Love principle when critical needs arise.
This sequence of symbols concluding the Libra phase of the cycle deals with problems met by the seeker for the fulfillment of a higher life of Relationship. Implied here is a kind of Yang-Yin interplay. When the circle encompassing both principles rotates fast, they appear to change into each other. Consciousness operates beyond duality, because the polarized energies of the Soul (or spirit). Will and Love, though ever distinct, work for a single purpose.
Lovely P. Sophia. Thank you.