From Madame Zolonga’s Guide to Failing with Astrology

Well, congratulations. Pass the cigars; everyone’s getting Cuba for Christmas. It’s a bouncy diplomatic baby of uncertain gender. Pope Francis will bless and baptize it, surely, this spring, when we find out what it’s meant to be.

Until then you Cold War fans will still have plenty to kick around. In fact, the headlines and my Facebook feed suggest the Cold War is actually quite Warm these days. Putin is not puttin’ out this Christmas, what with his ruble in free-fall. (The theories about why have nothing to do with His Eminence giving everyone shopping discounts in St. Petersberg for the season.) And SONY’s drama with North Korea (or not North Korea, as Anonymous hints with a wink), is sure to warm the hearts and hands of dyed-in-the-wool Commie haters everywhere.

In these post-Glasnost days of inclusiveness and tolerance, however, it’s important to remember that the Cold (or Warm) War isn’t exclusive to Communist aligned countries. The Cold War could be happening anywhere. In your living room, for example. Or at your brother’s house. So I had a look at the astrology to see how I could help celebrate this fact.

And yes, astrology once again comes to our rescue. As I type Venus is making a bee-line toward asteroid Russia! Delightful! How fortuitous.

How chilly.

Is there someone on your gift-giving list who qualifies as a Cold War hero? You know, the person with whom you’ve achieved a cool detente in lieu of actual productive “trade” relations? Let astrology lead you in these suggestions for making the most of bad relations this season.

Aries: With Pluto, Venus and asteroid Russia in the house of your professional life, the boss has been less than sympathetic about personal declarations of autonomy. It’s too soon to tell ‘em Take This Job and Shove It, though. Instead pass the hat at work to collect for the International Workers Aid this Christmas. Coal and comfort for the proletariat!

Taurus: Russia’s on your side. But then, you’ve always had an authoritarian streak so that’s no surprise. Orthodoxy’s an idea you’ve been fingering for a few years now. What is it about those gilt-encrusted, bear fur-lined robes and heady, incense-laden services? Is it the men or just the beards that turn you on? How ‘bout a beard trimmer and frankincense under the tree?

Gemini: Subterfuge comes easily for you. With an 8th house loaded with Capricorn action this holiday season, others may act less than generous, but double-speak can lead you in and out of others’ pockets with an alacrity that even the Artful Dodger would find astonishing. Or perhaps gift this charming book (above), with the world’s longest title?

Cancer: From Russia with Love, indeed. If you want to get on with that cold character across the table this holiday, remind him of the good old days when defense of the homeland was a clear-cut case of knowing that goddamned bastard in the White House was secretly a Red agent.

Leo: Duty Free is your goal, but bureaucracy is inevitable. Greasing palms may happen. How about hanging a “Work Makes Us Free” poster in the company lunch room just to see what happens?

Virgo: The kids or your creative work is on ice right now, dear. And I know that feels harsh. While waiting for the Muse to return, perhaps some poetry will work. Stalin’s Library Card might prove the inspiration you need now.

Libra: The Cold War lives on in your home. Did dear old Dad sit in a nuclear war head silo somewhere in South Dakota, just waiting for the word to push a button, for years on interminable end? Or did it just feel like that? Or has it never stopped feeling like that? Does someone need a big red button that goes “boom!” to make it all better?

Scorpio: Post-nuclear population proposals are perennially popular with Scorpios because, as we all know, you are the sign most likely to survive a nuclear holocaust. Dr. Coker’s Demographic Facets of Nuclear Warfare might be fine reading for you or a loved one this holiday season.

Sagittarius: For the love of Pete, who blew up your security deposit box and left a block of ice behind? There’s supposed to be money in there, right? If your Cold War guest is a Sagittarian, let them come naked and unashamed to the festival this week. Or if they have clothes, give ‘em a nice scale so they can weigh in on their worth.

Capricorn: You’re colder than last year’s Icelandic snowmelt, but like the magnetic North Pole, you keep attracting attention like iron shavings to a kids’ chemistry kit. With Venus onside through the New Year, remember to reverse the polarity occasionally and send something warmer than a slushy to your people.

Aquarius: Hero of the collective dream or the enemy of the state? You pick. I know I can’t tell you which one because it’s always going to be your choice. You wouldn’t allow it any other way. If you’re entertaining one, simply remember Aquarian rhymes with contrarian, if you wish to negotiate salad forks or parking arrangements.

Pisces: You have friends in high places right now. Surely you know this. If you didn’t it would be good for you to find out. And soon. Although “friends” might be too friendly a word for them. “Associates” is a much better, much safer appellation. Associate yourself well this holiday and see if there’s something a little extra in your stocking soon.