The Dreaded Talk About Our Sexual Needs (Minus the Dread)

Note: Rob Moore has contributed articles to the Planet Waves annual editions this year and last year. This piece is the first in what will be a regular Saturday column by him on sexuality, astrology and relationships. — Amanda P.

It’s an awkward sexual situation we’ve all likely faced at one time or another. Sexual activity that could best be described as ‘pleasant’ could easily explode into a passionate display of sensual gratification — if only. If only our partner would do A, B, and C. Hell, just A or C would probably do the trick.

As the muted message center in my own brain has frequently put it, “I mean, seriously, man… you’re freaking right there. Just do it. C’mon… do it, do it, do it…”

Or the conversely related, “Oooooo, don’t do that, don’t do that, please don’t do that…”

With a whole lot of Pisces in my chart, I tend to pay close attention to what’s going on in that sign. In addition to the Sun entering Pisces a day or so ago, there’s an interesting dynamic Eric recently described happening on the Pisces/Virgo axis. It suggests the wind could be at our backs to chart a course to getting what we’ve been fantasizing about.

To paraphrase Eric, the how-to qualities of Virgo are presently in Pisces, while the creative imagination of Pisces is residing in Virgo. Add to that an exact opposition from Jupiter in Virgo to Chiron in Pisces on Tuesday, and the topic of healing comes into view; not the least of which includes our sensual selves.

What this says to me is it’s a great time to place on the table what we want in the sex department, with a view to achieving real-world gratification. Provided, of course, all involved stand there long enough to get clear about what we’re looking at. And then stick with it while we map out a path to its ultimate fulfillment.

But this is where the dread often comes in. No one enjoys dropping a bucket of cold water on an encounter to discuss what our partner isn’t doing. Nor do we want to pause the movie credits to tell them where we need to be touched tonight, lest we just merely go through the motions for yet another weekend. Well, no such scenarios need to happen. There is a loving, playful, and seamless way to approach this.

Let me assure you I am no stranger to this situation. Matter of fact it’s part of my life path. Several years back I had a birth chart cast with a focus on the outer planets. The very first thing on the list was Chiron conjunct Moon, my Moon being in Pisces. Among the key descriptions of this influence was to assume that others have no clue what nurtures or feeds me. Basically, if I want people to know what rocks my world, I’ve pretty much gotta spell it out for them.

Oh, how true this has been. Before the Internet — and my understanding of this Chiron influence — sex was a disappointing affair more often than not. When someone did come along who pushed all the right buttons, I then tried to cling to them; and that usually didn’t work out very well.

Internet dating/hook-up sites and later apps have made it possible to spell out exactly what we want to happen when we connect. I found in the early days that this worked splendidly. Then as the info age mushroomed into incomprehensible levels of stimuli, people’s brains started shutting things out. Just as it rapidly became okay to stop responding to emails, the idea of actually reading an online profile — and certainly the idea of completing one — looks to have fallen totally out of favor.

And so that has certainly brought me back to square one, needing to literally inform partners what’s gonna help crank the heat up while we’re getting down. Among the discoveries I have made is that once I open the communication and demonstrate that this is really not a big deal, partners in turn usually feel the way is clear to express what they want, too. And it is! Yay for us!

All right: let’s look at ways of doing this that possess vibes of deep regard and loving intent through every part of the process.

I think the main thing to keep in mind is that this is indeed a process; a process of teaching and learning for each of us. So although the indication of what we need can frequently be accomplished in one simple step, I sometimes find the need to stick with it long enough to enable partners to understand the subtleties involved, i.e., pressure, rhythm, duration, etc., and how to achieve those qualities.

It’s important to note that this approach, which has worked so well for me so many times, assumes that a dynamic of mutual understanding and trust is in place. And that’s whether we’re talking about a long-term partner or someone who’s over for an afternoon romp. If you’re not perfectly at that place yet, then for sure it is a process that needs to be completed first and foremost.

Speaking for myself, what I often need partners to get on board with is a little on the freaky side — if not very much so. Yes, I’m a totally kinky fuck. But more importantly, I’m far more a sensual fuck. And herein lies the problem. It’s as if society has been programmed to believe loving, mutually gratifying sex involves only certain key activities as outlined in some list from 1783.

I do hope that in this age on a site of this nature that it’s not too difficult for any of us to wrap our brains around this idea: Anything that brings genuine gratification to partners that is within our scope and willingness to give, is a deeply intimate gift. And in this instance, in the giving is the receiving. In every meaning of the phrase.

The greatest news you may hear all day is that, in my experience, detailed conversations are not needed. They can be counterproductive, even. What I find works best is just at that moment when things aren’t exactly flowing between us, I gently and sensually take their hand or lips or whatever and place it on the magic spot. Or with a gentle but firm grasp indicate that I’m about to go somewhere on them that may take them by surprise. And then follow through.

Over the course of many years, the most I’ve usually needed to softly utter is, “That’s the magic button. This makes that go crazy.” From there, they begin to see for themselves. And then our energies feed off each other. And then things escalate to exciting new places. And then everybody’s wondering why the hell we waited so long to do this.

There are times when a partner new to an activity will go at it too wildly or, in the other extreme, as if they’re going to break us or something. In these instances, more detailed demonstrating may be needed. Same as before, I take their fingers or mouths and sensually demo exactly how far or how hard or how deep. And, hey, I think sharing a little playful laughter during this weird little surreal moment between us can be the most encouraging and endearing thing we could do for ourselves.

These days, it is a high priority for me to familiarize partners with my needs right out of the gate. I know from experience how challenging it can be to overcome our own fears of freaking out long-term partners who thought they had it all down pat. But something else I have found is that those with whom I have shared a genuine bond for a significant time are almost guaranteed to share my levels of consciousness. In other words, ideas brought to the table that may have never been verbalized most often reveal themselves to be things on both our minds, to one degree or another.

And here’s the thing about genuine bonds: If they are indeed bonds and are indeed genuine, any effort to make that connection more deeply gratifying will only enhance what’s already there. There really is no time like the present to reveal what you desire. Now is the perfect time to let your partner in on what they can do for you. Consider how gratifying it will be when ‘if only’ becomes ‘what actually is’.

Rob Moore is a published author and has a strong background in art direction and image work. Ever seeking to identify the truths recurring through his own life and that of others, Rob continues to express his findings via writing and imagery. Please visit r0b1.com to learn more.