So, we’ve entered the shadow phase of the Mars retrograde that kicks off in mid-April. For some reason this Mars retrograde really has my attention. This is at least partially because I haven’t been tracking transits as an astrologer for an incredibly long time, so every time I get to consciously navigate a transit I get pretty excited for the layers of experiential learning in store (so superior to learning from books!).

Photo by graywacke/A Landing a Day
I recently sat down to read the written portion of Eric’s Vision Quest reading for Leo (my rising sign), and upon reading the first line, “Your charts this year vibrate with one theme: vulnerability,” I let out a dramatic whine and began to pout and whimper. No more vulnerability!
My initial response was to run away screaming in a bit of melodrama that I find so entertaining. Especially when I’m alone. Later on, I decided to ask another Leo friend about what vulnerability means to her.
She said the first thing that came to her mind was “exposure.” When I asked whether that was a good or a bad thing, we launched into a discussion about how it is something that feels desirable, but when it goes awry — when it is accompanied by betrayal or loss, for example — it can be hard to imagine ever going to that place again. Because vulnerability in this context often involves exposure of our softest parts to another person, the things that happen in those deep places have a bigger ripple into the rest of our lives. The choice to be vulnerable can represent a softening process, an opening up of the emotional body, and there can be insecurity there.
Many years ago I rushed heart-first into a journey to uncover my emotional body. I got what I wished for via Saturn’s transit through Scorpio and my natal Moon. The result was one of the most profound healing journeys I’ve been on. I also did in fact uncover my emotional body, and it was writhing and raw at the surface for a good long while. I had to figure out what to do with it. Now it seems to have integrated quite a bit. I’ve also had a break from intimate, committed relationships, so I’m feeling much, much better.
In many ways, I am quite good at vulnerability. I share lots of stuff here; I’m a pretty open book when it comes to many facets of my life as shared with friends; I often find myself sharing stories in the workshops I lead; and I know that that sharing and opening up is an important part of my path. So what’s the hang-up about vulnerability?
Last summer I was dating a gentleman who told me about something that he really enjoyed. We were in his car, holding hands while he was driving. As he went to shift gears, breaking our handhold, I just let my fingers trail down his arm, and then we went back to holding hands. He told me that something he really loved, and needed, was that level of really simple contact that came back even after he had to break away for a moment.
He then told me that it felt really vulnerable to share that with me — that asking for what he wanted or needed was something he wasn’t comfortable with. I had never thought of vulnerability that way. I recognized that sharing could be a vulnerable thing, but I’d never connected that asking for what I need could be. And yet…I’ve since realized that the act — the art, really — of sharing my needs and wants is something that can shake me to my core in an intimate relationship.
Over the past nine months or so I’ve taken a break from emotional intimacy. I needed to find my center again after so much change. I’ve felt the option for depth and emotional intimacy entering my field lately, though; and although I am aware that I want to cultivate those kinds of bonds, I am also aware of the fear that ripples through the desire, and through the mandate that I embrace the opportunity when worthy partners appear.
It dawned on me shortly after pondering the vulnerability thing that another reason I’m likely so drawn to this Mars retrograde period is that during the cycle, Mars will be re-visiting the same territory as Saturn’s retrograde through Scorpio last summer. There we go. Those last degrees of Scorpio are somewhat of a karmic hot spot for me personally, so — yippee! I get to revisit whatever unresolved morsels of goodness arise from that oh-so-fun period, and take the initiative to heal it.

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That last Saturn retrograde was also, however, a transit that coincided with Venus’ retrograde through Leo. Translation: many astrologers were touting it as an opportunity to really dig deep and get clear about themes of self-worth and value, particularly in the areas of sexuality, sex, emotional self-reliance and our individual expression of these themes. The personal is the collective, and our collective certainly has a lot of fucked up views about sex and sexuality — we’ve had some really powerful opportunities to heal.
I decided long ago that my highest priority in life is authenticity — striving to be true to the core of who I am, over and above relationships and anything else. That doesn’t mean I’ve forsaken relationship, but it does mean I prioritize those in which that focus of self-discovery is enhanced and enriched, and in which I can be the most myself, whatever that means. I suppose vulnerability is a pretty major part of authenticity. And perhaps the title of Eric’s Leo reading is applicable here: In Search of Surrender. Leaning into vulnerability. Letting go.
This upcoming Mars retrograde period invites us to connect our emotional bodies with our ego’s desires. Or you could say it has to do with taking care of, nurturing, or shepherding what needs to be defended or given a voice. I think that speaks to the importance of being in touch with our own vulnerability in order to take more effective action in the world, or to determine our most appropriate contributions, large and small. What that looks like for every individual will, of course, be different.
I write that and realize I’m applying to everyone something I took out of a personal astrological reading. Seems pretty typically Leo. Alas, there are some things that just seem to ring true as gems of insight for living an authentic life in general. And so I’ll leave it be and trust that you all continue to take from these pages what has heart and meaning for you.