By Amanda Moreno
Something died in me this week. The death knells were rolling and wrenching and plunged me into all of my fears at once. I was being tossed about inside of them, moving between my bed and the bathroom floor, totally unable to get out of their grip. Purging, releasing, wailing.
Was there a catalyst? Of course there was. Was it equal to the response I had? That seems like a pointless question. Regardless, it’s done and integration has begun.
I’ve been fluxing through feelings of being totally disempowered, and like everything is futile. Like the same old patterns have arisen, all the things I thought I was clearing, like I’ll never make any progress and have deluded myself once again. Luckily that phase has passed and I’ve entered a feeling more like emptiness.
The emptiness is acute this time, but it has shifted from feeling like a void to feeling spacious. As my attachment to knowing flows out, the universe flows in. I’m aware I get to create whatever stories I want, and the fear of choosing the wrong ones is feeling more distant, although as I write this it is 3:00 in the morning and the world feels still and at peace, which helps.
My attempts at willing myself into cycles of grace and ease rather than cycles of crisis have been…well, they haven’t really been working. As has been pointed out by several well-meaning souls, I tend to put myself in situations where all of my triggers get pushed, often all at once. Am I pushing myself through triggers at a rapid pace in order to get that shit up and out of the unconscious to be dealt with and healed? Or am I just re-fragmenting myself in heaping doses?
The answers to those questions don’t seem to be relevant to me at this moment in time. I can’t keep trying to make sense of it all. The fact is that I don’t know — and I could probably spin whatever story I want around it.
I’ve been pondering the notions of ‘safety’ and ‘what is safe,’ and at this point every attempt to understand, to qualify, to classify just seems exhausting and unworthy of my time. I just want to let it go.
Very Piscean, no? As that New Moon on the Aquarius-Pisces cusp rocked my South Node, my progressed Moon moved into Pisces and my Venus return [in Pisces] occurred. Although I often refer to Pisces as the ocean of divine love, there is another interpretation that occurs almost as often — not to say they aren’t related. It is one of Pisces as the unqualified realms, where everything just exists. Where the shark stalks and kills its prey because that is what it does, not because it has malicious intent. Where death happens because it is part of the natural cycle, not because someone has to learn a lesson of grief or about graceful transition. It’s about letting go of the concepts and just accepting.
There has been so much floating through my reality this week whispering something about the importance of stepping out in front of our creations at this time. About how thoughts are manifesting quite quickly, and that we need to be honing our skills when it comes to reality-creation. Earlier in the week, I was receiving these whispers as added pressure. I have felt so far from being able to see ‘the truth’ and so unable to get myself out of my fear that I didn’t want to think about my power to create reality, because I sure didn’t want the reality I was thinking of.
And now…again, the feeling of letting go. Of being reborn and having no idea what the future holds, and being OK with it. At least in the moment, and really what else is there but this moment?
I’m sure I’ll get back to the more euphoric tones of my Piscean self at some point, although I really hope to stay clear of the delusional parts of it (please?). But for now, there is something about the feeling of letting things be unqualified, just letting them exist as they are without analysis or understanding or mental-masochism, that is helping me to remember my center, to actually hear through to the core of who I am. Perhaps by remembering my center I’ll be able to begin the work of stepping out in front of my creations? It’s too middle-of-the-night for a pondering of that question, so I think I’ll let things rest for now.
Here’s wishing you a happy Pisces Dream Season. May they be full of whatever you need to bring you to the peace at the center.